Pick Your Poison

For me there was a moment
A minute in time
In a second I realized
My life wasn’t mine

My brain didn’t work right
Hadn’t known how to love
Had no friends to talk to
No God to speak of

Innocence died
Many years ago
Died with my mom
When I was five or so

I have slept with more men
Than I care to admit
It wasn’t by choice
On my bed they would sit

They all were his friends
No one ever protested
He did nothing to stop them
As little me got molested

Well now I go to therapy
And I’m on like five drugs
I cry and I panic
Hell, I just need a hug

But there’s no one around
Cause I pushed them away
And I need them so badly
Wish they fought me to stay

No matter what meds
Or the drinks, my disguise
The visions get cloudy
But they always arise

Can’t get away from my brain
As it spins round and round
Relentless it creeps up
All these thoughts with no sound

So I’m leaving this world
But I won’t go alone
I’m in my dad’s driveway
Grab my purse, grab my phone

He’s watching some football
I make him a drink
Add in a roofie
Then wait as I think

Thinking of the moments
He made me say yes
Today is the day
I make him confess

Pull out the handcuffs
Make sure he’s asleep
Pull out my teddy
A gift he can keep

The very teddy
I held to at night
That held me together
When I couldn’t fight

He now can keep it
I need it no more
Maybe it’ll help him
What he has in store

A gun and a razor
And a noose and some pills
A bottle of rum
And my cup that I fill

I wake him up with
A knock on his head
He grumbles and moans
Did he hear what I said?

“Why did you do it?”
He looks at my face
“You let them all touch me
Now these thoughts won’t erase”

He shook his head slowly
That he did no wrong
It was all in my head
Like an old 80s song

We fought and we bickered
He begged, set him free
I laughed at the notion
In control, it was me

He’s tied up on the sofa
I bring in a seat
A teardrop escapes him
So many tears I did weep

I have no emotion
As he pleads for his life
I point to the table
And hold up a knife

I place it among
All the options set out
“I’ll never forgive you”
I sit up and shout

His charm will not work
I can never forgive
“Just tell me why
And I may let you live”

He vehemently denies
All the accusations I make
This convo is over
Grab a roll of duct tape

I wrap it around
His head and his mouth
I turn up the tv
And lock up the house

I walk to the table
I’m back in the room
Point the gun towards him
Aim low and then boom

Shot at his kneecap
Then put the gun down
He’s screaming and writhing
I don’t hear a sound

I’m lost in the moment
Round his neck is the noose
Tighten it slowly
He had time to choose

The blood vessels pop
And his face it turns red
I feel like I’m five
And I’m back in my bed

The rage in me heightens
I’m losing my cool
I tighten and loosen
The tape spills some drool

I grab the bottled pills
And take a lethal dose
Drink up and listen
To the moans, my eyes close

Get drunk and watch him
Hope he feels more than pain
Hope he realizes his part
That made me go insane

I look up and notice
That he just passed out
I wake him again
Put the gun to his mouth

I pull on the trigger
As his head it explodes
Kiss on the gun
Then I sit and reload

I stare at his body
As I take some more shots
I hope that they find us
As our bodies will rot

I pray to a God
I know nothing about
To my head pull the trigger
Let that God sort it out