deepundergroundpoetry.com
Blinded. I love you.
Within my head,
I see you there,
your beady eyes,
and their blank stare.
My misplaced trust,
my ample fear,
your putrid words,
ring oh, so clear.
If not for you,
I would be lost,
lost in thought,
amongst the rot.
In all my days,
I haven't found
a man like you,
so tightly wound.
Without my soul,
I am just fine,
being blinded,
has been sublime.
I see you there,
your beady eyes,
and their blank stare.
My misplaced trust,
my ample fear,
your putrid words,
ring oh, so clear.
If not for you,
I would be lost,
lost in thought,
amongst the rot.
In all my days,
I haven't found
a man like you,
so tightly wound.
Without my soul,
I am just fine,
being blinded,
has been sublime.
Published 24th Aug 2010
| Edited 1st Sep 2010
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 12
reads 907
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Aug 2010 6:54am
Please tell me what you think, all comments are appreciated. Thanks for reading, enjoy! :)
Anonymous
24th Aug 2010 9:37am
The rhythm works well, though I'd suggest removing the first and third commas from each stanza excluding the second, where I'd recommend keeping the first. Does that make sense? Also, in the second from last stanza, replace "within" with "throughout."
24th Aug 2010 10:35am
First of all, thank you for commenting. Second of all, I do agree with what you are saying, I haven't quite gone through it with a fine-tooth comb yet, so it is in need of editing. By the way I love your poems. :)
24th Aug 2010 10:36am
24th Aug 2010 4:18pm
even i dont like poems with rhyme...
because i am crazy one... (its my fault)
i like it... the meaning is pure and and brings sadness even speaks for protection
i like it!!
even jack make about a fuss about comas i thing they bring the depression this poem need !!
24th Aug 2010 4:52pm
Anonymous
24th Aug 2010 5:23pm
Oh yes I do like it, don't get me wrong. I like the passion in your work.
24th Aug 2010 5:27pm
27th Aug 2010 3:30pm
27th Aug 2010 3:56pm
Thanks so much for your kind words. :) I cherish all of my lovely comments, but yours was beyond nice. Please, dont hesitate to read the rest of my work, I hope you find them as good as you hope! :)
Anonymous
29th Aug 2010 6:55am
<< post removed >>
29th Aug 2010 6:57am
Who likes them? Lol, thanks for reading and commenting. Please, dont hesitate to read my other poems. "Rape Me" isn't as good as my recent work but hey, practice make perfect! Thanks again! :)
