A Sweet Journey

 
     We were on way to Thirupati in Tamilnadu. I was quite tired with the long tour of the area during these days. This trip of journey too was a sequel to it. You may enjoy the tours and travels, but constant journeys without enough rest make you tired and fatigued. Still, new experiences and curiosity to see more keeps you on.
              Our travel-coach had taken off from Chennai. After some ten or twelve kilometers, the bus haulted on way at Arcot to accommodate the last group of its tourists. I had a casual glance at them. A couple with a child of about 6 or 7 years came to my sight. They boarded on the bus. The young black lady with her proportionately carved figure attracted my attention. I was startled in a fix. Was she a Tamil edition of Unmayee? In comparison to the color and concept of beauty in northern India, eyes were naturally anxious for looking to a face and figure that sooths them. The complexion of the skin in south is generally black with dry skin as if wrapped with layers of the burnt ash. That even could be attractive, if there be some gleam on the skin, which one likes. This added quality is rare there. The dryness on the black faces with allergic shapes detracts the eyes. Our new companion lady was an exception.
     She had a slander figure that Bharatnatyam exponents have. Wrapped in a green south Indian Saree, she wore sunglass on her eyes.  My mind suddenly flashed with the memories of my lost companion. I felt as if she had transformed herself in to this new shape before my eyes to relieve my sad heart. I wished they could sit on the vacant three by two seat berth lying vacant in my own row. But  no they had  quick look of the position and chose to seat themselves at the rearest row in a hustle.
     The bus stopped again midway to a place to allow the passengers to have some tea etc at a restaurant, which seemed empty until the flock of passengers from the bus filled it. My eyes had a searching glace over the passengers spread around the tables there. My heart anxiously sought for the pleasing new companion, who could sooth it. The searching eyes suddenly met with hers. She was adjusting herself within her seat in the company of her husband and the child. Meeting of the eyes caught her heart also with mine, which through the unwatched glance amongst the crowd communicated to her my silent message that how beautiful it would have been, if they could sit beside us. She had perhaps noted my interest in her. It is a strange phenomenon of the human mind that in spite of our strong secured pretensions our feelings are communicated to and read by the human object of our interest. She could probably read the keenness in my eyes which were infecting hers own eyes too now. The business of communication went on there through hidden glances to make our eyes meet now and then.
     I tried to sooth my exciting mind telling that it should not be restless. What it reads and concludes could be an illusion of its own.  It is out of our own fancy very often that we hurriedly jump on to the conclusions, which we should avoid. Still my eyes driven by the force of my heart couldn’t check themselves. All over the journey now and then I curiously turned my head to the passengers at my back to look pretentiously the lady of my choice, who herself could note the message and peeped in my eyes with the same pretentious way that I had adopted. No, I resisted still to my restless heart in-between to advise that what it thought was very bad and uncalled for. I thought, I should restrict to my real business. Passengers meet all over and we should not be so possessive towards them. But, …but what could I do ? It was a search to quench the thirst of the heart as if in a desert, where you find relief even with a drop of water.
     We were told the program and plans of visit further at Thirumala bus stop prior to getting down from the tourist bus. I watched my lady again while on way to the restaurant for lunch . As if watching elsewhere we watched and unseeingly glanced at each other even from the distances. The environment at the lunch center was very friendly and cordial. Searching for the vacant tables,  I wished we could make a company somehow. It couldn't be possible because we had no opportunity to communicate amidst the incoming and outgoing groups in their busy schedules. I along with my group found a table at the middle of the hall. Having seated there I watched my lady and her people sitting around a table near the entrance. Our eyes met, peeped momentarily in each others communicating in

an unwritten language the perplex-ion for  not having the opportunity to be together. They had, however, the message of each other’s heart. The blood was attracting the blood flowing within the body at the other end.
     What should it have been that thrilled me with her looks? I had not any comparison within my mind, when she attracted my eyes spontaneously. It was later; that I marked the similarity between what was before my eyes and what was deeply in within my subconscious with yearlong impressions and experiences. It appeared as if the face with figure and looks that I had encountered a decade back had reappeared before my eyes creating the same experience of thrill, which engrossed me then, there in the shadows of deep past.
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     Who was she? I still ponder over the question. We remained together for as long as a decade but still she appears to be a stranger to me. She was Unmayee. We had an encounter of the eyes during the days we used to sit alone in the workroom. Neither me, nor she had in the habit of chitchatting much. Both had a strange seriousness in our hearts. As I knew later on, she, like me had not very pleasant experiences with the home. We would just sit at our chamber, worked silently with rare talks under compulsions. ‘What is the meaning of this word’; she would raise her head and ask me abruptly. I would look to her eyes gleaming from behind her depressed heart, and explain what the word meant. I realized it later that the words apart our sad and silent eyes were used to reveal the language hidden behind our hearts to each other.
     She came closer to me, when we were made a team to handle a certain project. It demanded our involvement in togetherness. Both of us had to chat and discuss with each other the things on various matters. It was a strange coincidence that both of us had a rational mind, had disliking for the shallow people, had a choosy nature as regards company, and had a good command over the language with beauty in expression and writings. None of us could perceive the moment, which brought our hearts together. I knew only that as soon as I would arrive to the work place, my eyes would start searching her face. My heart will beat anxiously if she is not found there. No sooner the appearance was in sight, eyes would fly at each other to meet. We both enjoyed working together and were so much accustomed to our togetherness that instead of home we felt much at home at the place we worked.
     Holidays made us sad and bored because they kept us away from the each other. She and me both agreed that we missed the pleasure of our union during the days of leave. Such days as if tested our patience to wait to rejoin each other. We met each other after such holidays with such a rejoice and anxiety, as if we were separated for a long time. Now Unmayee and me were no longer and in no way stranger to each other. We were cautious now to see that no one watches what goes on in the moments of our pleasure. Cautious, now to see that no one’s presence hinders our moments of isolation.      
     It was her birthday that tempted me to convey her, what I had in my heart. She expressed pleasant surprise when I congratulated her and presented some insignificant gift to her. “How could you know it”, she had said, “I had myself forgotten the celebration or my date because no one at home cares at it. I am very happy today”. But it was not this, which carried significance, rather it were the words I uttered with a husk in my voice that broke the barrier. Looking deep in to her eyes I told straightly that I loved her. I said,  ‘Unmayee, I cannot exist without you.’
     Unmayee turned serious for a moment. You know what are the compliments that I receive from my mister? After a pause she continued, “he says you are ugly having no culture at all. He says that he is repentant to have me. He says, he had offers from many families, and had he not committed the mistake of marrying me, he would have far better girls to his choice to marriage.” Complaining she said, “He always seeks fault in what I do whether it is cooking or something else.
     I had in my eyes during these movements the face of her husband, who himself looked quite ugly and fearful. He had a tough, rough and cruel dark face with the swollen lips, burnt with the cigarettes he smoked. He spoke with a harsh throat in a language that seemed quite ungentlemanly to me. From behind, I myself had pictures of my lady,  who was beautiful, but had no care for what I did, and what I liked. She missed the qualities and temperament that I desired to see in my better half.
     She has been allergic to written words. I do not remember to have seen her ever turning a book of what so ever kind. Even if I tried to talk her on things that mattered, she would remain quite and indifferent. I felt ridiculed myself on such occasions, each time I noticed her earring attitude and put to shame on the person, who talked to the walls only. I had a heart as sad and tortured as Unmayee had. Unmayee and me both found the reflections or our cherished desires in one another’s existence.
     We looked in each other’s eyes trying to read the tale of sorrow hidden behind them. I said to her, “Unmayee, alas I could be there in his place. It seems as if we are made for each other. I love you. Will you accept it?”
     As if awakened from a sleep she uttered, “Your words are frightening me. Do you know, we had exchanged words with each other that none of us will cheat the other or will hide any thing between the two. Oh no, it doesn't seem possible. If I keep those words of my wedding-moon night and If I tell this to him….” Suddenly she turned in to a naughty woman and asked me” Say, should I reveal this to him.”
     I looked in to her eyes and said, “Tell anyone you like to. I am firm and I cannot take my words back.”
     “Oh don’t fear I won’t tell this to my husband.” She said “Ah I am so happy today. At least there is someone who cares for me, who remembered my date of birth.” I asked in seriousness, “Unmayee are you displeased with me. I am unfortunate that you don’t find me worth loving you.”
     “Ah why you are taking ill of what I said. I didn't say all this to hurt you. Just think, how could it be possible. Ways of the world are strange. A woman has her own curses to face. Alas, you could realize it. If my mister knows our affairs here, can you imagine what he will do? He will kill me, as well as you”.

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     Groups of people had scattered on way to temple in between they had the day-meal one after the another in the restaurant. Me too with my own group moved towards the temple-campus looking here and there the roadside shops, building structures, the hill sights and the crowd that attracted the attention. We had been told that one has to walk through the mile long queue and wait for hours there until the temple was thrown open for the holy visitors.
     After some ten minutes of walk we reached to the huge building, where we were told to stay until the queue was formed. The way-keepers searched our belongings in security. My  pouch, which contained tobacco was snatched out from me. There were number of large waiting halls with long  corridors outside. We passed through a few of them peeping through outside the  huge grill gates, only to find that all were full of pilgrims waiting for the glimpse of Balaji Bhagwan . We were asked to proceed to hall number seven. The resident- devotee servants of the temple protected all the halls.
The grill- gates were closed and locked from outside, so that the influx of the pilgrims that followed may not enter the halls crowed to  their maximum capacity. We were trying to search in them among-st  the crowd, the passengers of our tourist bus so that we were not left alone in the trip. While in perplex ion, we peeped through the crowed in one of such hall gates, I saw a pair of hands waving for us perhaps. It drew my attention at once to move and meet my eyes with the eyes of the Bharatnatyam lady, who was addressing by words, gestures and the waiving hands. I said to my friend ,‘ Look ,some of our people are here. Let us enter too’.  For a while he thought , then nodded. We had to request the hall keeper to let us in. He said,‘ You will be let in, but note that you cannot get out of the hall once you enter in.’ We both agreed. The large hall with multiple rows of seats was spacious enough to accommodate a few hundred pilgrims. It was the month of July and the atmosphere there was filled with a humid heat.
     The lady made the space nearby to accommodate us among the shabby crowd, that was there. I started chatting with her child in tit - bits asking his name and alike. While I tried to make communication with her child, the lady had her eyes at my face smilingly. Both of us knew that the child was a bridge between our silent communications.  Now and then I talked to her too in my language, which she didn't understand. She tried to communicate in similar manner in Tamil in response to my Hindi. It was strange that without knowing each other’s language, we understood by the gestures what other wanted to say. Perhaps there was nothing to say excepting the repeated beats of our hearts, which sang the song of fascination and love for each other. We felt and behaved elatedly in such familiarity , as if we knew each other since ever. All waited for the doors to open to form the queue for one, then two and then for three hours. Nothing appeared certain there. I could imagine the mile long queue after hours of waiting in the suffocating atmosphere of the hall. I talked to my friend. We were so tired of waiting that even the imagination of standing in long queue for hours further feared us. When I  told my decision to leave, the lady looked helplessly in to my eyes and suggested that it would be not long that the doors to queue were to open. She wanted me to stay more, but hopefulness that I sustained up to now, seemed to betray further. I looked in to her eyes and said what I had to say. She, turning her head, looked towards us till we reached the door- gate, from where we had entered. She was waiving her hand to goodbye us.
     The gateman, when we were requesting to open the grill gate -lock assured himself by asking us-“Just think, once you are out, you won’t be allowed to be in again.” We nodded to see us freed.

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     I very often thought if it was the frustration of the mind that drove me from hither to thither. The shadows of Unmayee’s memory always hung in my heart wherever I roamed to rescue. Our affairs took such a shape afterwards that   it could never be possible for us to decide whether we loved each other or was there hate, which made us excessively possessive ,envy, quarrelsome and susceptible to each other. Unmayee very often got annoyed with me for the reason that my casual visits to her home, my praise for her, my phone -calls to her disturbed her husband, who would sarcastically refer to me as her “Yaar”. Then there were the people - male and female colleague, who susceptively  watched our activities. I recall the robust beautiful masculine lady who warned Unmayee to stay away from me. She had instructed her, ‘Don’t you see, he is far above you in age and position’. She was  the same age as Unmayee was. She would detract Unmayee from me and sit comfortably by my side to chat freely with me. This lady always treated me as her friend, made jokes with me, will laugh loudly. Shy on certain occasions and laughing at moments ,she never missed to register her complaints throwing taunts at me. I can never forget the day, she appeared before me with another of her lady colleague, to ask abruptly- “ Today you have to tell us unhesitant  that who of us, will you prefer to choose as your favorite companion”. Prior to this, she had bounded me by the promise to not avoid the question she would ask. She had jumped with joy when I hesitantly replied that it could be she.
     Unmayee very often seemed abstained in mind and depressed to me. Although see didn't talk much about her affairs at home, I could realize always that she was tortured by her husband .He would remain quarrelsome and cruel during the day and to avenge his own heart, he will ride on his wife over the nights. Unmayee exhausted herself thus with the routine business of the house going on.  She presented herself to her duty at office with   her cheeks seemingly swollen- off, color of the face faded and steps shattered. Her mind always seemed  to be in perplexion and anxiety. Where and when and how she would react could never be predicted. It seemed that by and by she had decided to keep me off her. There were also the people eager to intrude in between us. Unmayee, I noted avoided talks with me, avoided looks at me. Her depression combined with my own sorrow made me more depressed and perplexed. In spite of this entire going on, we both realized what was going in within the each other hearts. Under such circumstances, many a time, I took decision to cut myself off from her, thinking that maintaining relations with her would not be possible ever for me.

     To detract me she used to express annoyance for me. She may not herself like me, may treat me with her torturing behavior, but she would dislike me throwing open myself to her counterparts who regarded me and enjoyed being with me. She too used to seek a few others now and then for her company to show that she didn't care for me. She will reply harshly, will get critical if I tried to please her. Her behavior, I felt had turned avoiding, rude and offending towards me. I could still not assess what could be going on in her mind when she treated me like this. Someone had imbibed in her mind the thought that I was not sincere to her. She was being convinced that it was not she really to who I loved,  that it was someone else I loved and favored. She was very sarcastic when  having been detracted from her behavior I sought the company of that other women, who co-operated with me and enjoyed my favor. At occasions there were the moments, when Unmayee and me could have isolated moments to sit and talk, but there too the complaints of being unfaithful and cruelty towards each other prevailed in our talks. Later on I knew that she had been trained systematically as to how she should avoid me and  what to do when we encountered each other. Further more I found that the person, who was behind her activities, had himself captured her heart and mind with his sympathies and favors for her. At certain rare moments of confidence she talked even of her dilemma with intentions of getting rid of this dubious new person. But no, I experienced later that such talks merely proved her pretensions. The person had been successful in sowing seeds of hatred, towards me in her heart. This to such extent that I had myself to decide that I shall keep me off from her sight till the hour she remains in the campus. Obviously my escape helped favorably the intruder’s strategic plan to carry him further. The seeds sown of fear, doubts, envy and disbelief grew so much between us that the possibilities of patch up became rare. The planner behind the screen was clever  enough to see that Unmayee and me do not get any opportunity  to look at or to converse with each other. His plans always ran ahead of our soothing and  patch up efforts. He perused her so much that she had no way to escape from him.
     The atmosphere around us got so filthy and conspiring that we had to say goodbye to each other finally. I can never forget the moment when once sitting together amongst the tempest, we realized with tears that forced by the circumstances both of us had made irreparable mistakes. Both of us were repentant and sad for what happened and what more in consequence was in offing. None of us could check it. How strange was it that in spite of being in envy, we had no malice in our repentant hearts. How painful was it that we could not talk with each other when we finally departed. Now I understand that it is fear of the crowd that governs our existence in so far and so much that we have to live and die without living in what we really could be.