deepundergroundpoetry.com
When You're Small
(Wait until the sun goes down. Go out to the back porch. Light the lantern.
Light a cigarette. Take a deep drag. Exhale slowly. And then write.)
______________________________________________________________________
"When You're Small"
When you're small,
there's no right or wrong
just yet.
Morality will come
when it's explained to you
someday. Maybe in therapy.
For now, there's only pain
and no pain.
You learn that light is bad
and dark is good.
Because hiding is easier then.
Because you're small.
When you're small,
you learn to lightly shatter
the lightbulb overhead
in your room.
So that it's dark.
And so that the pieces fall
directly underneath.
Hoping they will cut their feet
when they come.
And after, maybe they'll change it.
You wait, wearing your shoes
even in your pajamas.
Maybe run, while they cuss
and bleed. It's evidence
that they were in here.
During the wrong hours.
Someone will believe you.
This time, you just know it.
Words aren't proof.
Blood is proof.
When you're small,
you don't want to go swimming
with the other kids.
No matter how hot it is.
Because you feel cold,
standing only in
your swimming suit.
Too much skin, exposed.
You can't cover everything
with your hands.
Someone will see something.
Think something.
Know something.
Maybe say you're guilty, too.
Even though you're so young.
But so far, all you've done really
is be born.
Hoping your legs grow,
so that you can run.
But so far,
they still reach for you,
grab you, without leaving their seat.
When you're small
they take your underwear
out to the burn barrel.
It's evidence
against them.
Maybe burn their own
if they had to hurry
earlier.
And soon, you're left to explain
why you ran out of underclothes.
Just say a mess was made with them.
It was an accident.
You take the blame,
on your own.
So you go without.
And when the one
with the big feet comes,
(You try to never look up)
they're really mad.
This time, it's really
going to hurt.
No more coaxing
like the times before.
Maybe you black out,
even though you're awake.
Maybe you understand
one transgression of theirs
at a time.
Of course you don't.
So far, all you've done
is be born.
When you're small,
you find things of theirs
and sneak them
to the burn barrel.
Their keys, their money.
Pieces of power they have
to get away.
You're small all right.
But you're maturing
one slab of darkness at a time.
When you're small,
you realize that prayers don't work
for some things.
You realize, sleeping outside
even on the roof
is safer.
They'll never think
to look there.
That there's no such thing
as afraid of heights.
It doesn't compare
to fear of other things.
When you're small
and on the roof,
you stare at all
of your neighbors' houses.
At their lights
going off and on
... Then off.
You wonder,
is it the same for kids
over there.
You wonder,
do they, too,
sleep with their shoes on.
~~~
Light a cigarette. Take a deep drag. Exhale slowly. And then write.)
______________________________________________________________________
"When You're Small"
When you're small,
there's no right or wrong
just yet.
Morality will come
when it's explained to you
someday. Maybe in therapy.
For now, there's only pain
and no pain.
You learn that light is bad
and dark is good.
Because hiding is easier then.
Because you're small.
When you're small,
you learn to lightly shatter
the lightbulb overhead
in your room.
So that it's dark.
And so that the pieces fall
directly underneath.
Hoping they will cut their feet
when they come.
And after, maybe they'll change it.
You wait, wearing your shoes
even in your pajamas.
Maybe run, while they cuss
and bleed. It's evidence
that they were in here.
During the wrong hours.
Someone will believe you.
This time, you just know it.
Words aren't proof.
Blood is proof.
When you're small,
you don't want to go swimming
with the other kids.
No matter how hot it is.
Because you feel cold,
standing only in
your swimming suit.
Too much skin, exposed.
You can't cover everything
with your hands.
Someone will see something.
Think something.
Know something.
Maybe say you're guilty, too.
Even though you're so young.
But so far, all you've done really
is be born.
Hoping your legs grow,
so that you can run.
But so far,
they still reach for you,
grab you, without leaving their seat.
When you're small
they take your underwear
out to the burn barrel.
It's evidence
against them.
Maybe burn their own
if they had to hurry
earlier.
And soon, you're left to explain
why you ran out of underclothes.
Just say a mess was made with them.
It was an accident.
You take the blame,
on your own.
So you go without.
And when the one
with the big feet comes,
(You try to never look up)
they're really mad.
This time, it's really
going to hurt.
No more coaxing
like the times before.
Maybe you black out,
even though you're awake.
Maybe you understand
one transgression of theirs
at a time.
Of course you don't.
So far, all you've done
is be born.
When you're small,
you find things of theirs
and sneak them
to the burn barrel.
Their keys, their money.
Pieces of power they have
to get away.
You're small all right.
But you're maturing
one slab of darkness at a time.
When you're small,
you realize that prayers don't work
for some things.
You realize, sleeping outside
even on the roof
is safer.
They'll never think
to look there.
That there's no such thing
as afraid of heights.
It doesn't compare
to fear of other things.
When you're small
and on the roof,
you stare at all
of your neighbors' houses.
At their lights
going off and on
... Then off.
You wonder,
is it the same for kids
over there.
You wonder,
do they, too,
sleep with their shoes on.
~~~
Published 4th Jan 2023
| Edited 19th Jan 2023
Author's Note
Be the difference, people. The world runs on empathy.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 22
reading list entries 16
comments 39
reads 519
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
4th Jan 2023 3:36am
I enjoy reading this poem penned by you, my poet it is insightful, and a cherished mental treat to ponder the meaning behind your engaging words.
Enjoy your evening and may you awaken to an uplifting Wednesday.
Enjoy your evening and may you awaken to an uplifting Wednesday.
7th Jan 2023 1:47am
I'm not so sure about the mental treat part. But I thank you graciously for the read and the comment. Take care of you out there. It's a hell of a world.
7th Jan 2023 10:50pm
Any musing that comes from the mind, originates from the heart, and in its duality, we thinketh therefore, it is, and you are humbly welcome always.
Omfg! 🤬
I am caught off guard with this post.
I can only say at this moment i cannot imagine what you have seen and lived through as it is clearly displayed here in your writing.
Geez_zest!
I have never been through any of even a pinch to which you have shared and to which i am sure more, much much more, is to be said, yeah so much more.
I am hurt 😞 hurt because you, my little darling ( thinking back when your were young, as you have brought me there now, to your childhood) it hurts me to read and feel what you lived through.
I am here to tell you, we all have stories,
all tragic in some way or another and obviously in different ways. But
luckily, we also have dup in which to express and release. I hear you Styx♥️ i really do bro
thanks for sharing
Always your sister
Jackie. Oxox ♥️
I am caught off guard with this post.
I can only say at this moment i cannot imagine what you have seen and lived through as it is clearly displayed here in your writing.
Geez_zest!
I have never been through any of even a pinch to which you have shared and to which i am sure more, much much more, is to be said, yeah so much more.
I am hurt 😞 hurt because you, my little darling ( thinking back when your were young, as you have brought me there now, to your childhood) it hurts me to read and feel what you lived through.
I am here to tell you, we all have stories,
all tragic in some way or another and obviously in different ways. But
luckily, we also have dup in which to express and release. I hear you Styx♥️ i really do bro
thanks for sharing
Always your sister
Jackie. Oxox ♥️
7th Jan 2023 1:53am
I had the idea to write it, but i had no idea where it would take me as I wrote it.
It just poured out. And i kept it as tasteful as i could. I wrote it, but it includes so many others out there. I just held the pen, so to speak.
Thanks for your supportive comment. It's nice to know there's those who care, still out there.
It just poured out. And i kept it as tasteful as i could. I wrote it, but it includes so many others out there. I just held the pen, so to speak.
Thanks for your supportive comment. It's nice to know there's those who care, still out there.
7th Jan 2023 7:13pm
7th Jan 2023 8:10pm
Save some hearts for yourself Jackie! They're seemingly getting kinda rare in the world.
Wait! Valentine's day! Brach's conversation hearts candy! I eat them in order; purple, pink, orange, yellow, white, green. Because I'm OCD about some things. Lol.
No, I don't read them. It's all lies!!!
Wait! Valentine's day! Brach's conversation hearts candy! I eat them in order; purple, pink, orange, yellow, white, green. Because I'm OCD about some things. Lol.
No, I don't read them. It's all lies!!!
Awww ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ lmao!!! 💜 💜💜💜💜 💚 💚💚💚💚
💛💛💛💛💛💛 💙 💙💙💙💙💙
Have a great evening 😂😂
💛💛💛💛💛💛 💙 💙💙💙💙💙
Have a great evening 😂😂
4th Jan 2023 5:23am
You have given a voice to so many children who need to be heard. Amazing job of capturing the undeserved hurt, shame, and vulnerability of child abuse. I hope this was more cathartic than painful to write. Please consider sharing it beyond DUP.
7th Jan 2023 2:00am
Any pain associated with something along this topic, stopped a long time ago for me.
That's why this write isn't more vengeful of venomous.
Life is awesome. I'm grateful to have it.
I do "share" some of my writes in other sites. But I know what you mean, and thank you for such a strong nudge. I appreciate you.
That's why this write isn't more vengeful of venomous.
Life is awesome. I'm grateful to have it.
I do "share" some of my writes in other sites. But I know what you mean, and thank you for such a strong nudge. I appreciate you.
I stared at the question "Like this poem?" and wondered if I should check the box. A painful read. Well-writ for surely. Unnerved many, definitely. Many will want to give you a hug, as I do.
May your new year be greatly different; may it be a kinder one, may it be a source of joyful inspiration.
May your new year be greatly different; may it be a kinder one, may it be a source of joyful inspiration.
I know what you mean, Alviola, about "hit the like button" or not, on some writes that are not exactly the likable subjects. But, we want to acknowledge to the writer that we support their write in a favorable manner. Thus, the like button.
I thank you sincerely, for your personal applause. Real men aren't afraid to support other men in times of strife. It's called maturity and wisdom. You have both.
I thank you sincerely, for your personal applause. Real men aren't afraid to support other men in times of strife. It's called maturity and wisdom. You have both.
4th Jan 2023 11:53am
Jesus. That last line very nearly punctured my heart. The image is so powerful. This is a very brave write Styx. Hope you find the writing process to be cathartic. This is the kind of poetry which should draw folk to DU. Rob
Anonymous
4th Jan 2023 4:45pm
I wanted to comment but nothing seemed appropriate. Last line. Yes. Stings harder with each read
"This is the kind of poetry which should draw folk to DU"
Rob,
That is a hell of an awesome comment. Thank you. I try to bring my "A Game" when I post here. We never know who is reading us. Or who is effected by what we share. I've met some wonderful people here, and made some true friendships based on our time in here. It's a great trade to me.
And you are definitely included in that comment.
Rob,
That is a hell of an awesome comment. Thank you. I try to bring my "A Game" when I post here. We never know who is reading us. Or who is effected by what we share. I've met some wonderful people here, and made some true friendships based on our time in here. It's a great trade to me.
And you are definitely included in that comment.
7th Jan 2023 2:24am
*LadyFancy,
The fact that you took the time to read it, and to acknowledge it, is a comment just as valuable as any other. So I thank you, with just as much sincerity as i do with these other replies. You matter just as much.
The fact that you took the time to read it, and to acknowledge it, is a comment just as valuable as any other. So I thank you, with just as much sincerity as i do with these other replies. You matter just as much.
4th Jan 2023 8:25pm
This was heavy. It was like reading a poem, but also a story. Brave, what a brave poem. It’s so vulnerable, and I know it was nerve wrenching hitting that submit button but I’m glad you did. Sometimes it takes writing to help us realize that we are carrying luggage that is so heavy, it’s time to set it down somewhere. Grateful for you. It’s always the beautiful ones…
7th Jan 2023 2:43am
You summed it up perfectly. Especially the submit button aspect. Because half the weight is writing it out. The other half is sharing such things.
Many times we share our writes for the ones who may take it to heart. At least I do. Writing is basically a room. And we can let others in it, with us.
It's better than taking on the world alone. Even if we're by ourselves in our houses.
I'm glad you're here, too.
Many times we share our writes for the ones who may take it to heart. At least I do. Writing is basically a room. And we can let others in it, with us.
It's better than taking on the world alone. Even if we're by ourselves in our houses.
I'm glad you're here, too.
4th Jan 2023 10:10pm
Engaged the senses, real cool...
And the subconscious of the senses...
A razor blade, psychology...
Nice quasi circular format...
And the subconscious of the senses...
A razor blade, psychology...
Nice quasi circular format...
7th Jan 2023 2:54am
I like your style, Cipher. And yes, this write, as well as many of my writes, I try to tie things together somewhat tightly. Not much filler.
I need to work on brevity.
I appreciate your precise comment. Your concise logic is cool.
I need to work on brevity.
I appreciate your precise comment. Your concise logic is cool.
This one takes my breath away
Showing your whole arsenal of Empathy
I felt so much of these lines
Congratulations on a stunning write
BIG LIKE
Showing your whole arsenal of Empathy
I felt so much of these lines
Congratulations on a stunning write
BIG LIKE
7th Jan 2023 3:05am
Hey dude,
This write is a huge portion of empathy. It hit me in the chest, it kicked my ass, and then I spit it out in here. I haven't even saved a finished copy of it for myself yet. (It needs some little edits).
I was going for a bit of "stun" when I wrote it. But I wanted to keep it dignified as well.
It's terrifying a subject enough. I didn't need to spell out a lot of terror. It's obvious.
Thanks so much. And for the nom for POTM. That's very cool of you. Some day I might even win one! Lol. But I thank you for putting me in there. Very awesome.
Stay you. You're the best you've ever been.
This write is a huge portion of empathy. It hit me in the chest, it kicked my ass, and then I spit it out in here. I haven't even saved a finished copy of it for myself yet. (It needs some little edits).
I was going for a bit of "stun" when I wrote it. But I wanted to keep it dignified as well.
It's terrifying a subject enough. I didn't need to spell out a lot of terror. It's obvious.
Thanks so much. And for the nom for POTM. That's very cool of you. Some day I might even win one! Lol. But I thank you for putting me in there. Very awesome.
Stay you. You're the best you've ever been.
5th Jan 2023 2:42am
You weren't kidding when you said this was going to be dark.
My mom worked in the school system. She came home mentally
exhausted helping kids get out these kind of scenarios.
Noticing bruises on kids and everything else kids have no
business being exposed to.
There are good people around that try to help but too many fall through
the cracks.
You gave them a voice in this.
I'm proud of you for tunneling through this and posting:)
My mom worked in the school system. She came home mentally
exhausted helping kids get out these kind of scenarios.
Noticing bruises on kids and everything else kids have no
business being exposed to.
There are good people around that try to help but too many fall through
the cracks.
You gave them a voice in this.
I'm proud of you for tunneling through this and posting:)
7th Jan 2023 3:15am
Hug your mom for me. Tell her I said thank you for helping make a difference.
People waste so much time looking up, for angels. Some angels have been here with us awhile already. You get to call one of them "Mom".
We get to call one "Del".
Thanks, you. And btw, your glitter is all natural. Lucky you!
People waste so much time looking up, for angels. Some angels have been here with us awhile already. You get to call one of them "Mom".
We get to call one "Del".
Thanks, you. And btw, your glitter is all natural. Lucky you!
5th Jan 2023 9:39pm
It's really difficult to provide the reply this deserves.
The depth with which you captured these feelings...
When you are young, the confusion and guilt consumes you.
And the anxiety just grows and grows. It becomes everything.
The fear that someone will discover these dark secrets.
Fight or flight, wanting to run but unable to, you just fight yourself.
That it is all somehow your fault and you deserve to suffer.
Reading this, it's impossible not to feel it deeply. Brings me to tears.
Morality becomes a difficult concept, one that seems so foreign.
You just pray for darkness because you can try to hide the pain.
No one would ever believe you anyway because you are little.
They will blame you and it's scary to think what would happen then.
Like pink said, you have captured the hurt, shame, vulnerability...
Giving any child who has suffered abuse a voice.
Because so often you don't have one when you are small.
Truly a remarkable expression of the devastation of abuse.
Something that starts a real struggle to feel self worth.
The depth with which you captured these feelings...
When you are young, the confusion and guilt consumes you.
And the anxiety just grows and grows. It becomes everything.
The fear that someone will discover these dark secrets.
Fight or flight, wanting to run but unable to, you just fight yourself.
That it is all somehow your fault and you deserve to suffer.
Reading this, it's impossible not to feel it deeply. Brings me to tears.
Morality becomes a difficult concept, one that seems so foreign.
You just pray for darkness because you can try to hide the pain.
No one would ever believe you anyway because you are little.
They will blame you and it's scary to think what would happen then.
Like pink said, you have captured the hurt, shame, vulnerability...
Giving any child who has suffered abuse a voice.
Because so often you don't have one when you are small.
Truly a remarkable expression of the devastation of abuse.
Something that starts a real struggle to feel self worth.
7th Jan 2023 3:30am
Sometimes, that voice comes out as a stutter, or inability to pronounce words at any given random moment. Because the brain did a little rewiring while it was absorbing some issues.
I actually heard once that people stutter because they're trying to reroute the truth as they go along. That is obviously the most ignorant thing to think.
Anyways, your comment is from your depth, I know. And your comment is perfect. And, I thank you most sincerely, Miss Kristina.
Sorry for the tears. I owe you a smile.
I actually heard once that people stutter because they're trying to reroute the truth as they go along. That is obviously the most ignorant thing to think.
Anyways, your comment is from your depth, I know. And your comment is perfect. And, I thank you most sincerely, Miss Kristina.
Sorry for the tears. I owe you a smile.
8th Jan 2023 00:09am
5th Jan 2023 11:25pm
This is gut-wrenching, as many have already said. But beyond that... I admire the defiance - the lightbulb, the running, the roof - those evidences of a sliver of self-worth woven throughout the terror. Brutalized, but not broken - I find that remarkable. Not that I had experiences quite comparable to this, but all I learned to do when I was small was to freeze and go numb.
Thank you for sharing this. There's nothing small about this poem.
❤️k
Thank you for sharing this. There's nothing small about this poem.
❤️k
7th Jan 2023 3:43am
Well, let's just say this write is the sanitized version.
And well damn, you picked out some pretty cool notables in the write. I didn't see that angle (defiance) for what it is as I wrote it, besides the keys in the barrel. But, you're right. Thank you for making me a bit prouder for the result. Very keen eye/brain you got there!
Something I noted myself, when reading it back today (I don't have a saved copy yet!), is how being on the roof perhaps gave the kid some form of being tall. Yeah?
Not just escape, but some height as well.
I appreciate your spot on reply. Thank you K !
And well damn, you picked out some pretty cool notables in the write. I didn't see that angle (defiance) for what it is as I wrote it, besides the keys in the barrel. But, you're right. Thank you for making me a bit prouder for the result. Very keen eye/brain you got there!
Something I noted myself, when reading it back today (I don't have a saved copy yet!), is how being on the roof perhaps gave the kid some form of being tall. Yeah?
Not just escape, but some height as well.
I appreciate your spot on reply. Thank you K !
7th Jan 2023 3:49am
Funny, this just made me think of the way I used to sit up on the kitchen counter, or even stand on a chair, just while hanging out chatting with my family. A little odd! I am not endowed with height, and I liked the perspective from up there.
7th Jan 2023 3:59am
LOL. I'm endowed close enough to say I'm 6'2". Lol. I'm like an eighth of an inch short of it. Dammit I almost made it!
When i was a kid, I was short as hell. The shortest kid in sixth grade, including the girls! I would pray to be six foot tall. I'm thankful that wish came true anyway!
Thanks for the chuckle! Good timing!
When i was a kid, I was short as hell. The shortest kid in sixth grade, including the girls! I would pray to be six foot tall. I'm thankful that wish came true anyway!
Thanks for the chuckle! Good timing!
Anonymous
- Edited 29th May 2023 7:45am
6th Jan 2023 8:36am
<< post removed >>
7th Jan 2023 3:52am
Hello Rianne!
I don't mind links at all by the way. Especially good music. Thank you!
I was mindful of keeping this write without an identity, including if a boy or girl. Obviously me being the writer, and y'all the reader, it will mostly come across as being about a boy. But it could be either. Because we all know victims are both. And the age is also open for interpretation.
It doesn't matter how much of this write is "me" or not. It's not as important as the hope that all kids get the chance to have a normal, safe, childhood. I wish I could save them all.
I really do.
Thank you my friend, for your insights and the comment. I breathe easier as i read replies.
Seriously.
I don't mind links at all by the way. Especially good music. Thank you!
I was mindful of keeping this write without an identity, including if a boy or girl. Obviously me being the writer, and y'all the reader, it will mostly come across as being about a boy. But it could be either. Because we all know victims are both. And the age is also open for interpretation.
It doesn't matter how much of this write is "me" or not. It's not as important as the hope that all kids get the chance to have a normal, safe, childhood. I wish I could save them all.
I really do.
Thank you my friend, for your insights and the comment. I breathe easier as i read replies.
Seriously.
7th Jan 2023 1:55am
Dear S,
Well done. This piece has everything. Heart, souls, empathy, truth, fear, blood boiling outrage. The detail: sleeping with shoes on, diminished underwear supply, bloodied feet, raw and factual in so many cases. All the good words and thoughts have already been used above. I’d only be repeating them. This is the writing of legends and a story that will stay in the minds of the reader for ages if not forever. H🌷
Well done. This piece has everything. Heart, souls, empathy, truth, fear, blood boiling outrage. The detail: sleeping with shoes on, diminished underwear supply, bloodied feet, raw and factual in so many cases. All the good words and thoughts have already been used above. I’d only be repeating them. This is the writing of legends and a story that will stay in the minds of the reader for ages if not forever. H🌷
7th Jan 2023 4:21am
Wow.
Dammit H, I'm kinda bowing to your reply.
As long as I get to be in your company, I gladly go as high or low as you deem this to be.
I want you there, too. As well as a big chunk of other writers in here.
Like I said earlier, this DUP place is basically a room. It would suck to be alone or sectioned separate. We are only as good as the company we keep.
Actually, I went out for a few drinks last night (and stayed home tonight), with a few friends. And I lost a friend, my doing. Because he now has a racist, piece of shit girlfriend. And if he chooses such a piece of scum, then by proxy I am scum too, as his choice of a friend.
Therefore I am no longer his friend. His standards are too low for my friendship.
As I said, we are as good as the company we keep. With you around, all of our worth here goes up.
Dammit H, I'm kinda bowing to your reply.
As long as I get to be in your company, I gladly go as high or low as you deem this to be.
I want you there, too. As well as a big chunk of other writers in here.
Like I said earlier, this DUP place is basically a room. It would suck to be alone or sectioned separate. We are only as good as the company we keep.
Actually, I went out for a few drinks last night (and stayed home tonight), with a few friends. And I lost a friend, my doing. Because he now has a racist, piece of shit girlfriend. And if he chooses such a piece of scum, then by proxy I am scum too, as his choice of a friend.
Therefore I am no longer his friend. His standards are too low for my friendship.
As I said, we are as good as the company we keep. With you around, all of our worth here goes up.
7th Jan 2023 7:03pm
Very weighty, very serious, a horrible topic, yet you tell every story so well. It's visceral but undramatic. Factual, but never self-pitying. Thank you for shining a light on this issue. You do it with such good taste, yet it's uncompromising and illuminating.
7th Jan 2023 8:03pm
Thank you Ellie.
I play the role of Robocop pretty well, when I have to!
More often than not, though, I'm pretty much Mr Happy guy. Lol.
It's so easy for me to find the value of even the simplest of things, and gestures, etc.
I could have nothing for myself and yet be rich within my surroundings.
Perspective is everything.
Good to see you, Ellie. Have a great day over there!
I play the role of Robocop pretty well, when I have to!
More often than not, though, I'm pretty much Mr Happy guy. Lol.
It's so easy for me to find the value of even the simplest of things, and gestures, etc.
I could have nothing for myself and yet be rich within my surroundings.
Perspective is everything.
Good to see you, Ellie. Have a great day over there!
31st Mar 2023 8:43am
Your words shatter against the scatters of my soul. You know, those little traces left behind of me from unkind humans. The pieces of me I have to use for empathy and epiphanies. As those scatters cut through your words I heard the beauty of their screams. The melodious sound touched my heart, dear poet, your art resonates.
LJ
LJ
2nd Apr 2023 2:34pm
Your comment is a much better ending than the one I could muster for my write. Wow. Thank you sincerely Lj. That was such a wonderful surprise for me this morning.
