My silent sadness

Memories are like webs in my mind. Some I hang on to. Some less remembered. At times, I can hear the silence of memories. Sometimes they can bring storms of tidal waves.

Sometimes we get caught in those webs and do our damnedest to break free again especially before the giant black widow spider drags us in deeper and injects even more poison. Which is worse the silence of memories or the storms of tidal waves. I suppose it just depends on the day. The tide can be overwhelming but so can the silence.

Wow ... this is relatable to me in so many ways ... it has an almost confessional nature about it ... but also a questioning ... searching ... excellent flow ... the cadence is perfect for this ... like an intimate conversation with the reader/listening ... superb ...

I am so sorry this is relatable. You get it, it felt like a confessional; the really messed up thing sometimes is that we can blame ourselves for things entirely outside of our control. But if we stop questioning and searching then we have truly given up. I am glad you thought the flow and cadence worked in relation to the writing. And again you are right that it did feel that way. I always hesitate to post but I really hesitated on this and almost hid it as soon as I did.

Sometimes you just have to let go and speak it

Then you find like minded souls who might swim with you,  perhaps offer a life raft

Wonderfully worded

Wishing you better days

BIG LIKE

Maybe that's true but I am more of a keep it in, suffer in silence type of person hence the title. Sharing other writing that does not remind of you of some things is a lot easier. And I like the idea of people reading something and feeling good; or at least not reminding them of horrible things they may have experienced. Well some things are past but it seems new different challenges always wait in the wings. Thank you for the kind words.

i try to remember and feel this type of feel (Your spill) of my 1st Fiancee who died in the 1970's (Yes, i had another Fiancee who died a decade plus some years, later) and most of the time it rips me APART.

i rarely go back now (unless i've drunk too much libation and listening to sad music) as i know NO good will come from me revisiting my ache.........my pain...........my grief.

i KNOW we need to revisit to overcome our sad and grief but after a while i don't believe it's a positive building block
(i grieved over my 1st for near 20+ yrs).  

Hoping You, airing this out and writing is Healing.  i know it heals many of us readers.
thank You for sharing.

I am so sorry Tallen. That is an incredible amount of pain and grief to experience. Some things we can never truly get over.  
 
I understand the rarely going back, I feel like nothing good can come from revisiting some things. I spent so much time trying to compartmentalize and convince myself that I was not somehow to blame. But some things never go away. I can come off strong, bossy, and sarcastic but the reality is I can also be depressed, anxious, and I have been through a lot. I have developed a lot of defense mechanisms. And honestly I hate sharing that part of me. I don't ever want to show it. I don't want to look weak or like I want sympathy. So even lightly touching on some things stresses me out; I feel like I shared more than I did. And then I feel like I responded to comments like I did too.  
 
I think it may be more damaging than healing and maybe I should have said no comments but your comment is so vulnerable and so supportive that I think maybe I should have allowed them after all. Hugs... I am truly sorry for your pain.

i am glad You didn't curtail the comments.
I feel Your pain while i still feel my grief in revisiting my past.

One of the only spills i posted here in the Deep i did turn off the comments as i truly don't think or feel i could have endured the shares and experiences of my readers -- and that's the one and only spill i dribbled here about my Daughter after She died.

i suppose some grief we may NEVER be able to get over ..... of Yes?

Yes, that is a level of grief no one should ever have to experience to lose a child. It breaks my heart to think of what you have endured. I think the only one I did not accept comments on was one about my Mom; I just couldn't. I am preparing for what comes next and she is the only person who has ever truly been there for me. She does not know everything and I would never burden her with that but I would do anything for her. There are some things I just cannot fix and I am already dying inside.

Catharsis can make for powerful writing, and this is a beautiful example of such.  I can relate to your words, and as painful as that is, it feels less lonely to know you aren’t the only one.  Excellent spill 💜!

Thank you so much Luna for the kind words. I am so sorry you can relate although you have made me feel a little less lonely. I am truly sad if you experienced some similar things. I appreciate your comment so much.

There’s this interesting dichotomy here between the world we live, and the world we create, the tangible and the imagined. I love that this is an exploration of what we are and what we indeed escape too for so many reasons.

The ending of the poem for me thinking of that scene in Donnie Darko where they sit before the cinema screen to look into the time portal, and it just made that imagery seem more powerful in your poem. There’s something magic about a cinema screen.

Thank you for sharing.

-M

Yes sometimes that escape is the only way we survive. I suppose there is a strength of sorts in that. Definitely there is something magical about a cinema screen, another form of escape from things that sometimes are truly to painful to ever really face.

This is beautiful, and real, and relatable, and I'm so glad you shared it. I hope writing it out was helpful. In my experience, if these memories and feelings want to come out you have to let them out or they will fester - and what better place than here? We are all a bunch of sensitive souls with various wounds, just trying to keep our shit together in a harsh world. Please don't feel you have to censor yourself, or keep it enjoyable for others, or even answer comments.
Keep writing down the music of your beautiful soul. Even the sour notes. ❤

I am really sorry it is relatable. Not sure if it was helpful yet but maybe because of comments like yours. They do have a way of clawing their way out sometimes. Have to keep trying to re-enforce the vault. Seems like this is as good a place as any. Everyone has a past and it would seem the most sensitive souls tend to have the worst of them. But it's always nice to know that there are such caring and sweet people as you out there, BT. Maybe I will post more things I have written in the future that I had not considered up till now. Going to take some convincing myself. "Keep writing down the music of your beautiful soul." That is really beautiful and poetic. Thank you for the wonderful supportive comment. I appreciate it more than I can say.

I like this in the sense of relating to it, this piece reminds us of a sore, scabbing over without healing. This is with time and relations continually picking at the scab not letting it heal. There is a ghost in most people's past that refuses to stay the closet. The piece also has a sadness of lost to it in so many ways, flesh, innocence, emotions, and time. Again tight piece Lady

I like your analogy. Those damn sores, sometimes you just have to pick at them. I built a vault for mine but those emotional bank robbers (thoughts) can be very creative on getting in there. There is definitely a sadness of loss when something is taken from you and you can never get it back. Especially when things happen over time they can really change you. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

Dear, Kristina
I am so pleased that you chose to share your sadness in the midst of many a kindred spirit. Your heartache is palpable. I am the king of conjuring stories about past interactions with my life and its people. This poem proves that you can make beauty out of melancholy. I am sad to see you feeling the pain of wrestling with the past. The past is just a draft, a first pass, practice that informs the masterpiece of our present. Leave the cold, and abandoned dwellings of the past. Sit and warm yourself by the fire of your brilliant present. I pondered much this passage, "You cannot walk in the past but it can haunt the future." You illustrare so well the phantasmic nature of the past and what we tell ourselves are the realities of the past.  
All I know is that I am elated to have you in my present❤.. I'm glad to have DUP in my present.

As usual your supportive kindness shines a light on your big heart. 'you can make beauty out of melancholy' I find that line beautiful in and of itself. I know we all have a past and some of those stories are tragic but like you expressed so beautifully we move forward and try to create a better present and future. "All I know is that I am elated to have you in my present" You always have a beautiful way with words. Thank you for the wonderful words and encouragement. And I am elated to have you in my present also.

Fight the bad memories and make good memories.  Keep on writing.

Thank you for the encouragement Francisco. Will keep fighting and working on new and better memories.

"You cannot walk in the past but it can haunt the future"... that.  Kristina just mind-blowing.

Thank you for the comment Lj. I was trying to express how some things in the past stay with us always no matter how hard we try to leave them behind.

That existential angst that haunts our present with memories and regrets. Poignant poem, Kristina.

Cheers...Harry

Thank you for the comment Harry. 'existential angst of memories and regrets' I think that sums some things up pretty well.

We are all plagued by things as you describe ... all shape who we are ... even when brought low by them ... Bless and much love ...

No doubt we all have our crosses to bear and they do help define us but some scars run very deep. Sometimes they continue to plague us in many different ways. Thank you for the much love FeNyX, I really appreciate it.

yes ... how we deal with them can also help define who we are ... bless and much love ... .

Silence kills.  Nicely written.

I suppose that is true or at least it can eat at you until you desperately search for the music.

While memory pages cannot be erased, their power can be reduced, redirected, and reassigned. They are only thoughts we have the power to do with as we please. We can learn, despair, or bid them goodbye to the harmless shelf. Great and targeted write, which is one of your amazing talents. Hugs and peace, oral

Thanks a lot for the encouraging words as always Oral. Not all can be reduced, redirected, and reassigned so easily. Some have a subconscious affect that can be quite pervasive no matter how we try but time helps. That's where the defense mechanisms and protective shielding comes into play too. Anyway we can definitely keep trying. :) Thank you so much for the compliment. Hugs!!!

I have found with hypnotherapy and NLP that great progress can be made in reframing. Yes, we must realize the challenge and never give up. Hugs and peace.Oral

What could have been, like a thorn in your side.  I understand the anxiety and the doubt.  I recall a winning football coach explaining he doesn’t remember the details of the championships, but he knew the details and would play back in his mind the few defeats.

Your words express the feelings aptly, your use of “wave” is spot on.

Don’t overthink it (easier said than done) – you have the full package and will find the path to success.

That's true, so often it is easier to remember the details of the bad things that happened to us. But we try to push forward nonetheless. And those things do help define us, even the terrible ones; although it can be to our detriment sometimes.

Thank you so much for the kind, beautiful, and encouraging words DaVinci. I really appreciate them a lot.

Gorgeous depth, unfolding with a feel of gentle strength and cathartic acceptance to me.

Thanks Daniel, when you say gorgeous depth that really means a lot considering the extreme depth of your writing. We can choose to always be a victim or accept the past and try to gain strength from it. Some things can never truly be forgotten and they can affect us deeply in many ways but it's good you could see the acceptance and strength.

It’s an intriguing and relatable piece Kristina. A few nights ago I found myself in a similar state of mind. Your verse here shows how closely you are connected with your emotions and how you’ve conveyed them to your reader. I know everyone’s experiences are different and sometimes we struggle with our past, but now we know we are not alone.

Thanks for sharing. It’s wonderful to see how revered your poetry has been.

Sorry to hear it's relatable but I know we have all gone through our own challenges and hardships even if those could be very different experiences. I have always been told my emotions can really show through in different ways. I have opened up a bit more here as time has gone on. Maybe I will continue to do that more. Some of the more direct stuff is harder to share. That's very true, although maybe in a way it can be comforting to know someone might understand, it can also be disturbing as well because you don't want to think of people going through some things.

Revered seems like a really strong word. I certainly never thought I would hear you say that when you made that very first comment. Seems like forever ago but it's not even a year so I guess not really. I really appreciate you saying that a lot.

We all have sadness and madness silent or not , another great write gritty . xx

Definitely, sadness and madness; plenty of both to go around... Thank you for the comment and compliment, Vat. I am really happy you liked this one.