For My Kids and the souls I let down

 
I can't sleep tonight
I'm having flashbacks
seeing beings I let down in one way or another
tears streak down my face knowing I failed them

I've spent most of my life disconnected
not fully there
I neglected my kids
failed them utterly
it hurts in a way I can't fathom
I can barely touch the pain of it
it seizes my heart with such sorrow

I was a very young mother
and didn't know what I was doing
it seems I let everyone down
my beloved fur babies as well
failed to protect them from themself

I pray for forgiveness
I pray they forgive me
my kids are grown now
my daughter is very close to me
she looks at me with big soulful eyes
she wants my approval
I'm so proud of her for overcoming so many obstacles

I love her

I beg she not be taken from me early
I haven't appreciated her enough
my heart aches these are things I never talk about

a heavy feeling presses on me
I can't rectify my disconnect
why my child is more grown than I am
she looks to me for answers I give the best I can offer

she doesn't know she's my rock
she centers my world
I don't tell her enough how special she is to me

I let go of life a long time ago
and the people in it
it hurts to know I need
and can lose again if I don't appreciate
that it is grace who gave her to me
and our time is brief no matter the circumstances

I need to embrace each moment like it's the last
I don't want to let any more souls down
it's killing me down deep
for the spirits I hurt
may god have mercy on me
and fill in where I lack

my child has great faith
even if I don't