Part of me died, but so alive...

It takes guts to commit something so raw & naked to the page. Poetically speaking, it’s so easy to get lost in metaphor or rhyme when writing of tortured souls and the like; but in reality, all that matters (really matters) are the depths of the words and how they speak to the reader. I sometimes think we are all at the behest of a cruel or benevolent God and some strange fate decides which God pulls our strings. When you’ve lived in the arse of the world, to re-emerge with the ability to articulate without self-pity, is central to any healing process.

People often say I am bold here because I take risks and I like to explore my sexuality in writing and in every other way. However like everyone, there is a lot more to the story although I share certain things infrequently and most often in more vague ways so that I can try to disconnect myself from it. Not so much because they affect me consciously but definitely subconsciously they have a way of bringing back feelings that you are not expecting. I have deleted some posts in the past and I may delete this one too. Often I regret posting and I don't like the appearance of vulnerability or weakness. But then again you say it takes guts so maybe it is really strength. I don't know, I guess I am still figuring that part out. I am much more comfortable sharing passion, other forms of writing the darkness that encompass things but in a less obvious manner I suppose, other life experiences and observations, and so on. In many ways I worry about posting something to close to home so to speak in regards to some things. Lately my Mom's condition has started to deteriorate more so that is having a major impact on me and it's very hard on me keeping up with everything because I don't have much help. So I have been very emotional and it brings some things up that have been dormant. Perhaps it's to distract me, it's just things that happened and they are compartmentalized so I am not looking for sympathy or anything like that. It's not cathartic for me either I don't think so I guess I don't really know if there is a purpose to share or not. I suppose I am still figuring that out too. Maybe it is for the healing process, maybe it's just because I am so sad and this is my way of expressing that from the past rather than accepting the future. Even though I know I must and that's what's tearing me apart. Anyway, thank you so much Rob, I don't know how easy this one is to comment on and I really appreciate you sharing with me.

“A young girl when you taunted me.
proved there was no heaven.” This hit home HARD! Memories I try to keep hidden and forgotten about shows up at unexpected times. Can’t control them once they start pouring in.  I feel your pain in this write.  💜💜

Hey eyes, it's always good to see you. Sadly, I know it will hit home for some and I certainly don't want to bring up traumatic things so I suppose that is another reason I hesitate to post some things. I would much rather share passion and things that make people feel good. But I do have a lot of darkness to share as well and I do that in many ways but often not so obvious on some things unless you know where to look so to speak. The meanings are there but not so easy to see perhaps. The closer it gets to home where that is easier to decipher and see the harder it becomes to share. The memories are one thing but all the other affects are more prominent. Whether it's being reckless in some ways or addictions to sex, thrills of other kinds, and so on. Those other affects last a lifetime perhaps while the memories come and go. Even that is complicated and can involve some contradictory aspects to what we are supposed to feel, right? Anyway, I hope that maybe this helps you feel less alone rather than just feeling the pain. :) And I hope at this point in your life you have the support, love, and passion you deserve.

I wouldn’t worry abt what other people will think abt your writing. It’s a healing tactic for most.  It’s not good for any of us to keep things bottled up cuz once it’s shaken we will explode and cause more damage.  I’m glad that you are venting in your writings.  💜💜💜

I must admit I am very bad about internalizing things so I totally understand what you mean about keeping things bottled up. Sometimes it finds a way out in much worse ways. I am just trying to figure out the cathartic thing though. I suppose that's why I keep coming back to things that are stressful for me on occasion. But really posting this is about my current grief and sadness not past things. Thank you for your encouragement, it helps.

You are bold beautiful smart sexy strong woman.   Keep on writing.

Hey Francisco, I really appreciate you jumping to share your support and encouragement like you always do. ;) Bold, beautiful, smart, sexy, strong... Yes, that's the things I want you to see always and I am so glad you do because that makes me happy. You are awesome and very much appreciated.

KristinaX,

         The darkness brings u back to being alone within ah laughing. This piece and thy ah feelings expressed really grips the ah heart with conversations of growling encompassing bad fowl tastes of my ah past. It's much aluv!👍 If had a brother it would be death. A young girl when u taunted me, proved there was no heaven. These lines are hair grabbing suspense and not only that, they are mind gripping to the point of damn....not fucking now. Overall Kristina, I aluv this death dark painful poem and thank u for sharing it with us.👁️👄🍜🥦🥬👁️👄🌽👁️🤜🤛🍻🍻🍻🍹🍹🍹🌈💋👅🍑

Ah yes, I have said before when you have experienced intense pain and suffering you can feel the passion and love more intensely too. Perhaps that's for having to go through those things. Everything seeks a balance and the most unbalanced widens the extremes of everything I suppose. We have to choose to make the most of the hand that was dealt. To let the past make us stronger and more passionate rather than holding us back. And there is a wisdom and depth that comes through suffering that just cannot be found any other way. Maybe there is no heaven, but you can make hell passionate and fun. You can laugh, love, and explore living life to the fullest. That's always how I want to be but there are times in our lives when things really drag us down. This is one of those times for me at the moment so I am trying to break out of that because I need to be even stronger now for my Mom. So I have been really hard on myself because I feel very guilty that I don't feel strong and I have been super emotional. I kind of just want to hide in work because that's much easier than everything else for me at the moment, and that just makes me feel more guilty. So often the hard things grip the mind the hardest. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this one Birchel. And thank you so much for the RL too.

As always, u are ah kindly ah welcome upon ah both. I'll be ah moving along now. Thank u though for thine ah passionate ah writes! 👍🥃🥃🎶🎶🍜🍜🍜🍜🍻🍻

Always sad when you move along Birchel. ;) But I know you must, just know I really enjoyed having you here with me for a moment. Thank you.

U are welcome and thank u too!👍

We all hide from our past in one way or another.  
We also hide in the present.  So often You write stuff that brings back my own tragic memories.  I look back and then see how I dealt with them.  By posting something like this, emotional to the max you are excising your demons but the reader such as myself sees himself too.  Like your other comments tonight, this write in a way is a public service as we all have CROSSES to bear.
I salute your courage and beckon you to keep exploring your inner self and living in these Yin Yang moments.  Sharing them is an act of faith in your readers.  We hold you and coddle you as you  mean a lot to many of us here.  You are bold, You are sad, You are often funny.
We accept you as you are.
I know I speak for many
With love

BIG LIKE
RL AWARD

I wouldn't say I hide from it, just that I hide it. Sometimes it's just better that way. Some things can change how people think about you and I think anyone that's been through this will understand what I am saying about the anxiety it causes. Even if you don't think about it and you make it into a strength. There are just certain things about going through it that stay with you and those come back up subconsciously. So everything feels perfectly fine like okay I can share this no problem and then it hits you after with the anxiety. It's not even that you are thinking about what happened it's just involuntary. So I feel like okay posting this is fine but after it hits me. And then I try to keep myself from spinning out in comments and don't do a very good job of it. Oh well, I suppose it has taken my mind off other things in the moment though. I haven't managed to excise these demons this way but who knows maybe it will work next time. (why the hell am I talking about next time, geez) I suppose being part of the mirror series is why you can see yourself, okay trying to add some levity. I wouldn't say courage in this instance just lapse of judgement. But I appreciate all the things you said I really do. I will always keep exploring my inner self and trying to grow and get over my anxiety about certain things. You know next time just say things happened and they made me stronger. :) Ah, that's interesting an act of faith in your readers. There are so many wonderful and understanding people here and I suppose that's why I feel like I can post something like this despite having major second thoughts after. No coddling. ;) Well a lot of people here mean a lot to me too. Yes, so many things and I suppose I need to show all of the sides sometimes. But I like bold and funny better than sad. Thanks for the love. There is so much expressed in your comment, it's really beautiful. Thank you.

hello beautiful Kristina you have a very deep understanding of yourself
the way you view things and turn them over in your mind
this write could only be brought forth by looking and feeling things over and over
I felt the great pain here I am a tortured soul as well perhaps not in the same ways but none the less...I understand this darkness...

this is great writing I feel for your very difficult time of late
I hope in some ways the heavy feeling lifts and you can again see some beauty
through the pain... hugs 💕💕

This is one of those where I think why did I do that. I suppose when you were heavily conditioned not to talk about something or that people wouldn't believe you then that anxiety just comes back in profound ways. Every time I have touched on this in the past that has happened. I am not really sure why I put myself through that. Perhaps there is some purpose I don't realize since I did it yet again. But I think remove maybe one theme and change one line and viola problem solved. It just becomes another dark ambiguous write. That's just so much easier isn't it? And then comments can just be about how people interpret it in so many different ways and responding to that is much easier too.  So in many ways I have a very deep understanding of myself but in some ways I guess I am still figuring it out. Some things are just better left buried maybe. I knew you would understand the darkness and I had hoped you would share your thoughts with me because of that. Like me, I know you feel things deeply and intensely; it shows in your writing and I feel that connection with you and your presence beyond the words. But as I said there is a wisdom and depth to be found in the darkness that you don't get any other way. So when you look at something what you see is often different from others. Like you what you said in regards to the comment on the artwork, I could definitely feel that feeling so your reply did not surprise me. I have heard that before many times actually. I look forward to looking at more of it and seeing what I feel. It's of course different than writing and that's great. But I think you could combine the two and that would be awesome. Just a thought.

I have had to accept some things I have been lying to myself about. I suppose the past remissions just made me hang on to that but I was already told what to expect. The doctor already told me to get power of attorney and make medical decisions and everything a while back. Now even writing comments sometimes I am tearing up. I am just super emotional and that's not good for me. And there are other things going on that aren't helping either. So I am just trying to pull myself together because I am her caregiver, and I have work, and the other things in my life to deal with and not much help. Thank you so much for the well wishes and hugs. I can definitely use them but I will get it together somehow. :)

Kristina I am so sad for your grief and pain don't change your write I know what it's like to put yourself out there though it's very difficult and painful I have deleted many a poem because of that...as for combining them together my art and my poems again you are psychic I often write poems on my art with pain pens...my garden is deceptive it is beautiful to look at but doesn't tell of the fear that is felt here...there are spirits and those affected by them that make me feel intimidated at times and I'm not afraid of too much but honestly there are times I feel nothing but fear... Kristina we have no choice we have to face it there is nowhere but forward to go if we are in hell we are together in it and we will be warriors okay? if you need me I am here you can pm me I don't know if I can help I would like to give you platitudes of hope but I'm not like that and besides you know better... we will get through though believe in that... hugs... love Brenda

At this point there would be little point to change it and there were some very meaningful comments. I hope my replies have been very meaningful to some as well so I don't plan on changing it at this point. Thank you for the encouragement not to do so that does help. I think using your art as the image for writing that was inspired by it or vice versa would be great. Some here do that and I think it's great to see them together. If you have done that I apologize, I don't recall seeing it. But your art is so unique and has a depth to it and I think your words can even add to that. Personally I see a lot in it regardless but it's just a thought. :) I find that intimidation by spirits in a place that has a spiritual feel and significance to us to be comforting somehow. Like they are forcing growth, speaking to you about difficult things but things you need to hear. If that makes sense. Feeling nothing but fear can be stifling and difficult though because it's hard to listen, I know what that feels like too. We will definitely be warriors, I see you fighting those spirits constantly and that's the passion in you. Hell is just our test and if you survive it then nothing can stop you. I appreciate your offer so much, it means a lot to me to know that. I will continue to believe, I just have to go through the grief and this is a different level of that for me. But ultimately I will get through it and I hope it will make stronger in some way so I can honor my Mom. She never understood me and she didn't know about a lot of things but she loves me unconditionally and that's just something I feel like I have never had from anyone else.

good morning beautiful Kristina unconditional love that is beautiful... everyone needs to be loved like that I think  no matter what...not because you are good or bad but are...I've never posted my art here the ones with the poems that is... oddly enough my first one I did that with was a black and red painting features the spires of hell... I joke that I'm here on earth on probation from there... well it's only half joking I'm sure I was there at least once...

keep your spirits strong during this very difficult time we are here for you as much as we can be...I'm glad you decided to leave this up... I believe your comments have been very meaningful and others will draw courage from you 💕

That sounds amazing, black and red painting featuring the spires of hell. ;) I can see it in my mind simply from the description alone. I know I have been there too. 'I'm here on earth on probation from 'hell'' Damn does that feel familiar. Either you or I or both will have to write about that for sure. ;) half joking means not joking.. you are just saying something difficult in a way that takes the edge off because sometimes you just have to laugh at stuff and say okay, next. ;)

you know it's funny when I was painting that one my head was empty I had nothing in mind when it was finished I pointed to them and said simply those are the spires of hell yes I've been there both previously and while on the earth this time... there is a great elevator that takes you to the varying levels somehow I stepped foot on it while I was here this time... I wasn't frightened I traveled the different levels greeting some I know.... I would show you the painting except I gave it to my son...usually I take pictures of my art but this one I didn't...I would love to write with you on this topic or others whenever you feel like it beautiful one ❤️

I have to admit I am generally bad at collabs because of how I write. Which is kind of just chaotic and I can't try to write, it just happens and also sometimes I get anxious I won't live up to expectations so that doesn't help either. But I am honored you would think of that. And I believe that could definitely work in this case because I think you write  like that too. ;) I am not much in the writing mood at the moment but that could change anytime and we can definitely give that a try and see what happens sometime. ;)

Heartfelt piece a stark look at yourself a brilliant reflection piece gorgeous
Love and light
Ron x

Hey Ron, maybe too stark. But definitely from the heart and soul as always. Like I mentioned to crimsin I could have made this much easier on myself so I guess I am just asking for more anxiety, like I need that. Probably the absolute worst time to post something like this in hindsight. I was trying to express my current sadness not drudge up other things. Anyway, too late now. Lesson learned or not learned, yet again. The next one will definitely be something different. It might come sooner rather than later. :) Thanks for the love and light, I can definitely use it.

Hi Kristina:)

Man - I'm at a loss of words as to how to comment on this. It's so open and raw.
With tragic undertones that speak to a lot of women. Finding strength under the worst circumstances
in order to still be and feel alive. Even if you feel dead - still reaching for some sort of silver lining.
So brave and amazing at the same time - bravzing:)

Hang in there and always be comfortable in your own skin.
Scars and all.
Always rooting for you btw:)

I know people don't really expect this from me. Like I mentioned in the previous comment I could have changed one theme and one line and viola everything is magically okay somehow in regards to the past component. Then it becomes an ambiguous dark write to express my current sadness which is really what I wanted to do anyway. Anyway... live and learn, again. But open and raw is something I know well. In regards to being courageous and bold this is my kryptonite I suppose. It makes me anxious and I think a lot of things about how it will be perceived and what people will think of me and so on. Because I like how people think of me without this stuff. Sadly I do feel like it will speak to many people and maybe there will in some way be comfort in not feeling alone in that. "And a part of me died. And another part was awakened." This part is actually complicated to explain because there is a lot to it. In regards to what died and what awakened. It's not easy to understand because some of the things awakened are things you feel you need now that aren't easy to explain. But anyway, I think I will leave that one alone. There is always strength and wisdom to be found in every trial I think. I love bravzing. You have the most awesome figures of speech. Like I say often, you always make me smile.

It's always important to be comfortable in your own skin, sometimes it's difficult to share though. Especially when you think did I really just share with 62 people and counting. When I won't even share certain things with people close to me. Damn, more anxious now. lol Still I am fine with my scars. I guess I just don't want to show them off though. Couldn't ask for a better cheerleader though Adel. ;)

So many great lines l, friend 😁 "You are the pain I embraced". Using that pain as strength is all we can do at times.

Suffering and pain can make you so much stronger and you can handle so much more. It's like exercise strengthens muscles, you strengthen your tolerance and capability to deal with anything that's thrown at you. I think you can always use any trials to become stronger and never feel like a victim. I hate that word but I suppose by definition it has to be used sometimes. We all have our crosses to bear and what's most important is what you with those things. I have carried mine up hill even when bleeding, and all these things that tried to break me made me stronger. I suppose that's why it's so hard to feel so weak right now. But I suppose grief is something you just cannot get away from, it's not about you - it's about someone you love. So I am just having a really hard time right now but I will get through it, I always do somehow.

I will pick up the shards of your shattered existence and hold them gently in these hands blood red. I will cherish them and keep them sharp, so they may cut you in your need. I will weep as I place these shards in your hands and laugh with you as they draw blood. In madness there is sanity and in pleasure there is pain, yet this is such a small price to feel alive. The depth of your poetry is now greater than the sea and the power of your words can alter the tides.  

The shards of my shattered existence will definitely make your hands bloody but when you put them back together again it's really something else. Each sharp edge, each cut defines us and I want people to see the best in me because of my actions. I have incredible passion but I think the most passionate people are the most sensitive in many ways. People are also drawn to them but unfortunately people with bad intent are equally drawn to them. So in some ways it is a burden I suppose. But it's a burden I would never want to give up because passion is vital to me. Without it I would surely just fade away. The shards will definitely draw blood, but sharing that blood is one of the most passionate things even if it causes pain. Pain and suffering can definitely be a price of being alive. But I will pay the price. 'greater than the sea and the power of your words can alter the  tides' Stunned by the beauty of your words. I love the sea and think of being magnetic enough like the moon to alter the tides  is just absolutely beautiful. You are a true shaman, and the wealth of your thoughts, experiences, and feelings is immense. So I respectfully disagree with piss poor. Just saying. ;)

If I have learned anything in life, it's this - You can't fix broken people because they were never broken in the first place. They have their path and their own journey that is not our path. Yet we can share another's path for a while, to dream their dreams, to feel their pain, and share their blood. As we share their sadness and pain we grow because growth is never without pain. So I weep for you and laugh with you as you walk with dark desires.  

There is growth and development that must take place in ourselves. No one can do that for us, and that determines if you are passionate for life or withdrawn and depressed, and so many other things. And we will always go through different phases but it's what we do with those experiences that matters most. Do they propel you forward and make you stronger, or do they just make you weak and waiting to die. Losing all excitement and passion for life has to be one of the worst things if you allow that to become your norm. Rather you recognize it and at some point go you know what I am tired of feeling this way. Sharing in someone's dreams and they sharing in yours, and even being their dream is an incredible experience. But still you cannot be that for someone if you are co-dependent and trying to change them. I don't mean little things like you didn't pick up your clothes, I mean to the core. If you want to change someone at the core then it means you are with the wrong person and it just damages you both in my opinion. Pain is one of the strongest catalysts to growth in my opinion. So let's weep together and let's laugh together. I find dark desires to be thrilling and exciting. The things I like are not for everyone but many things shaped me in so many ways. There are some who will really appreciate those things and some that will try to change them, and others that will just condemn. But I am me, I am not trying to be anyone else or prove anything. And I think actions speak louder than words. If you like someone you can be a positive influence in their life and if you hate them then find someone you like so you can be a positive influence rather than a negative one. At the end of the day we are all individuals and there is more than enough hate and discontent in the world.

The mantle of enlightened teacher sits well on your shoulders. Not that you give homework or tests but you teach by example, showing what is possible, challenging perceptions, opening eyes, and inviting people to join you in darkness. I think you will change the world as no one else can. You have changed me, a long time seeker of truth and reality, and I'm not the only one you will change.  

a perfect stuff from bold n beautiful rather pure personality.☺️
It's an amazing bunch of words.
Keep shining 🌟

You definitely make me smile olivia. :) And I really need the smiles right now since I have some very difficult things going on so thank you for that. "bold n beautiful rather pure" is such a beautiful thing to say, I love that. I can already see you shining, you are passionate, sweet, caring, and full of life and excitement. Those are the things that make life worth living along with love. I am so happy you thought it was perfect and an amazing bunch of words. You are awesome and I love your shine. ;)

Thank you very much for saying such a wonderful words for me dear and yes if you want to share something with me in this difficult time of life, yo can share darling..and as you know I am always smiling and want to see you smile always. So keep smiling 😃 And listen, my aunt used to say that time never stops, your hard times will pass, just be patient,If you keep smiling even in difficult times, then even difficult times will get upset with you and go ahead..😀 so keep shining 🌟, keep writing ✍️, keep smiling ☺️

'If you keep smiling even in difficult times, then even difficult times will get upset with you and go ahead.' I love that. It's so inspirational and raises the spirits along with all of your other encouraging words. Thanks for being a beautiful ray of sunshine and casting your rainbow of colors. It's like finding the pot of gold that it leads you to. ;) <3 xo

😊😍😘

Dear K,

Raw, gritty, tortured, sad, what I’m missing is mad. Where’s the anger? Someone has put this on you. Not the other way around. Where’s my feisty Kx?! Where’s my bird flip?! Where’s my f*ck you?!
I think this definitely needed purging and exposure to LIGHT because then it can’t keep growing in its perceived power. Only you know how you want to move forward with this. I’m glad you wrote it and more glad you posted it. It’s the smallest grain of sand that will have the largest impact of change. I’ll curtail my “perceived” insight as oracle but not before I make mention that you are indeed, strong enough to move forward from this. It’s always going to be all right to feel anyway you need to from experiences. It’s what we do with it that defines us and this poem reflects strength of character that I’ll remember. xx
H🌷

Raw, gritty, tortured, and sad is a good description. I would say my sadness is due to current things not past though. I don't let that stuff drag me down or limit me. I found the strength in it and I don't consider myself a victim. What I went through was really bad but I think of what people in Syria or Bosnia and other places have gone through and those atrocities. There are so many people that have gone through truly horrific things and you just have to make the best of it because what else can you do but stop living. Try to use it for strength. There are certain things it changed about me forever I suppose but some of those could even be considered positive in ways. Like my intense passion and desire for life. But my emotions are VERY strong and when I feel sadness and grief it can drag everyone around me down. That can be a burden in and of itself. But when I am happy and passionate I can excite people a lot and inspire that passion and desire for life. That's what I want to do here and everywhere. I want to make people feel good. I don't want or expect anything else out of it because that makes me feel good. Regarding anger, I find it to mostly to be a destructive emotion for me. It drags me down and generally there is no point because it wastes a lot of energy. The people that make you angry are usually the ones who like to engage in that type of back and forth. They take the goodness and energy from you and throw in the rubbish bin, wanting you to be miserable. The best way to deal with these people in my mind is to show them that you have a life and are passionate about it and living. That you have friends and people that love you because often they don't I guess. So I just choose not to be angry. I know there are really bad people out there and they seem attracted to me for a variety of reasons but I learn from that. I am what I call a pleaser so that makes me an easy target too in some ways but I am also very strong in my own ways and passionate as hell. I won't lose that to these people and that's the best way to get revenge so to speak. Because they want nothing more than to make you miserable and damage you. So that's my feisty and f*ck you in this regard. The lack of that perhaps showing more in my own way in this is because posting this was motivated by current things and not past ones. It just happened to have that as an aspect. And honestly, I don't like sharing that because I don't want sympathy, pity, or to affect anyone's opinion of the feisty me in a way that suggests otherwise. But I suppose I am being bold by saying it because it's the type of thing some people don't believe or that people will possibly subconsciously think badly of you in some way. I think people who have gone through these things always feel that, I know I do. And those things are strongly instilled into you when these things are happening and my situation was super complicated because I was in another country at the time, not to mention the other aspects of it. But anyway, people will think whatever they think I guess. I wish I wouldn't have posted it but that's always my response when I touch on some things. I think no big deal when I post but then I get stress and anxiety from it. I think those things are just subconscious and inevitable I guess regardless of how much time passes. I am glad you found value in my writing and posting it. It's definitely what we do with it, that's something I have said in other comments as well. And I choose to do as much good with it as possible. I am glad you see the strength of character and I love that you will remember. Your opinion of me means a lot to me, like the opinion from many other incredible people here. And although you have to take the bad with the good, I continue posting because of people like you despite any of the other stuff. You are a very positive influence here and I am sure everywhere else too.

Dear, Kristina
This piece is a raw, beautifully candid piece. It demonstrates the cathartic power of poetry so well.
At times I identify too well with this passage “And light is a concept I don't understand.”
I have experienced too many times this sensation,
“You stab me with glances of disapproval.
Always penetrating deeper...
You are the pain I embraced.”
I soon will be free from much of that stealthy scorn and derision
The fifth stanza is powerfully stirring. I exclaimed, out loud, Wow! When first I read “If I had a brother, it would be Death.”
Thank you so much for bearing your soul all of us to read.
Bravissima, poetry goddess🌹💓

I suppose I am good at raw and candid often being too direct and honest for people, at least in America. But I think that's a better way to be in many things. Still I am also very good at internalizing and not sharing things and going it alone. There is a very strange mix of contradictions regarding being bold and fearless, passionate, very sensitive, and so on. Anyone who has truly experienced intense suffering and pain, depression and anxiety can understand the loss of that concept of light at least for some time. I am sad you have experienced that many times but we can draw strength from that too. I am glad you will be free of those things because that's how you can truly move forward and find something different, and what you deserve based on respect, appreciation, love, and passion. I have said born to die before because sometimes it seems like life just wants to kill you. But during those times we can truly become so much stronger. Defying that death of our happiness, motivation, passion, and desire to live. Instead we can strengthen those things and as we move forward the next assault of such things we can deal with it better. Unfortunately grief has it's own way of bringing you down. When it's about someone else you love in some ways it just takes that strength from you regardless. You know you have to be even stronger for them but still you feel the pain and suffering and inevitable loss in your soul. And that's what I am dealing with right now so I am just regrouping to try and draw more strength so that I can continue being strong. Because I need to be even stronger now and I feel so guilty that I am not. But I am working on that. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts a lot. I know this next stage of your life can be something beautiful, just believe and do the things you love. The rest will come. :)

This is very beautifully written by such a beautiful soul ❤️

Hey Daniel, thank you for the beautiful compliment. I am really happy you found it beautifully written and that you can see the beauty in my soul because I really do hope that it always shows. So knowing someone sees it means a lot to me. Obviously some things are not so easy to post and that can cause stress and anxiety. But perhaps we need to challenge ourselves to feel those things in relation to that and that's how we can grow. Because so often those self protection mechanisms get instilled and we just suffer things along. I know I am really bad about that. My main reason for posting this was grief about the situation with my Mom but I am actually starting to feel like I got more out of it. In previous posts regarding the past aspect in this I don't feel like I really did so perhaps there is growth in this after all. I wasn't really expecting that.

So much of our younger years are code and it's embedded into our psychic DNA. If we experience light then we tend to produce light, a balance or should we call it reality also can produce light, but when we are shown the darkness at such young ages it corrupts the code. Regardless of how much light life shines on us the darkness is always there, within, in our DNA. We are continuously asking questions as to if we drew the darkness to us, is it in any ways our fault. Are we exactly what the darkness took us for or what it wanted us to be? Can the code possibly be rewritten eliminating the darkness? We don't know we can only endure. Tight piece Lady

It's absolutely embedded in our dna, that's what I am referencing when I say everything feels fine about posting and then boom get hit with anxiety. It's just something involuntary that you don't even realize will happen but always seems to anyway. Among many other things that just become innately part of who we are. For better and for worse. When you are young, you need support, encouragement, love, and attention to help you grow and learn. When that is violated in every way and you are put in this constant start of anxiety about things you should never be thinking about at that age then it does corrupt the code. I have written about that many times actually but I am not sure many saw it clearly because that also is often written in code like much of what I write. There are meanings that are apparent and there are meanings that are more obscure. Perhaps some see them because of their experiences but many won't. You have always been perceptive so I think you derive a lot out of things pretty often. It's a good question about drawing the darkness to you or why is the darkness drawn to you, as it seems to be to some people. That is part of what I call being a tortured soul. For me the darkness is always there but I don't consider it a bad thing. I find myself comfortable there now if that makes sense. Without it I am not sure how I would be, it's just part of me now. I cannot imagine being without it; I am not saying that's a good thing but it's just the way it is. It does drive my intensity and passion in many ways so I choose to see good in it. To leverage it in those ways. You question is a very good one and relates to what I just said very well. I don't think it can be re-written eliminating the darkness and I am not sure I would want to be. The darkness shaped me in so many ways and I would never say anyone should go through what I went through ever but I try to make the best of it. I know it made me stronger in some ways despite the anxiety and other negative things that will always plague me in one way or another. We can only endure and use those challenges and suffering to strengthen us and our passion in the best ways we can. I know some of my challenges are nature and some are nurture (or the lack thereof and exploitation to the opposite of it in every way) but I use the terminology because that's how it's referred to and I think it's relevant. We all have our challenges and I accepted mine long ago. Unfortunately grief is something different because it is out of our control. We can only do the best we can to take care of someone we love while they suffer and suffer along with them. And when the time comes that grief is only amplified by the finality of that suffering. I am just trying to work through that in the best ways I can and it's something that I feel intensely; like everything else. I am really happy you read this one and shared your thoughts with me. Thank you.

I think you always have something meaningful to say and you have. The darkness and pain in your writing is something I understand very well so it's easy to be inspired by it. The reality is this piece would not exist had you not shared your pain. It would have come out in another way but not exactly like this. I felt it deeply and this was, as usual, just written literally as I read in my head. There was absolutely no effort whatsoever, it just flowed and that says something. So thank you for inspiring this because although it caused me anxiety to share it; I feel like I got something from it finally. (see my reply to stardust) And believe me that's very meaningful for me. In the past I just felt the anxiety and tried to move on quickly but I guess I was working up to this because this time was different. Not at first but as things went on and I responded to more people, and I opened up more which is not easy it became something more. And in a way you gave me that so I am glad you feel kindred. You write beautifully; it's from the soul and that's easy to feel. So I hope you can feel happy knowing that. That it can ease the things you have experienced because I can imagine what those are. And I know that not everyone can.

There's so much I can relate to here - the dying and rising, the eggshells and pain.... but especially the current grief you've revealed in comments. It's so similar to my current experience - not in the details (except that it's also my mom), but in the emotion. Such intense waves, and sometimes they suck you under...

I think it's easy to get wrapped up and anxious about whether we've revealed too many details here, when really what people understand is not the details but the very human emotions that we all share to some extent. I used to worry about how my poems would be received and what people might think of me, but I've discovered there's nothing I can write about that somebody out there doesn't understand. And that's what makes us less alone, and that's a beautiful gift. And... I don't need to look anyone here in the eye in real life, so that helps. 😉

Keep shining in that darkness, Kx. You'll get through this. And when it's hard, we're here for you. Accepting help and love and vulnerability is the bravest thing you can ever do, remember that.
❤️k

Well I applaud you if you read all the comments BT. Geez, I feel like I wrote a book. I am sorry you can relate  and even more so if it's a current experience. I hope your Mom will be okay. Sending you lots of love an hugs. Yes, you can definitely drown in those waves. Lately I have really been getting sucked under. I feel like my tears are creating waves because I even tear up writing comments sometimes I am so emotional. I thought maybe it would pass but so far it hasn't so I don't know now. I suppose it must.

I am actually a private person so it just makes sharing so publicly cause anxiety when it's something intimate and close to home. I do it often but in ways that aren't really that apparent. Ways I can separate myself from and then respond to comments in a different way regardless. Because the surface meanings aren't the same as the other meanings. I don't even use any other social media for a variety of reasons. Yes, it's interesting when you can share intimate things with people and feel that connection but also you don't have to look them  in the eye in real life. So in many ways that makes it easier to share for sure. I suppose that's why we are here discussing this now. But still, at least for me, I find that I really care what some people I interact with think about me. For example, you are one of those people. ;) So I still get anxiety about sharing some things but I think this time I have done much better. Not at first, but now so that's progress. I know I am direct and bold in many ways but I am also very sensitive too. So yeah, all kinds of crazy contradictions going on. I have no problem sharing my passion, that's easy.

I really appreciate the support and encouragement. I know I will get though it, I don't really have a choice. I  always try to be the strong one for everyone but then I don't really have a lot of support in many ways. So as things get harder it's really difficult. I have started looking at different ways to get help. I don't think I can do everything any more. That's really hard to admit and accept. I suppose I always thought I could. Anyway, thank  you I know I needed to hear what you had to say.

My mom passed unexpectedly in May, so I'm on the other side of it now. But we were all blindsided. My dad was a different story - he declined for years with dementia - and yes, we got to the point where we needed lots of help - and his actual passing was a relief of sorts after all that. (Geez, that's probably a shitty thing to say to someone in your shoes, sorry.) I'm just saying that the grieving takes as long as it's gonna take, whether it happens before or after. I will be wrapping up mom's affairs for a long time, and that keeps making the shock of it fresh again. You will be caring for your mom for a while yet, but I hope you can enjoy some good times with her.

You don't have to be any stronger than you already are, don't worry. You got this. ❤️

I am so sorry k. I understand what you are saying. You may remember on my Sadness post I mentioned my Mom not wanting the treatments any more. So I completely understand what you mean. I have already started that process and I guess I was just holding on to hope before. I am doing my best to spend time and enjoy it and make things good for her. I want her to see me happy and not like this. I just feel guilty all the time. But I will be okay. I have to be. <3

《hugs》
❤️❤️❤️

A beautiful, heart-touching poem.  Remember, there was never a day so dark that it prevented the sun from reappearing.  Luv, Bonnie25

Hey Bonnie, thanks for letting my words touch your heart and giving me such encouraging and supportive words in return. The sun does rise again and I try to always see that despite how comfortable I feel in the Darkness now. It definitely feels like the darkest shadow has been cast on me lately but I still see the light break through. I still try to share beautiful moments with my Mom and create new memories that will last a lifetime despite the pain. And past things referenced have made me stronger and shaped who I am. So I choose to be the best I can be and let those things make me better rather than drag me down despite any negative impact they may have. Thank you so much for the luv. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

This may make sense to no one but me but both the Police and REM come to mind reading this, with a dash of Bonnie Raitt.

I am intrigued to know more about your thoughts on why those come to mind but I think I get it. Still I can't claim to be very familiar with all the songs from those groups (I know that's terrible right, sad face). But I am thinking 'Everybody hurts' 'Losing my religion' 'Every breath you take' 'King of pain' and even 'Don't stand so close to me' in some ways that would probably only make sense to me. Not sure on Bonnie Raitt. I always love how you think of music and share that, I look forward to that. :) Music is definitely something that is very important to me. I like your unique presence and how you always associate music it's really cool.

You are correct regarding the Police. I would just add my favorite Police song of all-time, "Darkness", from Ghost In The Machine". Most people are surprised to learn it was written by Stewart Copeland. There was more to the band besides Sting. You nailed my REM references, when I think of the videos.

As for Bonnie Raitt, that is a inference of mine as to what has caused the despair. Being soaked in the Blues, some of her most powerful work deals with relationships gone sour. So this might be a stretch but that is where my mind went. n

"In my self deprecation.
The darkness never gives me peace.
But it always gives me a piece."
I found this stanza and these lines intriguing, not just for the rhyme but the pain and darkness involved. It's truly a touching write, honest and scary to some degree.

Thank you for sharing.

I had not really even thought about it rhyming, that's just how it came. :) There is definitely a lot of pain and darkness involved. I often talk about the darkness and the many dualistic aspects of it, not sure if it really makes sense to most people or not so maybe it's just confusing. Pain is easier to understand, But anyway, I think it is always intriguing when people share their those things though. It certainly can expose the Darkness and maybe people don't feel so alone in it. I think touching, honest, and scary is a good description. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts Wally. I always appreciate you. You really blazed through some reading yesterday. :)


Touching, honest, and scary is a very description I think.

Sometimes when we go to that dark place in our heads, to escape the bad things, we end up creating our own demon.  It's the version of us that we shouldn't have. But we do, just to survive.
Don't let it win.  Only let it do the ass-kicking for you.  

This is an incredible write that you did, Kristina.  And I can see in it, where you left out things you wanted to say, but didn't.  Yet what is here, is powerful and full of subtle strength.  
In the afterwards of "dilemmas",  we choose to sulk or shine.  This poem of yours is you opening a door, and letting the light in.  That brightness looks good on you.

Great write, you.

Yes, I think you said that perfectly. Like you understand that darkness and what it creates in us. And somehow living without that demon just seems impossible and completely foreign. Perhaps it's the version we shouldn't have and yet separating it now would only kill us. It gets confusing... but then the entire situation that created it was confusing but that's a story for another time perhaps. I suppose things come back to me so vividly that I feel like I said more than I did every time. And then I say a little more, but not really so much but it feels like so much.

You are extremely perceptive, I certainly left out all the details as I mentioned above. Maybe I do want to say more but I am not sure. For the first time it felt kind of cathartic and that's a very strange feeling. Generally I just get a whole lot of anxiety and move on as fast as possible after spinning out in comments. Having said almost nothing. But as I said in previous replies, sharing some things can be a subconscious battle and so often you lose. I realize why but I suppose it's easy to feel like yeah that's the past but then somehow that anxiety and pain returns anyway. Some things just have a way of affecting us even when we think they won't anymore. To me I do see the strength now. Posting something that I worry will change the perception of me in ways I don't want is probably the strongest thing I could do here. With so many things I am fearless but some things in the past and my Mom are the things I am afraid to share or to face. Oddly enough much of my fearlessness was a defense mechanism created by those things in the past. When something reaches a certain point that it becomes about survival your mind just shuts off that part that is killing you. And then you just don't feel it anymore sometimes but often become compulsive and reckless as a consequence. So I suppose there is always a balance to be had and a price to pay. But... my other fear is the fear of failure. If I accomplish something I just set the bar higher as if I am trying to create this foregone conclusion that I will fail ultimately. And I push myself harder and harder. I think I can be everything to the people in my life and even my job. Infinite strength all the while being super sensitive and torturing myself. So I suppose that's what I mean by a tortured soul. There are  many reasons for that but that's for another time although I touched on it some previously as well. Perhaps I will write more about that in the future.

I am really glad you thought it was a great write Styx. That means so much to me.

It's reflective because of the mirror also. The content sounds awful in that it reads of disapproval of the worst kind.

Yes, these mirror things from my own experiences, past and present. I just write them in my mind as I am reading something but they are deeply meaningful to me just like anything I write. The contents are awful and they affected every aspect of my life. But I found strength and wisdom from the past and I hope I can draw on that as I face the future. Things with my Mom are just different. I just can't fix it and I always feel like I can fix everything. I guess I thought I could but I can't. And now I am just trying to accept that and it's so hard. I just kept telling myself it would be okay. That I would find some clinical study or something. Or that I would take her to one of the top institutions and they would be able to do something different. Sorry I am going to stop now. Thanks for the comment Billy.

You have done the best you can, I truly believe that. I hope one day you'll realize it yourself.

Thanks Billy, I am trying to do my best. I don't feel like I am but I guess there is only so much I can do and I have to accept that. I will come to terms with everything sooner or later. I hope one day I will feel that way too. I suppose when you are the midst of it maybe it's hard to see things clearly. I really appreciate what you said a lot. It was soothing somehow.

I know the feeling, Stay strong.

Hey Friar, I am sorry to hear you know the feeling. I know we all have our crosses to bear and it always seems that we were put here to be tested, at least for some of us. That the stronger you are the harder those tests become. But eventually we can overcome them although perhaps only to be tested again in response. And so the cycle continues. I hope that you have drawn strength and wisdom from your suffering and pain. So long as we still have passion and love then we can face any test and continue to appreciate the gift of life. Thank you so much for the encouragement, I will regain my strength because I must.

Its all life's passion and priorities staying parallel to what God hands you.

Indeed, we have to take all of those challenges and try to do the best we can no matter how difficult they are. Losing the passion for life in a chronic sense is even more tragic than those challenges because it's like two people died. So I will always try to appreciate that gift and live with my passionate intensity. But some challenges really test that resolve extensively.

This is one of the most raw, intimate poems I've ever read. I don't know to what degree these words mirror your personal life, but poetically speaking, this is a work of art of the highest calibre, in my humble opinion. I commend you for sharing such a poem, you definitely have a talent as far as I'm concerned.

Mundus

This one was definitely very raw and intimate for sure and I can tell you are very perceptive. There are definitely things from my past that inspire much of my writing and I express that in many different ways. I write from the heart and soul so I am glad you can see the depth of that here. Fortunately I often write about the positives of the intense passion that can even come from suffering and pain as well; along with many other things. 'poetically speaking, this is a work of art of the highest calibre' That is such an outstanding compliment and I appreciate it so much. Not really sure what to say to that. And I love that you see me as talented as well. It's really nice to meet you and thank you so much for leaving me such an incredibly meaningful comment.

The pleasure was mine to read such a strong, no-frills, even beautiful poem. It doesn't happen often, for sure. I'm not the best at decoding poetry, so poems such as the ones you write, with their ability to go straight for the heart and soul of the reader, are the ones I prefer, though I try not to limit my horizons.

Again, thanks for sharing!

Mundus

The vulnerability of your voice here is really powerful and penetrating, whilst also the language choices have a haptic visceral presence, it's like I can hear the cacophony of violence, the aching silence that follows it. My father was an intravenous drug abuser, so my childhood was full of terrible violence, he would steal and sell everything, walk into the room and walk out with the tv I was watching cartoons on, we were sometimes homeless, often hungry.

I hope you things are getting better for you, but I appreciate so much the courage to say something at this depth.

There is definitely a lot of vulnerability and pain in this one. I always love how you capture the feelings so succinctly in your words. There is definitely a haptic visceral presence that persists in relation to the cacophony of violence, manipulation, control, and abuse.

That is a terrible way to live. Always stuck in this fight or flight state perpetually. Never knowing what's going to happen and without any stability. The intense anxiety re-wires your brain for a lifelong struggle. Intravenous drug use is incredibly damaging in every way. I am so sorry you had to live like that.

Often when you survive something traumatic it does wake up an intense passion for life. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism but that passion just cannot be contained.

Thanks, things are difficult with my Mom and that's not going to change. That's really what's weighing on me at the moment. Anyway, I am really glad you found courage in this one.

the machine needed to drill me, heavy imagery. i suppose darkness never brought me peace either but i understand a piece. i've felt punished before too; i've also felt like i'm an experiment.

Yes, and the machine really can be an instrument of torture. Somehow you seem to get to a point where peace is the thing that makes you the most uneasy and anxious thriving on the constant chaos that has so long engulfed your mind and body. Some things change you forever...

indeed. and none of us are the same from childhood we've all gone thru some shit. we all carry our own personal hell in our guts... past dragging behind us like the anchor it is.