J

She grew up with a coffin  
as a coffee table
knows way too much about guns
loves bad boys who fuck  
like demi gods  
and hates being alone  
 
She spends half her time stoned
is a good mum  
with the patience of a saint
can't cook anything  
that doesn't come out of a packet
she makes chicken nuggets
look like a gourmet meal  
and has asked me so many times
to teach her how to cook
though we never find the time
 
She's been clean 6 years now  
lost custody of her kid  
for being a meth head
it made her clean up her mess
deal with the grief of losing her mum
and turn her life around
 
Has two kids now
took her 5 years to leave  
her latest ex
she's trauma bonded to
and while she doesn't  
love him anymore  
she doesn't know how
to disconnect  
and let him stop messing  
with her head  
 
She bought valium
off me one time  
to get through a cps appointment  
I stayed for moral support  
they stayed for 5 minutes
asked the kids if they're happy  
and left satisfied  
 
She likes my calm silences
when we hang out in her apartment
talking over coffee and cigarettes  
one minute
chilling out in quiet the next
without the pressure  
to entertain each other
 
But she's also a bad girl
that likes stupid people  
who make her feel some kind
of moral superiority  
though hanging out with them
hasn't done anything  
for her reputation  
 
Just cause she's not on meth
doesn't mean she doesn't love
getting high sometimes  
just to forget she's lonely  
with a boyfriend in prison
and living in shelter  
that would kick her out
for smoking weed
if they ever caught her  
 
She wants freedom
and all she's found  
since leaving her controlling ex
is more rules
 
She wants better
but doesn't know how to find it
and knows she's fucking shit up
while she tries to get by
in a situation that's half way
between where she was
and where she wants to be
 
We talk everyday  
she tells me she misses me
and that she's depressed now I'm gone
misses our morning coffees
misses our kids running around  
the apartment entertaining each other
so we can have a breather for just a second
 
And I miss her too
though her world is full of more drama
than I want to handle
and I'm glad her new boyfriend  
is in prison  
so he can't fuck her up more  
than she's already doing to herself  
cause all I really know about him
is that he's a fucking good lay  
and that he makes her life  
feel like an adventure  
when she otherwise feels lost  
with no clear direction
 
And I can't wait til our kids
are not sick  
so she can come spend the weekend
and we can spend half the time not talking  
just chilling out in easy silence
over coffee  
watching the kids run around  
like the mad little things they are
hoping they grow up
to have better lives than ours
 
© Indie Adams 2022