Down to ride

The emotions behind this piece are deep and moving. You write from places deep beneath the surface. Its appreciated.  
 
 I'm here if you need to vent.

Thank you jadedembers for read and support :)

Reminds me of one of my favorite songs
Flesh and the power it holds by Death.

Love
&
Angst

a deadly combination
well reflected here.


Like.

Thank you Devlin :)

Hello, Cosmonaut.

Thank you for sharing your work. You said you wanted honest feedback and  I tend to be a deep-critter, so honest feedback I can do. Please don't be intimidated by the deep-crit, that's just my style and the length of my crit just means I invested myself in your poem.

Here goes!:

I *loved* the first stanza. Please don't change it in any way, it reads very powerfully and got me hooked.

The second stanza lost me a bit. Aside from the typo (Your everything ---> You're everything), I wasn't entirely sure the feeling was consistent. Either you are describing a very particular, conflicted-feeling situation regarding drugs (to which I can't relate), or you are talking about suicide, in which case the stanza is mostly good, but the "feel the rush in my lungs" lends to more of a state of euphoria than depression and so it doesn't seem to fit. Also, I feel like the "go back to the mud" part is a little odd--what is it supposed to represent? Or were you being more on the literal side with that?...It's odd only because the other things you list in that stanza come across as consecutive actions that result in passing out. (If it had been a list of a variety of different, unrelated things that you felt like doing because of your emotions, it would be different.) So I'm left picturing you sitting in mud (wondering why you both started there--implied by the 'going *back*' part--and why you want to chose mud as your venue for slitting your wrists (my take-away from the 'sword in my veins' part), and passing out. Or wanting to, anyway.  

Third stanza is good. There is a typo/spelling error though:  
And Are sex ---> And our sex

Fourth stanza is pretty good. It isn't as poignant, but it's good. There are some spelling errors to fix, though, and a line that stands out too much:
Are lips touch I'm gone  ---> Our lips touch I'm gone  (I liked this line, by the way! I don't know if the lack of comma is intentional; I would prefer the comma, but it's your poetic license to leave it out and it would still read well.)
In some other land  
Where you and I are together in are own little heaven  ---->  spelling error in this line...it should read ..."*our* own little heaven"; more importantly, though, this is the *only* line that's this long in the whole poem and it isn't a particularly spectacular or even original line, so I would either split the line in two or delete it so that it doesn't stand out like it does.
Everything is perfect  

But then I wake up  
See my life's fucked  
Nobody can love me
I'm a self loathing fuck  ---> I like this stanza up until this line. I wish you could have found a different rhyming word so that it isn't virtually the same as the one two lines prior. (Note: I believe self loathing is written "self-loathing" because it is a two part adjective.)  

The next stanza is a good one...this lady sounds like she's something special! Another spelling error, though:
It seems impossible to good to be true  ---> It seems impossible *too* good to be true  (Also, another line where commas could be used, but poetic licence and all of that....)

Ahhh, and the seventh stanza is another stanza that I love in this poem! Really good stuff in this one...  
Nothing golden ever stays  
Maybe I just self destruct and push away ----> self-destruct
Im not worth love away ----> I'm
One day you'll see it  
And I'll see you walking away  ----> Consider rewording this slightly. What do you think of simply omitting the "and"?  

The eighth stanza was good, but sort of seemed to belong to a different poem...somehow it didn't have the same feel as the rest of this.  

Stanza 9 was good. I think you could make it a little more powerful, but I don't have any specific advice for it.


I hope my crit helped. Again, I'm a deep critter, so please don't be put off by the length or quantity of my suggested edits, it's typical for my crits to be this long. Keep writing what you do, my friend.

No sweat lol , it's true I'm horrible at spelling and have no patience to correct it, thanks for the detailed critique ! Glad ya dig some of it sorry about the painful grammer errors