Maybe you had to die for me to live

 

Sometimes I worry
  that I don’t really miss you as I should.
My daily life was never good
  at making space and time for you
   (perhaps an unintended legacy
      of the independence you encouraged?)

Now that you’re gone from this space and time
  the guilt of that failure
    has mostly gone with you.
No “when will I see you next?”
  or long conversations
    at inconvenient times
   (oh, how selfish that sounds!)

And though I say I feel grief
  what’s often stronger is relief
that I don’t need to filter
  for your comfort
or strive to do things
  that would make you notice.

And yes - there’s guilt in admitting that.

But
  this is not a rejection --
    simply a stepping into the light.
And now it’s my space and my time
  to feel the warmth of your spirit
    without the coolness
      of your shadow.


.