Lighter,  for a change

Lighter for a change,
My disposition is betraying me
Making me a fool
Pleasantly mocking my judgement  
 
This is happiness
 
A suiting word.
For a coward like me.
 
If there was a warm honeyed thought
reverberating with kindness
that would be me
 
Who would have ever thought?
 
Following the passage to the ocean
I'm contented with possibilities
Satisfaction a step away
 
Did you know that you could find
the moon in the sea?
I heard that lyrically uttered,
Hit me, made curiosity flow.
 
For I am gleeful, joyous,
I won't hold this in skepticism
I'll free my mind to explore
 
For there is not a darkening malice
Clouding in my mind
A change from me, I know,
How confusing
How uplifting to my mood
 
Back to the moon.  
 
If the moon is in the sea,
Then I'd like to find it.
Good-natured that I am
With brimming content
 
I think that in that event
nothing can go wrong,
I will step into the cold waters.
 
How refreshing as the caressing undertow
pulls me in for an embrace.
 
It is all good to me because,
for once I am happy,
which makes me immortal
In a sense?
 
I'd like to think so.
 
The sky becomes a distant memory  
the current sweeping me away
It's ok
 
I want to find the moon,  
though lack of oxygen
could affect me
 
if I believed in such dark consequences
 
For now I think I'll just see  
where this leads.
 
As my mind becomes
lighter for a change,  
light headed?
I see bursting sparks.
 
These should be stars, they're beautiful
as stars should be.
 
I want to see the moon
At the bottom of the aphotic zone,
surely it would be hidden
 
Where light cannot penetrate?
 
Well I'll make it there,  
for I see the stars,  
and I'm sinking,  
Down to the abyss
 
Sinking in regards to myself.
I realize I cannot breathe
This would be alarming,
If it wasn't such an intriguing thought
 
To embrace outer space  
in the comforts of your own bottomless pit
 
I always wanted to be an astronaut
 
Now I'm living the dream
 
How lucky am I?
 
My lungs are searing
My thoughts blurring
But if only I ride the current deeper
 
I'm not often this careless
It feels good
To cast aside my hardened shell
In search of gratification
In the wanderings of my psyche
 
I'm so glad that I decided to let go,  
To embrace bliss
 
To allow myself that one glimpse  
Of something that could truly
Render me obsolete
 
It will be all right
For even a 1000 feet of water
weighing down on me
 
stealing my breath
cracking my lungs
freezing my blood
 
Couldn't kill me
could it?
 
not in this new found cheerfulness
Nothing could go this wrong
As to die under the waves
 
Searching for the moon
 
At least let me see it once
Before I succumb
 
There's so much pressure
Constricting me
 
Just let me see it
Just once.
 
I want to say I discovered something
Something astonishing
The universe unfolding around me
 
But I can't
I just can't...
 
comprehend
 
There's no pattern
no process
 
Only cold
bitter, treacherous realization
 
How could I have been so stupid?
To allow myself contentment?
 
To believe that it could exist?
 
If there is a moon in the sea
It has lead me astray,
Condemning me
 
Punishing me as it tightens it's grip
For having hope
 
It wrenches from my lungs
The last feeble breath I had left
Simultaneously crushing me  
Without remorse.
 
Blackness settles in,
My heart struggles, in denial  
The sun is too far away
 
Too much water overhead to rise
Out of this grave.
 
This is the most painful thing I've ever felt
Betrayed by the moon
I close my eyes,
 
I never saw anyway, no point now
 
I know the end is coming
I can feel the damnation spreading
Drowning...
 
dying...
 
gone
 
All is gone