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unrecognized within a glimpse of familiar

� �
��
I've been mulling over an idea � � � �
while reading � � � �
always incessantly reading � � � �
which leads to writing, � � � �
of course � � � �
� � � �
There's a quote � � � �
a mantra, maybe � � � �
that i came across � � � �
i loosely remember� � � �
"It should be about being fearless, �
and bravely exposing your humanity
on�the page. You'll know it when you see it."
�
How ironic, � �
me, brave?
�
Well, just maybe.

................� � �
� � � �
My palms are instant flopsweat at even the hint of true soul sharing... � � � �
� � � �
What's worthy? � � � �
i am not that interesting � � � �
my inner secret self sits crossed legged� � � �
'fingers plugged in ears' � � � �
while singing an annoying song-- � � � �
and ignoring � � � �
NOT wanting to be cracked open � � � �
but knowing � � � �
� � � �
There's a bagel cooking now � � � �
right now � � � �
i love that smell of it toasting � � � �
and i love cream cheese, � � � �
more than i should � � � �
perhaps more than life itself? � � � �
i try not to pile it on � � � �
yet i always do � � � �
it's a reaction to not being able to have it � � �
not when you're a (former) fat kid � � �
it was (is?) taboo � � � �
a hard smack across the face � � � �
(one of many) � � � �
is the answer � � � �
when you schmear the "wrong amount" � � � �
if you ever had a mother like my own � � � �
In fact-any bread version � � � �
outside the listed options, really � � � �
(Note: the list was displayed on the front of the fridge and entitled � �
"Susan's allowed foods " --i was 8 years old) � �
much less 'too much' cream cheese � �
'behavior' that usually left my face stinging red � �
with cheeks trailed in teary � �
not sure whether it was a slap � �
or my usual humiliation � �
that caused blistering face glow � �
� � �
"You're NOT eating THAT... � �
i won't have any daughter of mine embarrass me with her fat ass"... � �
� � �
Close up, � �
peering into the lion's den � �
it was worse � �
� � �
much worse. � � �
� � �
The harshest damage done is usually that of the unseen. No physical marks? Then no harm no foul.... � �
� � �
By thirteen � �
i was the lone survivor � �
the youngest of three daughters � �
left to my own defenses � �
alone and much too aware � �
of the wrath upcoming � �
i had watched for years � �
the worst (or so i thought) soul crushing � �
self esteem annihilation � �
an obliteration � �
forever an insecurity creating � �
persons ruined, for all intents and purposes � �
two older sister's were unfortunate � �
within their joint victimization � �
at least they had each other � �
and since they usually weathered together � �
I thought I was � �
for the most part � �
considering � �
and in comparison � �
left alone - psyche wise � �
(except the publicity displayed humiliation � �
of the fridge list) � �
until i wasn't � �
i watched and heard everything � �
the internal household anguish ran visceral � �
day to day of only surviving � �
my eighty to ninety an hour � �
work week father � �
was in perpetual hiding � �
which allowed for zero cover � �
of a child's delicate emotional guiding � �
already scarred deeper than � �
any tender child of that age � �
should ever have to stand; � �
i was all alone � �
no one to help me defend � �
so, i was the brunt � �
of all her known own self hate � �
inflicted via transference � �
a verbal bloody non-stop hate-filled occurrence � �
not a day went by � �
that i wasn't reminded of weight, fit or food � �
often it was only water � �
and a Flintstones children's chewable vitamin � �
that sustenance provided � �
my sisters were gone � �
dad didn't think anything was ever wrong � �
� � �
so, i just lived it. � �
� � �
over and over � �
tears, hunger, ridicule � �
a daily tiny death of my real self's worth � �
� � �
There's nothing that tastes as good as skinny feels... � �
� � �
A lie that i tried desperately to become... � �
to be all, to be real � �
i did finally � �
i became that longed for ideal � �
everything was supposedly better � �
when that pressure � �
and iron fist was now all clear � �
� � �
Right? � � �
� � �
Yeah, not even close to being right � �
� � �
I realized on the cusp � �
of my own grown up life � �
that she's her own worst punishment � �
her and just her � �
all alone with her own mind � �
� � �
As for myself � � �
I'm forever scarred � �
but I get glimpses � �
of a hoped for familiar � �
I recognize it clearly � �
� � �
"you'll know it when you see it..." � �
� � �
... that fearless humanity � � � �
� � � �
� � � �
� � � �
� � � �
� � � �
� � � �

Written by Bluevelvete

Published 28th Jan 2021 | Edited 20th Jun 2022

Author's Note

This piece is terrifying to post but I promised myself to post all that I write and it seems even more important to continue to honor that promise... here goes...

�Blu2020

#abuse #confessional #LifeStruggles #SelfWorth

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

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Re. unrecognized within a glimpse of familiar

FeNyX

28th Jan 2021 3:06am

Epic write ... format and all ... 'There's nothing that tastes as good as skinny feels...' I don't think I've ever heard a better description ... Bless and love ... ..

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unrecognized within a glimpse of familiar

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