An Extreme Loss

I lay on my bed missing nothing..
All excitement of life has left me
Sleep is yet to show its face
And my eye lids won't close long enough to invite it..
I'm just wondering around in my head
Trying to remember a moment
Or a day, maybe a month
I lost something dear..
Can't find any..

(Finally, the thinking bulb in my head switch on..)
I remember a time I lost my wallet
Which contained all-important stuffs in its pockets(not money)
And I remember a day
Thieves(or mongers) did the job on me
They took away my wristwatch for its worth in money
Not knowing it was worth more than anything money(to me)..
Its sentimental value could only be exchanged with mountains(to me)..
A gift from a dead man
A memento I treasured,
Yet they took it as if it was nothing and left..
But I can't write about that
It didn't cause me anguish,
I shook my head 5 minutes after it happened,
Lamented and cursed
Before I moved on..

So I lay here on my bed
Thinking of friends and family instead;
How the number of friends I've got decreased yearly
And how I intentionally put a distance between myself and my family..
Minor issues(could be fixed)..
No big deal(I could make that happen)..
(That's a side note)

I haven't lost anything recently, you see..
So I lay here on my bed
Observing the body my soul is in..
My heart beating softly
My lungs working perfectly
My kidneys following suit(I hope)..
Complete as a human
Endowed as a man(lol)
Not missing anything..
But then again
It could be
That;
I've lost so many things in the past
I became extremely empty inside,
Surrounded by losses, betrayal and emptiness
So lucid and twisted
It forms hands with nails
Scratching on my skull
Destroying my thinking,
Creating a hollow in my head
Absorbing feelings from my heart
..That I happen to miss nothing..

It could be..
Who knows?

One More Minute...Please



Beep
    Beep
         Beep
Goes the machine that reminds me you are still alive

Whoosh
       Whoosh
               Whoosh
Goes the machine that pushes air into your lungs to make the machine go beep

We talked about this before
This is not what you want
To be alive without living

You asked if I could do it
I promised I would
I know what I have to do

I just need
one more minute...please

One more minute to tell you thank you

thank you for
saving me from her, from him, from them, from me
loving me unconditionally
forgiving me
             anything

One more minute to tell you I am so, so sorry

sorry for
hurting you
leaving you
betraying you
lying to you

One more minute to tell you, I still need you

need you for advice on
 the kids
 work
 friends
 life

One more minute to tell you the kids

made straight A's
made the team
got a trophy
made a difference somewhere

had their first dance
                  date
                  kiss
                  heart break

  graduated college
  got a degree
  a good job
  married
  kids

One more minute to tell you a lifetime of things that I will now never get to tell you.
One more minute to ask you everything I need to know about life.
One more minute to make right all of my wrongs to you.

One more minute to realize that
                                        I don't have one more minute...

Covered By Angels Wings




* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * * * * * * * *


Remember the time
you whispered to me
ever so loudly



***** "You're covered by Angels wings" *****



My protection
My light within my dark
You loved me proudly


My Dark fallen Angel
My Knight in chains
Taken by the catchup
of your hell


You went away
and the Angels fell silent
as the light flickered
blackness fell



Remember the dreams
you and I
the most breathtaking visions



***** "The rolling hills of Tuscany" *****



So much time has gone
No whispers come
Just brick wall collisions





Remember



***** "No time for regrets" *****






I know

It's safer this way.





Silence.
*
*
*
*
*

YOU TAUGHT ME

You taught me how not to smoke
Without breakfast,
the division from the bads ones, and the goods ones,
How to act slow, think fast,
That love is not a prison,
How to avoid the control of emotions,
That is not good the one that help you
Good is the one that does not bathers you,
That life was not about me only,
How easy it becomes when is us,
You did teach me all, after all.

That jealousy was annoying,  because
It shows how bad we were missing sex,
And it was half insecurity,
Not to doubt without reasoning,
That the world is full of hate and is not spinning it out,
That a doubt is more powerful than a reason,
That fearless depend on your mind freedom,
That money can’t buy love, but it gets You close,
That lawyers knows shit about love, and that love is
Inhibited in front of a judge. You did teach me all, after all.

How to be open and no so close,
How to smile, even if there’s not a joke,
You taught that hugging your waist
Everything becomes a party,
How to make art from a caress,
How your daddy is not the one that
Put the sperm, is the one that raise,
To forgive, and forget, even if it hurt,
How to share, how to be fair,
Un-speakable things in bed that is better
When You love, and is good for sleep,
Shit You taught me how to live,
You taught me how to love a woman,
And a good man to be.
You did teach me everything after all.

But you forgot a couple of things
Because of a matter of time,
How to stop this burning tears,
How to dry my face, without people
Seeing Me,
This heart feelings, that suffocate,
That makes me cry every time
Spark of memory of your self
Comes into my head,
You did teach me everything after all, Except;
How to live, in this world
without you.

Minimalism

Everybody goes
and fades and vanishes;
And I,
I grow in silence.

Because of Me

The guilt and regret won't leave my mind as I enter this church for you
All our memories keep swirling through my brain as I sit here on this wooden pew.
I can't bring myself to talk about you; when asked I say I have just one sister
For the pain I feel when I think of you burns within me like a thousand boiling blisters.
I wish I could still say I had two sisters, that I wasn't always the family's "baby"
If only I had been braver and stronger back then, maybe, just maybe,
You, baby sister, would still be here, and I never would've had to say goodbye
But instead I'm at your funeral, and I know it's my fault you're here...I'm the one who let you die.
As your small casket passes by, I can't stop the quivering sobs, or the stream of tears
And my mind forces me again and again to relive that day, like a never ending nightmare.
You were five at the time, and I had just turned eight
We'd been through many foster homes, some halfway decent, others not so great.
But this house was worse than the others; the people were crueler, the beatings more severe
I should've done something in the beginning, maybe begged our workers to take us far away from here.
Yet I did nothing, but instead tried to prepare you for the agonizing days to come
I told you to expect more empty stomachs, and beatings that would leave us numb.
For though I knew this house was worse, I thought we'd survive the same way
We'd listen to the yelling, endure the pain, and hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
Until the day came where our foster father decided to prove me oh so wrong
The day he beat you just a little too much, for just a little too long.
You had tried to take some food from the pantry, for the stomach pains were finally too much to bear
But you were caught by him, and he didn't listen to your pleading or begging, for he simply didn't care.
I thought it was just another beating, and so I stood waiting in the shadows in the hall
I didn't want to make it worse, or get beat myself, so I watched even as he threw you against the wall.
Over and over he beat you with with his fists, and with his belt
And still I waited, praying he'd stop soon, so I could attend to your bruises and your welts.
But he was not himself, but high off of one of the many drugs he had in his secret room
And as the minutes dragged by, I began to feel overwhelmed by a sense of doom.
When his hand reached for the wooden bat his son used for baseball, my heart stopped
I screamed at him, but still watched helplessly as the bat quickly dropped.
I can still hear it in my ears, the crack of the bat as it smashed against your head
I can still see it with my eyes, the sight of your blood splattering against the wall, painting it dark red.
As others saw what had happened and dragged him away, I ran to you, but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't wake you up, and finally had to admit, that my little sister had just died.
And so here I am, weeks later, staring at your lifeless body, wishing that I could once again see those beautiful blue eyes
Unable to block out all the sorrow and pain, while wondering over and over why.
Why did I do nothing to save you, why did I give in to my fear
This regret is something I know I'll have to live with for the many upcoming years.
With tear filled eyes and a broken heart, I tell you I'm sorry, give you one last kiss, and slowly walk away
Praying that perhaps I'll be forgiven, so that I may see you again in Heaven one day.

These Tears

November 25th 2006 ·

No matter the years that pass, the tears they never fade,

for on this day I lost A part of me I wish never had to go away.

You're my precious child, my baby boy, A love that cannot be compared.

These tears I cry for you my son are filled with love and pain, a longing to hold you near.

All though I know your with me as I can feel you from
day to day, I try not to be selfish and angry that you
had to go away.

For now in heaven you abide with The Father and The Son.



                                                                          ~Momma~

I love you my precious Angel JDCM XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

~Joshua My Son~


Joshua my son, as your birthday draws closer each year,
even knowing your not here, I want to plan a
party with hopes that you will appear, to laugh,
dance, sing, jump and cheer.

I want to see your bright smile and hear your
glorious cries in hopes of drying your beautiful eyes.



You are in my heart, soul and mind as each
day starts and ends. I think of all of the
wonderful things that were to begin, feelings
you created while growing inside of me that I
will never feel again.



As you were born, all I could cry were tears
of pure pain, with the knowledge I would never
be able hold, kiss and caress you or ever tuck
you in at night again.



Joshua, My Son you will forever be in my heart
and soul I promise to never let you go.

Your birthday was your first and last day here
with me.
I will always love and miss you so dearly, with
each rising and setting of the sun i`m waiting
for my eternity with God and You to come.
I Love You Joshua My Son~!

Flowers (if allowed to post another entry)

As if I've never developed
the ability to speak
I stutter. I stuttered,
upon seeing your pretty
face covered up with
crimson flowers.

Echoes

I bleed with you now  
I bleed with the lost things
With the memories of a lost boy  

Should fate ever reach us  
It shall be in the deepest layers of hell  
Where we belong
Where you promised we’d meet
After you kissed the air goodbye
With a silent ciao to the daylight

Long nights spent in philosophy  
Have now become echoes  
Of better times
The best times!
Of our short meaningless lives

Where you showed me the way to myself
And I learnt to laugh in the darkness

Loss

There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams
Of what was lost as it grew; loved in the warmth of a womb
Now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument
To the loss of life, hope; of a chance at motherhood

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer?
To justify death, the hollow void within me that could not carry on
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever
Where I’d rather be, than here, alive, without them to love.

Gone

If prayers were flowers
I would plant them
on your unmarked grave
If tears were smiles
You would have laughter
for centuries
If love was golden coins
You would be buried in them
My unborn son Jeremy
I miss you.

Missing Mama's Love

I'll give anything to bring you back from the dead
Memories of you loving me resides in my head
Also in my heart your spirit's in my veins
I reminisce on the good times to combat all the pain
I felt when you passed away into another realm
Your presence wasn't tangible my heart was overwhelmed
How could I go on? Is the question I would ask
Living life without you is no simple task
Two decades of love taken away in an instant
Instilled your love within me from the days I was an infant
That very same love still resonates in my soul
Missing you comes naturally it's out of my control
You gave me comfort even when I gave you hell
You just wanted what's best for me and for me to excel
Its been over four years and I still continue to dwell
On the day that you died it isn't hard to tell
A single black female taught me how to be a man
Or rather how to treat a woman to help me understand
About the opposite sex and how they should be treated
Never wanted for anything you gave me everything I needed
I look for a lover who shares all your qualities
Compassionate, nurturing, skin of mahogany
Wisdom, understanding, beautiful, free
Have the same exact love that you've had for me
I know it's impossible my standard's too high
I look up to the sky then I breakdown and cry
Because I'll never find a love that's equivalent to yours
I've looked past horizons, borderlines, and shores
But you're my first love you can't be replaced
The moments we've shared will never be erased
I love you Mama R.I.P.

Yes, you may post as many entries as you like....