Don’t Tell

Please read at your own risk

Fictional story

Trigger Warning ⚠️ child abuse

“I came home from a sleepover
And inside I was so confused
I felt dirty and my privates hurt
I thought what happened was abuse

I didn’t exactly know what that word meant
I wasn’t sure
But I don’t think it was right, asked him to stop
I was just four

Should I tell my mommy
Should I speak up, should I tell
He hurt me, that was the third time
That secret hurts, I tried to yell

He made me promise not to speak
But I didn’t think that that was right
I didn’t want to go over
Didn’t wanna go and spend the night

My mommy and my daddy worked
Late nights just once a week
And on those nights I was shipped off
To my moms brother down the street

I’d go to bed and then he’d wake me up
Sometimes he’s naked
I don’t know why it happened
He’d just stand there and he’d shake it”

I go back to that memory
Hell now I am all in
I forget me for a moment
And go back that’s what I did…

“He touches me and it feels bad
It really hurts, I fight, I try
My mom serves me some cereal
I’m really scared and start to cry

She asks me what is wrong
I try to talk but I just choke
She then sits down beside me
Hands me a napkin, my eyes soak

I told her I could not go back
How he touched me and what he said
She stood up and she called him
There was screaming, she turned red

“He said you’ve been a bad girl
You broke his cup and then you lied.  
Is this another story because
He caught you, said you cried”

I tell her between sobs
I tell her everything, I don’t lie
She shook her head, then pointed
I walk down the hallway as I cry

“You’re uncle is a pillar, goes to church
He’s a fucking saint
Your lies could damage everything
You’re going to learn that lies I hate”

She took me to a closet
Pushed me in and locked the door
I should be off to pre school
Not in a dark closet on the floor

It’s dark there and there’s silence
I regret every single word
I see as she walks by, she never stops
My vision blurred

The hours go by slowly
I fall asleep a time or two
She pulls me out and shakes me
Making sure this I’ll never do

My dad comes home, I’m crying
I tell him mom locked me up all day
She ran out of the kitchen and grabbed my hair
“It’s been lies all day!”

My dad stood still
My mom sat down
I sat there and cried
Did not make a sound

“Oh and get this, this morning
She said that Steve touched her
Can you believe that our Steve
So many lies now another”

My dad he looked back
from me then to her
And he just shook his head
As if not really sure

I was sent off to my room
To think about what I had done
I was honest, I told an adult
Now I’m hated by everyone

I didn’t like the closet
So I’ll never tell again
Why did I get in so much trouble
Doesn’t their god think it’s a sin

My uncle has a rosary
It was the only thing he wore
Now seeing one triggers me back
Grab mine and throw it on the floor

My mother walks in later
Must’ve been at least an hour
She’s sees my rosary on the floor
And she hits me with such power

“How dare you trash my Jesus
You’re telling lies and now this!
I won’t allow it, on your knees
You better pray that god exists”

I get down on my knees
And they I prayed out really loud
I tell him that I’m sorry
What she tells me as she mouths

I repeat everything she says
I ask god for his forgiveness
She then blessed me, put me to bed
I cried for hours, god my witness”

I look up to my doctor
She really hasn’t said a word
I wipe a tear that’s running down
Then wipe at snot, sight again blurred

“Did you ever go back
To stay with your uncle?”
I nod then I stand
As I pace my knees buckle

“That’s when he started buying me
I guess he groomed me in a way
My parents never mentioned it
I got dropped off without a say

He’d make me often sit
Up on his lap to watch tv
To everyone it was normal
My privates rubbing on his knee

For me it was the norm back then
It happened for so many years”
She tells me how it was normalized
I sit and listen through the tears

I’m here to fix the hurt
Try to get rid of my aggression
We talk about it every week
It has become my new obsession

I cry for things I cannot change
That visit every week, I lost it
Explaining all I had to do is
Just to not go back into the closet