Notgoingtoworkapram

the virtual psychiatrist
greets me from her well-appointed living room
i don't like her on sight
but i keep an open mind

five minutes into the appointment
she asks about my sleep
five hours a night
sometimes three
when Fitbit shows me a six
it's cause for celebration

that's your problem
she states bluntly
nothing is going to get better
until you sleep seven hours a night

seven!
that happens about twice a year
i know she's right
honed right in on it
i like her better

i can't be on Ambien
because it makes me do weird things
(because i force myself to stay awake on it
because i love the trippy state of consciousness)
i don't tell her that
i also don't tell her
that Ambien makes me send porno emails
to former lovers

i do tell her about cooking weird things
at 3:00 AM
because i think i'm in an Iron Chef competition

she agrees
no Ambien

i listen hopefully
for a solution

we could try Evenmoretiredinthemorningaprine
she muses
or Impairedthinkingsomra
and if you're having problems with irritability
we could add in Loseyoursexdriveagine
or Gainafucktonofweightakote

you're also having some problems with depression?
okay, we can also add in some
Increasedsideeffectsamine
or Riskofmanicepisodesatine

she asks about my sleep hygiene
i sheepishly admit
staying on my computer
unti ready to go to bed
yes
i am an idiot
yes, blue light
 i know
i know
it's good advice
she's making sense

then she's not again

olay, we have a plan
she says crisply
you'll stay on the Doesn'thelpyourADDbutdecreasesyourappetitevanse
and start you on the Evenmoretiredinthemorningprine
and a low dose of the Loseyoursexdriveagine
and in two weeks you'll start
on the Gainafucktonofweightakote
i'll call those in to your pharmacy
any questions?

no
thank you
i don't like you
(i don't say that)

i know what i really need
is Goodloverazil
and Differentjobaloft
and Betterblackoutcurtainsazine

the last one is easy

not so much the other ones

but i'm pretty sure
turning off all screens by 10 PM
will help more than
Lamotrapramazacakote