When

I live in a world of grey
What else can I say?  
When I look into my own eyes
A part of me dies
I'm living a lie  
Because I am dying inside  
Waiting for another fix
Waiting for another hit
Waiting for someone to save me from this  
At my lowest when I am the highest  
Asking myself, "Why did I even try this?"
It staves off the emptiness
It helps the edginess
It helps fill the hole  
That's in my soul  
That's growing out if control  
Just like a staircase I'm spiraling  
And just like that I'm dialing  
A number of someone to get a fix  
Someone who would never help me quit  
I know I should stop  
I know its wrong
But I can't listen to the tune of any other song  
My mind is sick  
It's something I can't fix  
I'm scared to stop  
This habit, I cannot drop
Being ill is a crime in this world  
Getting better? There's no time in our world  
Being told to deal because others have it worse
Being told what not to feel, it's almost like it's rehearsed  
I can't be myself  
Because I died a long time ago  
I can't be helped  
Because everyone gave up me a long time ago  
I can't beat this
Shits hard.  
who I am to change up the universes  cards
I was dealt a bad hand  
And this is where I'll always land  
Waiting, shaking, anticipating
The next time I'll get high
So why even try?  
So I take a hit, I pop another
Saying in mind that I'm sorry to my mother
asking for forgiveness from my lover  
as the bad thoughts hover.
I think if life as I sit
I think of life so I take a hit
I've got rock bottom and I can't climb up
I can't stand being stuck  
But this is where I'll stay  
Because that's how it is today  
In their eyes there's no hope  
For someone who cant cope
For someone like me  
I'm a lost cause  
The scum of society  
So in my grave I'll lay
One with my hands I've made  
Staring with a blank face  
Staring as I wait  
For someone to save me  
Before they have to grieve me  
Waiting for the high to start
You know it hurts my heart  
I can finally breathe again and that's the worst part
Why I am like this is hard to comprehend
I know this needs to end
But the question I'll never know is when?