MY QUESTIONABLE RESOLVES UNCERTAIN INTENTION  (12-5-19, 4:30-5:00am ?, Palm Springs, California)

  
four thirty
a m  
or is it  
already five  
perhaps  
either way  
here i am  
still up  
and not yet  
gone  
to bed  
o m g  
im getting  
too old  
for this  
kind of  
accumulative  
self destructive  
recklessly  
hazardous  
shit  
it seems  
i keep  
creating  
in my life
yet every time
i try
my best
to correct my
course
and think ive
got
a grip
on it
alas to no
avail
my effort seems
to fall apart
so just when  
is enough  
enough  
i guess when  
enough  
is enough  
and  
i really  
mean it  
enough  
to take action  
i think  
i know  
at least  
i think  
i do  
could this be  
a moment  
of subtle  
intuitive  
truth  
or possibly even  
some timely  
inner warnings  
alert  
that this  
might be  
my very  
last chance  
to choose  
to take  
or not take  
more serious  
decisive action  
to heed  
my intuitions    
call  
to reflect upon  
more deeply  
and realize  
that i now  
more clearly  
know  
and see  
that i want  
to  
i need  
to  
ive got  
to
find
or make
some new plan  
to commit  
to an honest  
intention  
to make  
some firm  
wise  
new vow  
or perhaps  
to create  
and set  
a new pact  
with myself  
or in  
the very least  
make  
a strong promise  
to my lifes  
continued survival  
and to everything
else
and all  
that i love  
to never allow
to never
slip up
nor ever permit  
myself    
to commit
or repeat
this weak
inner crime against
my health
which only insults
further  
upsets
and threatens
my lifes
already fickle
equilibriums
ongoing
uncertain integrity
and continued
stability
both inside
and  out
within this still
unfolding
great mystery
of my
lifes
ever baffling
yet even more
wondrously
ever evolving
bitter sweet journey
here
so all of  
that said
and sorted out
from my head
and beyond
i now
realize
more clearly
than ever before  
the promise
and pact
i must make
to and with
myself
through the
deeper intention
of my own
free wills
keen
intuition
and my love
of life
alone
is that i
now
consciously choose
to make
no more lame
excuses
nor self defeatingly
hazardous
ill rationalizations
nor any more
weak assed lies
to myself
to deceptively try
and justify
my ever
allowing myself
to stay up
so late
like this
again  
unless and except
of course  
im either  
creating new art  
writing  
new poems  
or deeply  
communing  
all night long  
with nature  
when called  
forth  
to do so  
by my  
own innate  
innermost natures  
intuited cues  
somehow gleaned  
from    
the higher  
guidance  
of my truly  
pagan soul  
for its  
much deeper  
more natural  
spiritual healing  
or when either
making  
sweet love
to and with
someone
i love
or whenever
im otherwise
only sexually sharing
myself
with another
out of the
natural
fiery heat
of our mutual  
raw  primal lust
via
a good
old fashioned
incendiary fuck
no matter  
whether its
with the one  
i love  
my loyal  
chosen lover  
i presently  
dont even have  
or some other  
horny  
red hot  
total stranger  
either way  
either one  
their both  
such sacred gifts  
to give  
receive  
or share  
with penetrative
joy  
in such sublime
electrifying bliss  
until such  
sweet  hot  
sweaty nights  
flow sensuously
into such
sweet  
heady days  
of long lingering  
still resonantly  
savored    
post orgasmic  
satisfaction  
without any  
conscious  
or subconscious  
resultant  
remorse  
nor regrets  
at all  
for having  
done so  
or ever  
doing so
whenever
the mutually
ripened opportunity
or spontaneous
occasion
calls or occurs
but only
on  
such justifiable    
occasions  
as those  
ive specified  
here now
as outlined
in this
self reflectively
convenient
little contract
with
myself