Social Anxiety

 
I wasn’t made for crowds
I realize tonight  
I’m in a bar  
With open scars
And fear that grips me tight
 
The lively vibe should ease my mind
Should talk and interact  
Instead I’m stuck inside my head
And don’t know how to act
 
Topics randomly pop up
Each person makes their comment  
The urge to speak takes over
Followed by the urge to vomit
 
I look around the table
And I smile and I nod
I start to feel I don’t fit in
And now the urge to sob
 
I blink away the tears that come
Anxiety arrives
I hope that no one notices  
The trembling inside  
 
I grab my drink with shaky hands
To drown in alcohol  
I hope I gain the courage  
Still discouraged  
Feel so small
 
Another round gets ordered
I’m not finished with the first  
My throat it tightens suddenly  
The tears about to burst
 
I grab my purse, excuse myself  
Then hide out in the stall
Send texts out to my sister  
And ask for her to call
 
The cell phone rings
I walk outside  
Light up a cigarette  
She helps to calm me down a bit
She knows just how I get
 
I go back in
The crowd they sing
The bar it comes alive
I sit next to the love of mine
Heart racing, lost in time
 
I go back to another place
Where fear and pain reside
I shoot the shot they just served me
He asks
“I’m fine”
I lied
 
I wish the ground would open up
And swallow me up whole
I torture myself sitting here
And no one really knows
 
I never was like this before
This phobia just born
Remember why I don’t go out
Prefer to sit at home
 
My mind tells me I’m stupid
Don’t talk nobody cares
The voices taunt me so I drink
And wallow in despair  
 
He notices uneasiness  
He notices my silence
He notices I’m drinking fast
This moment not my finest
 
The monster that is within me
It starts to show its face
My eyes they droop
My words are slurred
I’m in my happy place
 
I don’t know what they’re speaking of
I’ve left and just checked out
I order a tequila shot
Then another, then pass out
 
I’m carried out to the backseat  
And hear them start to laugh
The tears break free
And finally  
The night ends just like that