I love and hate this place in equal measure it's like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice with the sunshine on one side and a storm on the other
You know that when the storm is over the sunshine won't be exactly the same and as much as you wish you could weather more storms you're not built to withstand the wind and rain and waves that lash at your body and threaten to drown you
There's no shame in staying alive
There's no shame in running and finding shelter some place else ...
I always wanted to be "that" mum healthy, homemade, and looking like it belonged in a cook book
I failed on two out of three though I tried so hard to find a balance and Iet's be honest I don't have enough patience to be a home cook pastry chef
And maybe it's a defining moment of your childhood (as well as one of my parenting) that my most memorable homemade meal consisted of polenta, cup'o soup and cheddar cheese and I know the croutons didn't really belong but damn they tasted good and maybe that...
You wear two faces and they look the same I never know which one I'll get today
Sorry is a five letter word that holds no meaning when yesterday's mistakes repeat themselves like a glitch in the code of our lives I haven't figured out how to rewrite when you're the silent saboteur of our better tomorrow
I don't know how to look back without flinching I'm covered in scars you can't see and can't undo
I dream of your dead lifeless body and awake to sweaty palms and a panic attack wondering if you made it through another broken night
You hold death on your tongue like the promise of a good night kiss and I can't hold your face any closer or further away because it makes no difference to the rain in your eyes and I won't be the one to pull trigger
You hold death on your tongue like a knife and I refuse to be mugged by your sadness when I can't save you from the abyss you dug...
I stare at the black and white form it's a tick-all-the-right-boxes type of form we both know I won't colour outside the lines not on this form not in those boxes I care too much about words you'll speak that I'll never hear
You hold all the balloon strings and I wish you'd let those bubbles of air go that you'd pop them or bite them or light them on fire in them you see you whole life you don't believe me when I tell you they're just bubbles of air