Kindness

Kindness doesn't come naturally to me
My... programing did not include it
My mothers didn't encourage kindness
My emotions live in my teeth and fists
Took me years to learn not to use them
Problems can't be solved with bloody knuckles
What do you do when you want to be gentle
But can't even hold back the rage long enough to?
Fed lies and poison and the world degrading
What's the fucking point? I just want to be kind
Why can't I just figure it out.. why
Why is love and relationships so hard
Why do I resent it so much right now?
I want to die and they won't let me
It wouldn't be kind... to make them so sad
Never really learned how to live this way
I'd rip out the throats of their enemies
But... Be kind to myself and others? You've got to be kidding
I am the flaw in the system of my life
A barbarian poorly cosplaying a hippy
I want to slam my fists into a face; any face
Splitting flesh and drawing blood
The desire for violence pulses in my veins
But they'd be sad... They would be... Disappointed
They don't know about my intrusive thoughts
Whenever I hold a knife in the kitchen
What the hell would I be if I snapped...
Certainly not kind... Absolutely not kind
And as the visions of violence dance in my head
I hold my loved ones close as I can
Their love holding me while the world burns
While the violence squirms underneath the surface
I don't know if I'll ever figure out kindness
But I think I know how love works?