Brokenhearted

Why can't i hate you
Hating myself is so easy
How can i blame you
If I could I would leave me

After eighteen years
You went and stepped out
But I was never there
I spent all my time with doubt

The light in your eyes
I remember to this day
My darkness consumed you
And made it go away

It was fight or flight time
You had to make a choice
Lose yourself entirely
Or listen to that little voice

That was begging you to run
Before you became like me
A prisoner of love
Shackled to my misery

There was more on the line
It wasnt only you
Two beautiful little girls
They deserved better too

The air in the house
Was so heavy and oppressive
As I dwelled on the negative
So much I was obsessive

Your heart became vulnerable
To anyone with love to give
Its not right but i understand
And have chosen to forgive

So, no, I cant hate you
For the choice that you made
Instead I will be grateful
For the 18 years you stayed

 
 
i asked  
if you  
wanted  
to be  
in my life  
 
and you  
 
(never)    
 
answered....  
 
i heard that.  
 
(never)  
 
i heard it  
loud and clear  

Fumbling around in an old junk drawer,
I wound up finding something to fix the wound.
Walking to my destination on autopilot,
blocking out the pain because it needs fixing.

Saturated my dress trying to decorate this ache.
I hate the mistake of letting you in.

Believing I could fix the damage,
I walk to the mirror, grieving my injury.
My face drains of color as I bleed out.

I need to focus as I thread the needle.
Twitching hands become steady
as I begin to stitch my heart.

Showing me the strength returning within.
Bestowing me with the gift of a lesson learned.

God gave me a heart to search for love.
Someone came to me out of the blue.
I saw a Spanish girl walking alone in the rain.
The water was bouncing on her pretty face.
Her natural beauty attracted my eyes.

I offered to share my umbrella with her.
She expressed her gratitude to me for my kindness.
We hurried across the road together.
I felt the affection coming for her heart.
And I found love for the first time in my life.
But she came into my world to break my heart.

I was so anxious to meet a girl before she came.
And I shed many tears when she left me.
I loved her more than anyone could ever love her,
But I could not force her to stay with me.
Though I tried, I could not convince her.

I lost my sweet girlfriend because of my bêtise.
The grief of losing her is so unbearable.
It was a misfortune to love her and lose her,
But it was definitely worth the failure.
I cannot narrate the sadness that I am feeling.
How I miss the love that broke my heart.

It was a good experience to fall in love with her.
Love was joyous and delightful at the start,
But in the end, it brought sorrow and pain.
Now I still think about the day I met her.
I remember the chill and the big drops of rain.
She laughed when I mentioned her funny shoes.

My beloved is no longer a part of my life.
All I have is a cherished photograph of her.
I knew that my happiness would end someday,
But I did not expect to lose her so quickly.
Why did love do such a cruel thing to my heart?

The stars over our village no longer shine for you and me.
And we don’t kiss in the light of the moon any more.

My sorrowful eyes shed endless tears for you, my beloved.
The green willows below the hillside weep for you, too.

How I yearn for the babyish embrace of your tender arms.
Your friends in our hometown wonder where you are.

The songbirds and I are so lonely because we miss you.
When will we look at spectacular sunsets together again?

The grief in my heart won’t go away until you return.
Maybe someday my woeful face will smile sweetly again.

I often walk slowly along the riverside and think of you.
Darling, come back to the flowers in the valley and me.

    I wish  
I could've  
      tasted your
      bitter lies
when your  
    lips  
were pressed
against mine!
 
 my feelings  
for you  
    are fucking
   haunting!
obsession
has become
ill and fucking  
     daunting!
 
you destroyed  
         my only  
   fuckin heart
you ripped  
        my paper
life apart  
 
our memories  
      are enemies
           that keep me
         cold  
in the dark
 
I can never  
      love again
my shield
 has grown  
to goddamn
 thick!
 
 
why did it
have to  
   end  
with hate
my future
holds a loveless
fate!
 
I have cryed
so many  
    fucking times
   now my tears  
have completely
dried!
 
compassion  
      romance
   trust  
true love
    obsolete
the pain
 is buried  
to fucking deep!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

She was speaking wordless  
conversed an unfamiliar way,  
and I, I heard less,  
the more she had to say.  
 
She spoke to me of our future  
by stance, by glance, by tilt of her head,  
but I, caught in some other culture  
couldn't get it into my deaf head?  
 
The confusion slowly unravelled.  
but time's hand declined to wait,  
as it grinds onwards, it revelled,  
each tick, a mock, too late, too late...  
 
She comes to mind now, unbidden,  
as, when we were young,  
but now I can not be rid of  
this expressive one.  
 
She was speaking wordless  
conversed a different way  
and I, I heard less,  
the more she had to say.

For the love of god
That was the worst rejection ever
Please don’t let me do that again, NEVER

I really created an epic smashup
All of it was essentially made up

What, with my stupid unsolicited text messages
And the candid confessions
The incessant spamming
And night time obsessions
A trailblazing dogs breakfast
of imagined transgressions
I laid it all bare not thinking of the repercussions

In my mind I’d imagined a bone fide connection, full of possibilities
But both of us have partners, children and families
Your wife is clearly awesome, no doubt that’s why you’re together
I think it’d be awkward if I ever met her
I’d probably come across as your “Scarlet letter”
Only you would never have opened it
Because you aren’t an adulterer
And my husband deserves more respect from his partner

And when we examine the facts of the matter
Our lives are actually not known to each other
It’s been twenty plus years since we hung out together

I just fell for a conjured up version of you
Its clear I’m a total utter fruit loop
A completely unhinged blast from the past
A secret betrayer, the ultimate iconoclast

I really didn’t have the right
To message you like that
Pretending like I had some kind of ownership
Im afraid it undoubtedly killed the friendship

I mean for fuck safe you have a wife
I have never done that before in my life

Blatantly making it up in my head
Super embarrassed about the things that I said

I can’t think what to do.
I’m sorry.
I really baffled you.

Right now I just want to ring and explain
But I get it if you won’t reply to me ever again.