deepundergroundpoetry.com
I almost died... again
I keep having nightmares that I'm not going to wake up
That death is tired of missing their target
I've narrowly avoided their embrace ten times
It still hurts to breathe too deeply
I get so tired... So damn easily now
Trying to resign that I almost died...again
That a blood clot almost took me from life
I'd always assumed that my life would end by my own hand
And I have taken great solace in that fact
That when I decided it was over that it would be
I've been making all these changes trying to get better
To fight that urge with all my might...
Therapy, psychiatrist, doctors, exercise and better eating
And then this takes me down so, so many notches
People are so angry with me that I'm not responding correctly
How am I supposed to respond exactly?
I died as a baby; flatlined entirely
I have survived drowning twice
Even Anaphylaxis shock couldn't end me
Not a repeated blows of brick to the face
Or the three violent car crashes I've been in
No... not even my two suicide attempts
And now this... Blood clot in my lungs
It's so hard not to feel cursed in this life
I am often left feeling so conflicted at night
Drowning in guilt over my ungratefulness for life
I have watched people die... I have watched them fight
They were so much more deserving to live than me
With their desire to live, their kids and loved ones
I've watched so many people taken before their time
And then there's me... Hand always on the escape hatch
I only went to the ER to make someone shut up
I never would have thought something was wrong
I don't deserve all these chances at life
Not when I am plagued with thoughts of ending it all
I'm filled with so much guilt I am drowning in it
I'm not relieved at surviving... I feel so fucking guilty
That I have once again survived when they didn't
I'm a fucking cockroach and I hate it
I don't deserve anything that I have
And I would gladly give it all up just to have them back
I'd trade places with any of them in a heartbeat
And I'm reminded of that in every single painful breathe.
That death is tired of missing their target
I've narrowly avoided their embrace ten times
It still hurts to breathe too deeply
I get so tired... So damn easily now
Trying to resign that I almost died...again
That a blood clot almost took me from life
I'd always assumed that my life would end by my own hand
And I have taken great solace in that fact
That when I decided it was over that it would be
I've been making all these changes trying to get better
To fight that urge with all my might...
Therapy, psychiatrist, doctors, exercise and better eating
And then this takes me down so, so many notches
People are so angry with me that I'm not responding correctly
How am I supposed to respond exactly?
I died as a baby; flatlined entirely
I have survived drowning twice
Even Anaphylaxis shock couldn't end me
Not a repeated blows of brick to the face
Or the three violent car crashes I've been in
No... not even my two suicide attempts
And now this... Blood clot in my lungs
It's so hard not to feel cursed in this life
I am often left feeling so conflicted at night
Drowning in guilt over my ungratefulness for life
I have watched people die... I have watched them fight
They were so much more deserving to live than me
With their desire to live, their kids and loved ones
I've watched so many people taken before their time
And then there's me... Hand always on the escape hatch
I only went to the ER to make someone shut up
I never would have thought something was wrong
I don't deserve all these chances at life
Not when I am plagued with thoughts of ending it all
I'm filled with so much guilt I am drowning in it
I'm not relieved at surviving... I feel so fucking guilty
That I have once again survived when they didn't
I'm a fucking cockroach and I hate it
I don't deserve anything that I have
And I would gladly give it all up just to have them back
I'd trade places with any of them in a heartbeat
And I'm reminded of that in every single painful breathe.
Published 1st Feb 2021
Author's Note
I just don't know why I keep getting to live when good people die around me.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
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comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 23rd May 2024 11:45am
1st Feb 2021 12:14pm
<< post removed >>
I mean I am not sure why you pin yourself as unworthy of anything, I don’t know what your story is but what I do know is, you are here, and life is worth living. Whatever you’re going through in life whatever you’ve been through in life forget it just focus on something new if possible . I am certainly no one to hand out advice to you, just feeling your pain darling, I think we all have a horror story or two to tell, life can be hard very...
just reaching out ♥️🤗
Zazzles 😘
Btw nice to meet you BlueBeastGirl 🌹
just reaching out ♥️🤗
Zazzles 😘
Btw nice to meet you BlueBeastGirl 🌹
BBG,
I have read a lot of your stunning poetry and feel like I have a teenie grasp at just a smidgen of what you try to deal with (have dealt with) in your life's journey. Even with that small amount of information I have garnered and the pain still evident, you always come back (thankfully and lucky for us) here to write your gorgeously heart fucking wrenching poetry, that only you can. Only you. You find your way through, even when you're absolutely convinced you don't belong, aren't deserving, you come back to us. ... it's not luck or guilt or cosmic forces. It's you and your strength... sure there's people that involve themselves (like you described pushing you to do what's right) but even THAT, it's YOU who choose your friends ... it's still all you. If you think about it, you're ultimately the one who makes the decision to fight the fuck back and stay here in some form or fashion
Blatantly or by your choices along the way, intended or un... Your choices, to do the right thing and go to the hospital, recover from pain, injuries, abuse, hurt, etc...it's all you. even if you've needed help or feel like it wasn't at all... somewhere, it was. (imo) You ARE a blue beast girl. (I know you don't normally mean it the way I am portraying ...) Sometimes, that beast is what's needed to carry us through, until we can do so on our own...You ARE deserving, YOU ARE. You inspire me with every write you publish. I am always in awe. I know I'm not the only one, either. That alone says so so much about your character, heart and the goodness that we all see inside you. Take these comments as a sort of balm, to soothe that which is of need and then placed on a shelf for later use. It's all truth and my candid HONESTY.
As always, thank you for sharing your experiences, pain, joy and your thoughtful heart...
I am a better writer because of the lessons you show in your bravery. (that sounds selfish but it's all about your influence .. lol... haha)
;)
Warmest regards,
(sorry for droning
and the length! .. lol)
🌹
xo
B
I have read a lot of your stunning poetry and feel like I have a teenie grasp at just a smidgen of what you try to deal with (have dealt with) in your life's journey. Even with that small amount of information I have garnered and the pain still evident, you always come back (thankfully and lucky for us) here to write your gorgeously heart fucking wrenching poetry, that only you can. Only you. You find your way through, even when you're absolutely convinced you don't belong, aren't deserving, you come back to us. ... it's not luck or guilt or cosmic forces. It's you and your strength... sure there's people that involve themselves (like you described pushing you to do what's right) but even THAT, it's YOU who choose your friends ... it's still all you. If you think about it, you're ultimately the one who makes the decision to fight the fuck back and stay here in some form or fashion
Blatantly or by your choices along the way, intended or un... Your choices, to do the right thing and go to the hospital, recover from pain, injuries, abuse, hurt, etc...it's all you. even if you've needed help or feel like it wasn't at all... somewhere, it was. (imo) You ARE a blue beast girl. (I know you don't normally mean it the way I am portraying ...) Sometimes, that beast is what's needed to carry us through, until we can do so on our own...You ARE deserving, YOU ARE. You inspire me with every write you publish. I am always in awe. I know I'm not the only one, either. That alone says so so much about your character, heart and the goodness that we all see inside you. Take these comments as a sort of balm, to soothe that which is of need and then placed on a shelf for later use. It's all truth and my candid HONESTY.
As always, thank you for sharing your experiences, pain, joy and your thoughtful heart...
I am a better writer because of the lessons you show in your bravery. (that sounds selfish but it's all about your influence .. lol... haha)
;)
Warmest regards,
(sorry for droning
and the length! .. lol)
🌹
xo
B
1st Feb 2021 10:36pm
Ah fuck I'm sobbing. I need to collect my thoughts and give you a proper response but your words ARE a balm to me. You always lift me up on these gut wretching words I pour out here. I really, really am so grateful that you take the time and write your thoughts and the impact my words have on you.
2nd Feb 2021 3:12am
I'm so very glad
No need to reply, bbg
I hear you.
*hugs*
I look forward to your next poem
🌹
xo
-B
No need to reply, bbg
I hear you.
*hugs*
I look forward to your next poem
🌹
xo
-B
1st Feb 2021 10:16pm
13th Feb 2021 6:53pm
It's one of the mysteries of life, we don't know when our number is up, we may have close calls and painful brushes with death, but if it's not in the cards it's simply means to keep going.
Hope you are feeling better.
Hope you are feeling better.
14th Feb 2021 3:22am
I feel like I'm getting better but it's this huge uphill battle. They still aren't sure what exactly happened
