My, how you've grown! (or have you?)

This competition is pretty straightforward.

Take the very first poem you published here on DUP and post it here with a re-write of the piece

You may revamp it in any way you like, BUT...
You will be judged on your amount of improvement in the revision and NOT by the actual poem
In my humble opinion, of course

One week
Inbox any questions to me

All members are welcome to enter

Please post only plain text..no colors or pictures because it is really tough on my eyes (sorry)

Have fun!

Eslareina, thank you for kicking this off! I won't be reading them until the comp ends

(OLD)

Home

My ears are ringing
my head is pounding
and everyone is screaming again
try to search for a way out
but there are only holes in these doors
and everyone is shouting again-screaming
hatred attacking us
us so blind
us so dead
in the house
I cant see
try to hide
everyone can hear our big secret

grab his arm and toss him away
scream and yell at her
kick at the walls
kick at the walls

and screams and screams and screams
try to find
a better way
taste the feeling of joy but there are only shouts comming out of this mouth
the putid taste of smoke and death
the taste of blood spread across this house

dead dirt in a box
dead blood in the heart
its all dead
no joy
no love
there is nothing but hatred entangled within this wood
the house rots with our screams

noone will ever win
noone can ever win
a fight with no reward
a fight for nothing
it's all pointless
try to escape to run
but

my ears are ringing again
my head is pounding again

and everyone is screaming
it never changes in this home

(NEW)

Home

Ears ringing
Head pounding...

Screaming again...

Trying,
Looking...


These doors, they are all broken.


Everyone is shouting.
Everyone is screaming.


Red faced, voice peaking.


Everyone can hear...

Our big secret.

Sickening grip,
a meaningless force...

Breaking everything,
breaking it all.

screaming,
mindlessly tossing out insults...


A small taste,
a simple smile.

All of these kind words
coming out of the same disgusting mouth.


A scent,
multiple...

In every room...
Everywhere.

Rotting wood..

Moved into a zip lock bag,
bones not done burning.



There is no way to win.

why are we fighting?

...again?

There is no reward to all of this,

we won't get our way through force.


...so why?

Why?

are we fighting?



...Ears ringing, head pounding...



we'll start over again today.

Unwanted


The careless lash of spite,
Calculated cruelty spoken.
This is of no consequence.
Although it is brittle and broken,
It is my pride, not my soul.


Original, posted on 2nd August 2012


---------------------------------------------------------


Rewrite, now:




Unwanted


Flicked from cruelty's wrist, his
careless lashes crack my numbness —  
cat o' nine knots welting spite,
perfidy, fury... It feazes, frays
to hair-strands which I brush off
along with shards of useless pride
when I remember who I am.

The old is explicit in nature, the link is  http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/125388-small-spaces/


The revised version:

The kiss

Blackweed silk spun tantalization
smother the molecules of hot desire
the unlawful gravitational glances
a prism, for insatiable appetite

Infallible domination in postulation
rendering un-ruefully, paving the way
a vicious hunter or an innocent prey
ploughing at rampant landscape

The walls of sanctity crumbles
threads of inhibitions come undone
spawning decadent of pulsations
inter-looping limbs of yin with yang

The red moon casts its shadow
sweeping in merciless wry notion
narcotizing and exuding the arcane
as the intangible tangles in illusion

An unwonted dominion bestowed
with black widow's warped sweet kiss
mosaically inlaid in dismal blasphemy
a nexus macabre, eternally sealed

These are great so far, thanks !

The rise of the Kingmaker (revised)


"A stark reality struck me some years ago [t'was the drugs
made me slow] and it was that we as human beings, whether we like it or not are part of one huge pyramid scheme. at the bottom you've children being born only to starve to death, and it all works its way up from there through every hell imaginable." -me
 
 
 
 
who'd have guessed the sheer speed of it all. then again, how fast do demon horses gallop when the barbed spurs of slow death
are jamming into their sides.
 
 
The KIngmaker
 
 
Those at the top despised us  
they lied, spied, and cried terrorist
and he, the darkest of the dark
sent the white horse  
and all along its trail  
the streets  
were filled with rotting corpses
with blisters around their mouths  
bursting with puss and bile  
 
then came the red horse  
for the ones who didn't succumb to disease  
they were forced into uniform
and sent to fight their brothers  
rape their sisters  
and slice their mothers from arse to neck
 
and the people, they followed blindly  
because the black horse had been too
and food was a commodity
payable only in some relatives blood  
 
then he, the darkest of the dark
rubbed his hands together
and sent the pale rider
a pro at Chinese whispers and deceit
 
in the end, there was nothing but rubble  
of the seven billion people a month beforehand  
there was thirty million left  
everyone of them were horribly broken  
 
and they worshiped the darkest of the dark
like their lives depended on it  
 
     
 
 
A challenge between myself and Princess Vee to revise the first poem we published, excellent idea thought of by mikkie moon  
 
original here  http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/16906-the-rise-of-the-kingmaker/  


sorry 'bout the late entry

Thank you all, - will have a winner announced by Thursday afternoon.

Wow your revision is amazing! (Self harm addiction)

These were all good entries, every single one shows growth in the writer. After much thought, I think erin showed the most improvement. Congrats to Erin and thank you ALL

I see it is ERIS , sorry for the wrong spelling before

Congratulations Eris