It caught me by surprise in the closet …that’s the shirt I was wearing that day… Finger tips remembering the seams they scrutinized, those tiny beads and the slip of the fabric as my mind congealed and went blank
I wasn’t even in danger; a public place with a friend Me sitting frozen like a cartoon lizard memorizing crumb patterns on the worn carpet, victim of an unwanted stress response simply because I had resolved to be completely vulnerable.
I don’t remember much of the conversation. Just the loud rushing of my own beating...
It's been years I've been wriggling myself out painfully from the encasement of old habits and layers of dessicated relationships Once a solid warmth within which to explore the dark questions Now a useless confinement worn paper-thin
I am discovered.
Gasping, blinking toward light I shrug off the remnants of immovable safety Flutter free Taking direction only from the wind on wings of trust
That needy thing that happens when it feels like my legs won't hold me, when self-doubt clouds all reason and propriety takes a holiday; Before the filter clicks in place the invitation is sent ....impulsive... Repulsive in its naked selfishness, making me blush in a way that isn't cute as I covet your acceptance while anticipating rejection.
This tendency disgusts me like a snivelling servant or a whipped dog; It must be uncomfortable to witness.
Poetry made me suspicious. Or maybe it’s just the poets. Nothing in humans is as it appears.
First, I became aware of the movement of my soul, seething magma under the surface, ready to move mountains and build new worlds – sometimes by force of explosion and flow, sometimes by slow-creeping flickers – but always liquid and always hot.
Carrying that weight of emotion as a secret was like boiling from the inside out; but to fully unleash it would be destructive as fire and flood… And I’ve never wished to...