Of queens and pawns

a real sad confrssion here
really grabs my heart

you know that brick swinging inside my chest

Yeah yeah... That must be the clanging sound I keep hearing!!.. *smirk  

Thank you for partaking in this sad little jaunt. I'm far past this, I like to believe...Just felt it deserved it's rightful purge.  

Much obliged for the generous list add, Colin.
You're a welcomed sight tonight.

🌹💙-B

Bless you my heart reaches across the void to hold you close
Sad, heartfelt read
Love and light
Ron xx

Thanks for the squeeze, Ron


I feel that warmth.
🌹💙

🌼💙

I hope it's wildflowers... ;)

Thank you, J
I deeply appreciate you being here.
🌹💙

Always wild flowers  🌼

This my dear is exceptional..what I call raw n relentless..we can not cower from truths ample artillery..like I was telling my kids.. Iall I ever wanted was to do better by you then my parents did.  Kind of fucked that up for a stint, however life ebbs, flows and kicks you dead ass. I did give my kids one town to grow up in (a few houses, now a home) I was between 200 miles in the reg..as dysfunctional as it became their parents loved one another and together until part..which is fucked in its own..but getting back to point...we must account assimilate and discern before letting go or doomed the path not yet traveled...you invigorated my soul with your honest artistry on human condition...judging from this you are better by it, refined never defined...my pleasure to ingest

There's so much emotional space and heartfelt truths here. I am truly glad you found something within my poem that you could relate to in a bit of a shared understanding...

It means a lot to me that you've taken the time to leave those thoughts, I can't thank you enough.  

🌹💙-B

Thank you for sharing that glimpse into your uncertain scary world as a small child.  That little girl is all grown up now sharing her gorgeous creative talent with the world.
I was lucky to have a happy childhood, and I loved the queen and pawn reference, as my dad was a master at chess and taught me to play.
Your vulnerability is beautiful. You always inspire me, always. ❤️

You're a beautiful light.. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and the time you give me to cloud up your thoughts a bit.... I appreciate you so much, dear lady...

Much love,
🌹💙

Powerful... personal write... thanks for sharing B...

Thanks for the visit and taking the time to read, LilD. I'm grateful for that and your generous list add.

🌹💙 💙

Dear BV,

Ooooooooohhhhhhh…reflections of being raised by people aka parents…they’re a strange and intricate bit of business. No further comment. But! The poem is so real, so alive it was as though we were sharing the same throw up bag. The warmth of the soft inner flannel sleeping bag…lottery win.
Reflective pain, you nailed it. Amazing piece. H🌷

I'll never understand my parents dynamic, be it obligation or just the times being what they were then, to this day, I don't know. Some would say that I was lucky that they stayed together, I am from the camp who's mindset is of the thinking that it would have been better for the children had they not. Yet, who knows! The grass is always greener, eh? What's done is done and what really matters is the here and now... after therapy. 👍🏻
Thank you for sharing your wonderful feedback, your awesomely generous list add and for seeing that beauty isn't always rainbows and lollipops. - xo  


Love ya, lady.
I'll be swinging by soon, I'm sure.

🌹💙

There's more pain and suffering out there than we all can imagine. I know I'm definitely no unique snowflake when it comes to that... not even slightly. This was one aspect of a family's fucked up dynamic and how one of those children involved sees it from the safety of time gone by and of therapy received.

Thanks for seeing the value of writing out ones various formative aches and pains. I'm sorry for how your childhood experiences may have impacted you. No kid deserves that, my friend.

Here's to understanding that our pasts' will always be a part of us but are never what define.

Much obliged for the kind list add and your open nature.
It means a lot

🌹💙

Beautiful reflection, Blue. The details make the scene so relatable.
I wish I had grasped my parents' human-ness a little sooner... I agree that just about everyone carries some degree of childhood scars, and the best we can do is recognize how they drive us to behave & react, and hold a little grace for other people who are simply doing the same. We're all just bumbling through here together... I appreciate people who are doing the work to understand themselves and others.
❤️k

Sometimes it takes years to finally come to a place of even the smallest understanding of other's negative actions towards you, even more so when it's a parent.  
 
I turned 50 in February and after having had therapy and various counseling on and off during my adult years, I worked on something new and novel. It's really only been relatively recent that this light bulb of awareness has flipped on, while I've slowly become my mother's caretaker more and more as she's aged, maybe around the last two years or so. I've been learning how to become better equipped mentally, allowing myself to try to see how my parents are only people and how were all totally fallible. I may not ever forget or really even forgive in a traditional sense but I won't drag that toxic past and it's pain around behind me anymore, either. I've put it in it's place where it no longer can be this albatross, whatsoever. I see and feel the huge difference between that old version of my mindset and the current and I'm unimaginably grateful to have had the opportunity to 'right that ship' within myself, so to speak. Something that wasn't easy but oh so necessary.... while I still had a chance of doing so, with her here.  
 
I'm truly appreciative of you taking the time to leave me your thoughts on this one, it really did mean so very much to me, k.... Sincerely.  
 
Much love and appreciation,  
🌹B

We were five kids.  Five boys.  We always had all the basic needs covered.  Saw my mother cry only once.  In a way I am the one who failed them sadly never meeting whatever expectations they had for me.     PS:  I love they way you are hanging in there, sweets.  Kisses, Robert.

There's a lot to be said for being here, period. Taking life day by day... so don't sell yourself too short!

Thanks for the lovely share and insights. I'm heartened that you stopped in to read and that you see what you have.

It's kind of you to say, Robert

All my warmest,
🌹💙
B

Hi,
I really like the way this poem takes you on a journey. The description takes you along a road. I have similar memories. Long journeys to unknown destinations away from places of safety. although the U.S.A is huge compared to the UK. I can relate to your words.
Regards
James

Hey, you :)

Thank you for seeing this from your place of kinship and mutual understanding. It really does mean the world to have you pop in to leave your thoughts and feelings with me. I guess it helps me to calibrate.... Regardless, I adore seeing you for whatever reason you see fit... lol.

I appreciate you sharing with me tonight, I'm so full of gratitude and feel lucky you have.

🌹💙
B

Essentially having been put in a similar situation pre and post divorce, my children were my life and unabashedly used as blackmail until they were old enough to speak up ... The heart torn from my chest is a good analogy ... you obviously touched a couple nerves ... Bless and love ...

I can't even begin to imagine being so brutalized, my dearest FeNyX.

Just fucking ouch! I'm so happy for you now that at least you're past that stage and you and your family can get on with the healing.

My parents stayed together; whether or not that was the right decision, I tell you, I've struggled with that notion and oh the pondering!...I hope it's a case of the grass is always greener...  

Thanks for taking the time, I've missed you here, A.  
Lots and lots!  
 - Take care of yourself -  


Hugs and more hugs—🤗
🌹💙

Now working at the elementary school level, I am constantly thinking about conflict deescalation. Trying to show show kiddos that in any engagement they have a role and therefore choices. Then I look at the older people and realize they to need to be reminded of this. I am also very aware that for many giving advice is easier than taking it.

That's definitely a novel and rewarding teaching tool to offer to kids nowadays. One that I wish was employed in the 80s.. lol.

You do good work there, my friend. Keep it up. I'm so glad you stopped by to take a read and leave me that information, it does my heart wonders.

Much love sent your way, Jazz
🌹 💙
B

I'm sorry this happened to you. But you are a great brave person for sharing.   We learn from our mistakes and we try to move forward.  Keep on writing you strong beautiful smart sexy woman.  I'm here if you need to talk to someone.

No sorrow needed, Francisco, but thanks nonetheless. This is ancient history and something that I have tried for awhile to reconcile and put in it's proper place and I think I've done that. Loads of other folks have sadly experienced far worse in their childhoods, I feel for us all, yet given that, I believe we can relate to the notion that trauma solidifies somewhere deep inside, which eventually needs to be cut out. I hope any other brothers and sisters 'in arms' come to that same realization at some point in their lives... healing the scar tissue once and for all.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words.

You're appreciated
🌹B

You truly welcome you strong beautiful smart sexy woman.

I really appreciate the deep dive you've taken here and how everyone is feeling that resonance and sharing their own stories. Its a gift to give of yourself with honest vulnerability.

Hey, Daniel.  
Thanks for the generous list add and for appreciating what I tried to put out into the universe with this one. I cannot help but be blown away myself and super grateful that it's impact spurred others to be as open as they've been...That reaction has taught me a lot.  
 
   
Be well and be safe out there!    
Much love and warmest wishes  
🌹💙

If only our childhood forts were more sturdy, and impenetrable.  

This is incredible, Susan.  The details close in around the reader, making them as claustrophobic as being in that station wagon.  
It doesn't matter, right now, if I or anyone can relate to this epic story.  It's your moment, to explain a "why" within you.  It doesn't seek pity. Yet it achieves respect to who you've accomplished to become.  
The author's note adds more impact, obviously.  But the write itself is a shooting star, rising.

Outstanding.

Much obliged for the kindness of your takeaway, Mark.

You see a lot of me and my intent; I've always enjoyed that kinship. I am humbled by your thoughtfulness and the way your wheels turn. Your feedback is not ever taken for granted and I'm wholly thankful for you being you..

Refreshing and real.

🌹💙

I can’t do much other than echo everyone else.

Your shit was real, your feelings are worth validation, your pain is the extent of your ability to bear it. And you have done so.

Bra-fucking-vo!  

Existing in the tattered skin left from our youth and still calling it beautiful … that’s the only thing that lasts.

Stay beautiful

I appreciate you, your honesty and feel extremely fortunate to get your feedback. I have dreamt of having conversations with you and yes, I have loved the idea of picking your brain.  

My ink is how I try to process my own truth, so I'm embarrassed and apologetic if I came across in even a small way as comparative when it comes to our individual experiences with processing painful emotions. Because that was not my intent.. not at all. I only ever hope to be me, and hopefully that means being compassionate and empathic, which is where part of me was coming from.  

Glad you brought it to my attention... I was completely unaware...  

-💙 -  


Thank you for being here, Betty.  
It really does make me take stock and it keeps that butterfly excited feeling, fluttering..

Oh, sweets, I didn’t mean it in a negative way. I just really think it’s lovely that everyone expressed pain differently but it’s universally understood. Your pain is valid, and brutal, and lovely.

I’ll clean up my reply to seem less abrasive. 😊

I really like your write.   Very nice work

Bat

Thank you for stopping by, Bat

It's always nice to see new faces.
Glad you found something here that you enjoyed.


Be well and be safe out there
🌹 💙

A grandly evoked journey through the emotional bondage of your mother. This is so incredibly heartbreaking yet your author's note speaks of your open heart to those who offer unconditional love. Your poem held me in suspense as the scenes roared by in a tornado of hurt. And it took strength to see your father as in part responsible for not living up to the parent he should of and protecting you all from Mom. Indeed my father was exactly the same. Mom wreaked havoc on our little hearts and he watched passively as the drama unfolded. You are brave and honest to write this. This is high art in its poetics but also in its honesty. And yes we do need to move on at some point. Your point is taken strongly and like the best advice anyone could give for those from troubled childhoods.

Much love Xo,
John

My darling friend,
Your innate goodness and kind soul shine so beautifully bright within these incredibly kind and insightful comments.. I adore you and love how you can see what you do. Thank you for being here with me... it really makes my heart full.

*For me, I don't think it's too unusual to find myself reflecting back upon my youth when reaching middle age, in fact it's probably expected! It's easy to become wrapped up in the pain and hurt when looking back but hindsight luckily has me remember that there was fondness there, too. My dad did the best he could while trying his hardest to provide for his family, which meant working most of the time. I didn't understand or come to that realization until I was a an adult and put two and two together. We're all partially products of our upbringing, I believe it's how we decide to live and love while traveling our own paths, is all that really matters.

You always bring me such motivation and warmth...what a joy that is! Thanks again, John.

I'll be by your page soon-💙
🌹-Susan

Your vivid and detailed description of the journey reminded me of the (emotionally very long) journey when I was dropped off at boarding school at the age of 8. I'm convinced parents do their best even if we struggle to accept that in retrospective; am saying that as a parent who got divorced, and now my children have their own children doors of 'normalcy' have opened. Still, the thing is to heal and move on, and unconditional acceptance seems the most powerful way. It requires a long breath. Looks too like your honest, open and therapeutic approach has paid dividends. Best regards, Josh.

Hi, Josh

I deeply appreciate you leaving me with the knowledge of your own insightful and emotional life experiences. I feel for that little 8 year old boy you were and can definitely relate. You're absolutely right when you say it's mostly about healing and moving on. To be healthy and prosperous in adulthood, for me it's also about letting those scars from the past not define but remain as a reminder. It's struggle sometimes to make sure that empathy and compassion are my go to tools and to try to not be jaded. I also understand that a strong underlying sense of common sense as to how the world does revolve and human nature itself, is imperative as well. Striking the balance, is key.

Thank you for being here with me, the generous list add and for sharing your thoughts.... it really made me think and consider, which I adore.

All my warmest regards,
🌹💙
B

Wow, that's hard to hear, nice to read, but very hard to hear. Bless you.

Hey there, Pete... nice to meet you.

Sometimes letting out the pain so it can live outside of yourself, is a much needed catharsis.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me, it's deeply appreciated.

🌹💙

Speaking only for myself, I have chosen not to get over such events in my life, but rather to embrace said events as part of my gestalt and use it to grow psychologically,
emotionally and intellectually (my shadow self as Jung would say).
Excellent confessional write, Blue.

hugs,
buddhakitty.

So very sorry I missed these comments, bk.
I think what you've described another way of dealing with the pain that might work for someone who is stronger emotionally than I am. I hope to gather my strength and lessen my emotional weaknesses enough to take all that experience and let it fuel me as opposed to just putting it away in a place that's no longer hanging over me. A work in progress, I am... always.

Thank you for sharing yourself and your courage with me. I value it more than you know.

Love your way, dear bk
🌹 💙 💙
-B

Had to remind myself to breath reading your poem...
Brilliant and eloquent as always.

Regards,
BITS

Thanks for the visit and your kind words, BITS. It really means a lot to me, sorry for the delay in reply. Life has a way of keeping me far too busy.

Much love and appreciation, my friend
Hope things are going well across the pond ✨
🌹-B

You certainly can write to evoke the reader to feel deeply. Amazing. Words are so powerful.

I'm so very appreciative you think so and even more so that you've taken the time to leave me this extremely gracious feedback.

All my warmest regards,
🌹-B

I am devastated. I will be back once I process this.

I love you Susan♥️
Always your sister
Jackie ♥️

Back @ ya, Jackie.

Thank you for being here with me.
🌹💙 - xo

Wow, I mean and I thought Trinity had it rough.
Reading this the way you put it here, I mean phew, you really show us the eyes of children, innocent children. You and yours—

I think what is so relatable for me is the times my dad would throw us in the backseat and drag us all to the race track and me my brother and my mother would play hangman on pen and paper for hours until my dad came out after losing all his money. Not even so much as a pack of crackers or anything to drink, just nothing we just sat in the car. It was horrible.

your literature here just really brought me there. You really are quite the writer. There  isn’t enough adjectives to describe how amazingly talented you are. I’m sorry you had to live through this and even today, on some level, the constant reminder while in the situation you are in as caregiver. We are allowed to choose our self first. Tho most of us never do. Just sayin’ no judgment here. If you let the professionals, take care of her and you finally move on with your life an begin to live out your dream, you deserve it Susan, like you really truly do.
Love you and your Pen ♥️♥️♥️💋🌹

Amazing thought-provoking piece you express here..
with love always
Your oldest sister
Jackie xoxox♥️

Dang, Jackie!
So so sorry I missed these comments. I've been hanging on by my fingernails, where daily life is concerned!

Yeah, I think most of us unfortunately have a sad story somewhere to tell, when it comes to our childhoods. Those who were raised uber happy and healthy make me hopeful that there's a path forward for us all to readjust our 'fates' that often seem to be predestined to include pain.

I'm beyond grateful that you found yourself in the moment with me, for this piece. That truly is a compliment of the highest order and one I take great pride and sincere appreciation of... You're the best, for returning and really leaving me with such awesome and deeply in depth feedback.

I still find myself in the roll of caregiver for now, but know your words weren't lost on me. I won't put my own sanity and well being in jeopardy, in the end. I know eventually I won't be able to offer the kind of full time care that's needed... Until then, I do what I can.

Thank you, my beautiful sister.
It means so much to me that you've shared all that you have. What a wonderful giving soul you are. I feel your good will and warmth from here!!

Again, my bad for missing your comments... It was not intentional!!

Loads of love and adoration!
🌹💙 💙 💙
-S

♥️ 💙 🩵

Amazing write Blue. The psychological damage some parents put on their kids have a life long impact. I guess some folks in those days didn't realize the emotional wounds can go deep which becomes even more relatable to our own faults. It's tough write as well. It must've been scary not understanding what the adults were doing, their arguments and fights, the insecurity, the unknowns. I guess the station wagon also works as a metaphor as the car rides down that long road.

Your thoughts are spot on, Walter.... There's enough distance and time worked on myself now, to view this all from a much better place than what I used to, so it's become more of an accepted part of what now makes me, me. Not that I enjoy it, looking back specifically at these events, but I'm more educated as to the ins and outs of my parents own mindsets and their intimate relationship. I can heal and move on, forgiving is not as simple but I try my best to be 'forgiving adjacent' if that makes sense at all... lol.

Thank you for sharing your always incredibly well conveyed feedback, I'm enormously grateful for it... and you.

Hope things are going well with you and yours
🌹 💙 - B