The Sixth Son From The Only Son Of Six

I wonder if his life flashed
before his eyes before he died
My life crashed before my eyes then I sighed
In a mad dash to the ash
Running from the worst hurt
From the last bash smashing
Head on into the first crash Thrashing from the vastness of the amassed past
Outlasting the lashing out cashed out
From the casting out hashing it out as a castaway
Passed away giving in from the passing out
With no doubt about the what
I'm the who when there's nowhere left but right there
With the know how but not the why now
Is it because of the pause In the clause
Riddled with plausible flaws paws clawed marks on the walls
Down this trail of carnage past tense
Intense nonsense passed it by the last pretense of events
From hence back to whence
It sprung forth and not again since
Born in generation X with big tech Encrypted in the select dialect
And with all that comes next
I'm vexed from this dyslexic flex I'm hexed in a complex wreck
With an inferiority pretext taking out of context
Unraveling like a time bomb I couldn't defuse it
I truly knew I should excuse it but I blew it
Away....
Belated and conveyed I hesitated in delay
In one single simple act in the moment I portrayed
By myself all on my own I selfishly betrayed
And I completely abused it
If you can name it then you can bet that I've used it
Undone from the deeds I've sprung from
And my dues I don't but I can't undo it
I was wrong for so long so deep into it I disproved it
But the consequences choose you you don't get to choose it
I had a chance to dance but in a glancing trance I refused it Frenemy's from friends severed ties in snake dens
Hi in the middle and round on both ends I confused it
My mind this time feels like I'm about to fukkin loose it
Blind folded on my way going to face
The mosh pit and hear the music The world has taken a turn for the surreal
Succumb to being humdrum to becoming
Plumb damn numb and unreal Unstated and related states of inadequacy
Drastically and impractically instilled
Trying to just be still to steal
In my stillness a cold hard blue steel
shield to wield emphatically unskilled from blood spilled
In the field to feel again on top of the hill
To heal again to help others heal to be emptied out
To overflow and be refilled
Walking away ten feet on my own Two size ten feet to be revealed
In this feat with the agony of defeat
To simply cheat it or to incomplete it
Or to critically critique it to undermine it or to masterpiece it To repeat it or delete it
A literary critic primarily of the dictionary
Now becoming secondary to the preliminaries
Of my controversial obituary to the contrary
Of the commentary to the cemetery in the hearse
Rehearsed from the irreversible diverseness
From the versifier coerced in reverse
Dreadfully conceptually with the solid proof
Of the cold hard truths
Off in the head off with my head Or instead I say out with my heart Fragmented from the falling apart All the way back to the beginning from the start
In the pitch black dark from the coming apart
To this phase raging on set ablaze from the spark
In part from my failure to depart With my whole broken brave heart Becoming abstract art missing pieces
Increasingly decreased this peace of mind
Of mine underlined behind the outlines
Between the lines of my rhymes Redlined as I'm inclined to decline and recline
By devine design in the signs of the times
Time to release the beast
To feast off of the famine that shall not cease
With the utmost irreverence and irrelevance to the very least
I've gone so far west with such persistence
And resistance being distant from such
Long distance I'm coming back from out the east
Predeceased to impartially rest in parts piece by piece
Cut off from the knees with no more
Needs to complain in vain
Purged out eyes broken windowpanes remain
I heard a whippoorwill singing Then another one sang along
Then a mockingbird joined in simultaneously
In unison all three birds sang the same song
The triple rippling echoes was music to my ears
To interfere for just a moment with these spherical fears hemispheric with the atmosphere from which I do adhere
With this ring I thee wed
Is a few words I have spoken
With other words read in other words
Written down and left unsaid Through all the commotion
As I was going through the motion He was once my child for a little while
Way back when my face still cracks a smile
It was a lesson that transcends
It was the fear of the deep I helped him to defeat
What he learned from me that day was so far gone beyond my reach
I was the teacher and I taught him but I couldn't practice what I preached
He was so proud that he learned how and how it was with me
That summer nearly 20 years ago at Roasting Ear Creek
When I was a boy I'd overthink and sink again and again
So I made damn for sure the same thing didn't happen to him Although I was internally drowning I still taught him how to swim Building walls up and burning bridges down
Calloused hands and singeing scorched corpses
Figuratively of course out of sorts Understanding it's a hard landing to withstand
Hitting rock bottom landing headfirst in quicksand
Well Rawd Dam
Dwindling down from the spindling crown
Trickling inward essentially
Rippling and tickling intensionally Swindling and crippling potentially Eventually existentially haphazardly
It had to be me the one to find him and tell of such a tragedy
And carry it with me in over my head
It was on my brother's birthday so I'm fine
That it was not him but me instead Dropping in to pay Dad a visit
He was leaning up like he was getting out of bed
" are you ok" I touched his torsos
I was instantly filled with dread
He was not ok he was gone and away I sped
I got in that firebird slinging gravel as I fled
I'd been up for days when I found our father dead
Then up a few more still to come
It was the hardest thing I think that I've ever done
And I'm still not really sure if my mind has overcome
He is the only son of six with five sisters and I am the youngest one of his six son's
I Love you Daddy
Happy Father's Day