you left me cold

momma was 21 and you were 28
and you lived together for a couple of years
everything was good everything was great until
one day you went insane
and I had to go far away
and live with someone else
were I felt out of place
all theses fucking memories
when you were good you were great
but when you were bad I really hated
everything  you  made us see
you hurt us and made us believe that we were nothing
and on my  birthday you were always late
the last good memory I have of you I was 8
when we were camping in the mountains at the lake
you said you would come back but you were late
I saw you once after that before you were found dead
I always thought if you had regretted missing me
my last birthday you never came to see me
when I looked down in the coffin at you I had all theses
feelings I didn't cry that day and people thought I was some sort of fucked up demon what son doesn't shed a tear for his father I looked down at you and only became hotter you left me just when I needed you a crazy pre-teen with no hand to guide him I went ballistic
I was selling dope and robbing people before I was 14 I knew my way around a knife and pistol like a dope fiend professionally handling every scene obscenely with so much anger venting off me you could see the heat self-destructive human being spitting my venom on the streets with no care or feeling making you feel the pain I was left with
I had to find myself teach myself to be a man learn  etiquette  from random strangers I met im still left hollow from all this but I strive everyday to get over it a battle each day to wake up  night terrors grip me and keep me from rest most days I fight the urge to stick a knife in my neck fuck the stress but I continue to make it and do my best