I almost died... again

I keep having nightmares that I'm not going to wake up
That death is tired of missing their target
I've narrowly avoided their embrace ten times
It still hurts to breathe too deeply
I get so tired... So damn easily now
Trying to resign that I almost died...again
That a blood clot almost took me from life
I'd always assumed that my life would end by my own hand
And I have taken great solace in that fact
That when I decided it was over that it would be
I've been making all these changes trying to get better
To fight that urge with all my might...
Therapy, psychiatrist, doctors, exercise and better eating
And then this takes me down so, so many notches
People are so angry with me that I'm not responding correctly
How am I supposed to respond exactly?
I died as a baby; flatlined entirely
I have survived drowning twice
Even Anaphylaxis shock couldn't end me
Not a repeated blows of brick to the face
Or the three violent car crashes I've been in
No... not even my two suicide attempts
And now this... Blood clot in my lungs
It's so hard not to feel cursed in this life
I am often left feeling so conflicted at night
Drowning in guilt over my ungratefulness for life
I have watched people die... I have watched them fight
They were so much more deserving to live than me
With their desire to live, their kids and loved ones
I've watched so many people taken before their time
And then there's me... Hand always on the escape hatch
I only went to the ER to make someone shut up
I never would have thought something was wrong
I don't deserve all these chances at life
Not when I am plagued with thoughts of ending it all
I'm filled with so much guilt I am drowning in it
I'm not relieved at surviving... I feel so fucking guilty
That I have once again survived when they didn't
I'm a fucking cockroach and I hate it
I don't deserve anything that I have
And I would gladly give it all up just to have them back
I'd trade places with any of them in a heartbeat
And I'm reminded of that in every single painful breathe.
Written by BlueBeastGirl (Beasty)
Author's Note
I just don't know why I keep getting to live when good people die around me.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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