blue trust

 
i'm hurting tonight  
a dark cloud presses in on me  
with self condemnation knowing I fail miserably  
at any type of committed relationship  
 
I break trusts  
when pain or fear threatens me  
betraying those I most love  
I sometimes come off so arrogant  
it's not me really  
 
my heart is soft, an easy target  
beguiled by the world as it is  
it stalks me much like a wolf does  
watching for any sign of weakness  
and when my guard is down it attacks  
 
knowing I falter at doing what's right  
when afraid or hurting within addiction's grip  
then I'm emotionally not to be trusted  
this is the ugly side of me  
and I'm not proud  
 
it hurts to admit such a thing  
but there it is  
this is my humanity  
with all its pitfalls  
 
I guard what is most important  
my creativity  
I'm afraid I will lose everything  
in the pursuit of her  
will you love me still  
even knowing this?  
 
I dream of illusive immortality  
but what will they remember of me  
if all my loves are driven away  
 
while I chase a phantom  
in the form of perfect poetry  
written in my blood and heartache  
 
I live for this art  
and I've died to it  
but will they remember me?