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Weird shit and nothing else

Styxian
Dangerous Mind
United States 15awards
Joined 9th Oct 2021
Forum Posts: 167

Well not exactly weird, but...

This one time, a lovely lady broke down on her bicycle, directly outside my kitchen window.  
Long story short, we eventually started doing the humpty dance, a day or two later.
She had black hair, with a towering bush to match.  (Eh, not a deal breaker).  We went at it like rabid bunnies for two weeks non stop.  

She gave me crabs.  The bitch gave me crabs!  In a panic, I found what I thought would kill them A-fucking-SAP;  Bug spray.
The crabs were nicer.   Holy motherfucking red pecker deluxe!   My entire groin was on fire.  And red as the devils ass.  I scrubbed in the shower, but no relief (it's already absorbed in your skin)  so I also shaved all my pubic hair too. Which actually made it all burn worse, since the skin was so sensitive.  
So, genius me, hauls ass to the beach, a mile away. And jumped in the ocean.

Salt.water.bad.

She had to die.  I called her up and bitched her out, etc .  She acted innocent of course.  
But she was the only recent partner I had at the time.  

The kicker, during one of our sessions, she said she had a "video" out, and she'd sell me a copy at a discount.  Yes, I'm serious.  
No, I didn't want a copy.  

She got married two months later, to some random guy she barely knew.  So I heard.

Wow.  


Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Styxian said:Well not exactly weird, but...

This one time, a lovely lady broke down on her bicycle, directly outside my kitchen window.  
Long story short, we eventually started doing the humpty dance, a day or two later.
She had black hair, with a towering bush to match.  (Eh, not a deal breaker).  We went at it like rabid bunnies for two weeks non stop.  

She gave me crabs.  The bitch gave me crabs!  In a panic, I found what I thought would kill them A-fucking-SAP;  Bug spray.
The crabs were nicer.   Holy motherfucking red pecker deluxe!   My entire groin was on fire.  And red as the devils ass.  I scrubbed in the shower, but no relief (it's already absorbed in your skin)  so I also shaved all my pubic hair too. Which actually made it all burn worse, since the skin was so sensitive.  
So, genius me, hauls ass to the beach, a mile away. And jumped in the ocean.

Salt.water.bad.

She had to die.  I called her up and bitched her out, etc .  She acted innocent of course.  
But she was the only recent partner I had at the time.  

The kicker, during one of our sessions, she said she had a "video" out, and she'd sell me a copy at a discount.  Yes, I'm serious.  
No, I didn't want a copy.  

She got married two months later, to some random guy she barely knew.  So I heard.

Wow.  



Oh…. my….. god….

I think I shit myself laughing.

There’s no way. No… omg.

You’re serious?

Styx… you are absolutely a weird shit contender.


Indie
Miss Indie
Tyrant of Words
Australia 35awards
Joined 3rd Sep 2011
Forum Posts: 3240

I had a coffee mug fall on my face during sex. My boyfriend was freaking out, while I'm dying of laughter that I got hit in the head with a mug, cause I was the idiot that left it on the bedhead.

Also, I wasn't sure how I was going to explain how the ensuing black eye was a sex related accident.

Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States 117awards
Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 15088

A *Mug shot*! LOL!

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
124awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16354

I thought this was weird funny but I don't know if its worthy to be mentioned here. You be the judge.
In those days we lived in bamboo houses, and the floor was made of bamboo splits where there are gaps between them. Its good for ventilation in the tropics. Our walls were built of those too.
One day, a couple on a journey to a new homestead passed the night at my grandmother's house, (she was a young girl then). They slept on the floor. In the middle of the night the woman screamed very loudly waking up the whole family.
It seemed the cat sprung at her bushy VeeJay, clawing and biting it, thinking it was a rat , Her sarong had edged up her chest.
When my grandmother related this story, all of my cousins and siblings laughed. But I thought about how painful it must have been for the visitor.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Indie said:I had a coffee mug fall on my face during sex. My boyfriend was freaking out, while I'm dying of laughter that I got hit in the head with a mug, cause I was the idiot that left it on the bedhead.

Also, I wasn't sure how I was going to explain how the ensuing black eye was a sex related accident.




Ahahaha! Girl you got mugged!!!

I love it.






Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Grace said:I thought this was weird funny but I don't know if its worthy to be mentioned here. You be the judge.
In those days we lived in bamboo houses, and the floor was made of bamboo splits where there are gaps between them. Its good for ventilation in the tropics. Our walls were built of those too.
One day, a couple on a journey to a new homestead passed the night at my grandmother's house, (she was a young girl then). They slept on the floor. In the middle of the night the woman screamed very loudly waking up the whole family.
It seemed the cat sprung at her bushy VeeJay, clawing and biting it, thinking it was a rat , Her sarong had edged up her chest.
When my grandmother related this story, all of my cousins and siblings laughed. But I thought about how painful it must have been for the visitor.



Grace! I’m screaming! A pussy bit her kitty?!

That is mega The Fuck points my friend. Double for getting the bush clawed in what I can see is the only bad way. Damn!




Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

There are no accidents in the universe. This thread popped up just as I had a story!

I’m currently hiding in my office texting my former colleagues how hard I’m going to fuck their moms over this shit.

So!

Upon my announcement that I was quitting real work and going into academia, my coworkers hid 500 little plastic dicks - like the ones you get at a bachelorette party, in my old office.

For weeks, everything I owned was treated with suspicion for the probability of dick-ness. Purse, wallet, computer bag, makeup case, cut and taped into portfolios, glued into vases and tchotchkes.

Dickapaloooza.

Fifteen minutes ago, I went searching for an old USB drive that had materials I wanted to show my boss. Stuff I haven’t touched in years.

Grabbed the little bag I keep USBs I don’t want but I’m afraid to delete… and a tiny pink dick plopped out on my desk.

My boss stared at it. Looked at me.

Said, “Size doesn’t matter,” and left without the USB.

Yep.







Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
124awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16354

Betty said:There are no accidents in the universe. This thread popped up just as I had a story!

I’m currently hiding in my office texting my former colleagues how hard I’m going to fuck their moms over this shit.

So!

Upon my announcement that I was quitting real work and going into academia, my coworkers hid 500 little plastic dicks - like the ones you get at a bachelorette party, in my old office.

For weeks, everything I owned was treated with suspicion for the probability of dick-ness. Purse, wallet, computer bag, makeup case, cut and taped into portfolios, glued into vases and tchotchkes.

Dickapaloooza.

Fifteen minutes ago, I went searching for an old USB drive that had materials I wanted to show my boss. Stuff I haven’t touched in years.

Grabbed the little bag I keep USBs I don’t want but I’m afraid to delete… and a tiny pink dick plopped out on my desk.

My boss stared at it. Looked at me.

Said, “Size doesn’t matter,” and left without the USB.

Yep.








Omg!

Indie
Miss Indie
Tyrant of Words
Australia 35awards
Joined 3rd Sep 2011
Forum Posts: 3240

Ohh, back when I identified as a lesbian, I was having lunch with some women I knew from AA, and we ended up in a sex store, cause of them has never been in one before. I ended up buying a box of dick mints, so I could tell these women I'd "sucked dick today", just to see their reactions. Was 100% worth it to see the look of confusion on their faces, and then offer them a dick mint.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Indie said:Ohh, back when I identified as a lesbian, I was having lunch with some women I knew from AA, and we ended up in a sex store, cause of them has never been in one before. I ended up buying a box of dick mints, so I could tell these women I'd "sucked dick today", just to see their reactions. Was 100% worth it to see the look of confusion on their faces, and then offer them a dick mint.

DICK MINTS?! This is the first time I've wanted body-shaped candy since I learned about Edible Anus Chocolates.

(You know you need to Google that.)

Dick Mints are not on the first page of Amazon, but a JAR OF DICKS is.


Indie
Miss Indie
Tyrant of Words
Australia 35awards
Joined 3rd Sep 2011
Forum Posts: 3240

Lol, that does not surprise me about Amazon at all.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Indie said:Lol, that does not surprise me about Amazon at all.

I just ordered Christmas gifts for everyone.


Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
124awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16354

Betty said:

I just ordered Christmas gifts for everyone.



Don't forget not to give it to the pastor's wife. She'll either have a heart attack or the husband will. Minty dick sounds kind of screamy

Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States 117awards
Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 15088

This fucking thread is hilarious!

So, I was living in this basement apartment a lifetime ago and its entrance had sliding glass doors. One day my brother showed up at my bedroom/office window, which confused me, and he said, "Sis! There's this huge, gigantic, enormous ( and most likely additional adjectives I can't recall ) SNAKE stretched across your doors!"

I was like, WTF? And sure enough, I walked into the living room and just about SHIT my pants. It was the HUGEST, FATTEST snake I had ever seen in my life!  All my brother could find was a large stick to poke it. He finally got it off my door and it fell from my screened in porch ( probably the way it got in ) and instead of heading for the wooded area it slid under the house.

I though nothing more of it.

A month or so later, I was taking a shower. The apartment only had one of those small shower stalls with a light atop it. So, I had just lathered my hair really good and I felt something drop on my hands. I was like, WTF?! Through soapy, burning eyes I saw something writhing at the bottom of the shower so jumped out! shampoo and all!

I took the shower massage ( I swear to the gods ) and put it on Jet and cornered the damn thing in the shower by propping the shower massage up with shampoo and conditioner bottles. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a large mason jar, and with the shower massage finagled that damn snake into it!

I always thought it would be a great Shower Massage Commercial. 'Also good for fighting off snakes!'

I heard my landlord outside cutting grass so threw on my robe and grabbed the mason jar and headed outside, hair still lathered, and eyes red as fuck as though I was high. I was raising hell about the snake getting into the apartment and wrapping itself around my shower light. I noticed he couldn't take his eyes off the 'snake'.

I finally handed it to him because he said he knew people that raised snakes and they could tell us what it was. I went back in my apartment and in passing the mirror I noticed that in all the commotion, I had thrown my robe on but not tied it. So he was in fact looking at my tits rather than the snake. That made me even madder, though I can laugh about it now.

Anyway, a few hours later, he knocked on the door and said his neighbors had decided to keep it because it was a baby python.

I'm like, HELL TO THE NO! TO THE NO! NO! NO! And realized that damn huge, gigantic, enormous ( and most likely additional adjectives I can't recall ) SNAKE stretched across my doors had gone under the house and had laid eggs and they were hatching!

I didn't sleep for the rest of the time I was there, and even stayed at friend's houses until I moved the HELL out the next week and never looked back.

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