deepundergroundpoetry.com
________
With raven hair like starless night
And eyes that shift from green to brown
She lights my fire with just a smile
And melts the snow from the cold ground
Her body has it's flaws, it's true
That's how I know she's real
And simple words fail to express
To her just how I feel
When we are one I'm miles away
From all the issues of the day
I'm hopelessly addicted to
The kind of love she puts me through
It's been a month since our souls met
And since we've been apart
I fear alot has changed with her
She's had a change of heart
Sometimes her heart seems miles away
Stuck on the love of yesterday
I'm at a loss for what to do
Considering what she's been through
Her mind's a mystery to me
Can't seem to figure out
Just how to show her how I feel
My mind is plagued with doubt
I think about her all the time
I'm even losing sleep
My heart and soul won't be at rest
Until she's mine to keep
When I'm with her, I'm miles away
From all the issues of the day
I'm hopelessly addicted to
The kind of love she puts me through
And eyes that shift from green to brown
She lights my fire with just a smile
And melts the snow from the cold ground
Her body has it's flaws, it's true
That's how I know she's real
And simple words fail to express
To her just how I feel
When we are one I'm miles away
From all the issues of the day
I'm hopelessly addicted to
The kind of love she puts me through
It's been a month since our souls met
And since we've been apart
I fear alot has changed with her
She's had a change of heart
Sometimes her heart seems miles away
Stuck on the love of yesterday
I'm at a loss for what to do
Considering what she's been through
Her mind's a mystery to me
Can't seem to figure out
Just how to show her how I feel
My mind is plagued with doubt
I think about her all the time
I'm even losing sleep
My heart and soul won't be at rest
Until she's mine to keep
When I'm with her, I'm miles away
From all the issues of the day
I'm hopelessly addicted to
The kind of love she puts me through
Published 18th Nov 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
18th Nov 2014 7:51am
Beautiful write! Just show this to her. I'm sure it will win her heart, and if not she is not the girl for you. I understand wanting to let someone know how you feel and losing sleep over it. And the only cure that I have found is telling them exactly how you feel.
18th Nov 2014 1:31pm
Anonymous
18th Nov 2014 9:47am
This has some real depth to it. Stanza 2 is my fav. I like how you care about her mind and what she's been through and seem to enjoy even her imperfections. My only critique is that some of the words used-
love, soul, heart...
are a bit cliche and maybe elementary in such a strong and real piece.
Either way, a wonderful write :) enjoyed
love, soul, heart...
are a bit cliche and maybe elementary in such a strong and real piece.
Either way, a wonderful write :) enjoyed
18th Nov 2014 1:33pm
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.:)
Also, your critique is duly noted,probably should have used a Thesaurus or something, as those words are entirely over-used these days
Also, your critique is duly noted,probably should have used a Thesaurus or something, as those words are entirely over-used these days
18th Nov 2014 10:26am
It starts very well, with striking observations, good rhythm, a degree of rhyme and the unusual, but touching comment about her body’s flaws. ‘That’s how I know she’s real’ is a simple, thought provoking and powerful line. But (isn’t there always a but, dammit) you lose that tautness and control. Cliches and pedestrian speech dilute its impact. ‘Considering what she’s been through’ really comes across as an almost meaningless commonality. Your rhymes fail. You can get away with brown and ground through assonance but day and through just doesn’t work and you used it twice. I suspect that the latter half of the poem was rushed. If I am right then please take your time, stop, read, listen to the rhythm of the words, consider the choice of each word, rewrite and rewrite again, polish and repolish. It deserves it. Do that, bring the rest of the poem up to the standard of the first two verses and you have a poem to be proud of.
18th Nov 2014 1:41pm
I think you completely missed the rhyme scheme, thinking I tried to rhyme "day" and "through", but other than that, after reviewing.it just now that I shouldn't have used so.many "buts" as it kind of ruins the poem. I admit, I am a little miffed by your critique, it suprised me.a little, but at the same time, I truly appreciate the honest, albeit somewhat harsh critique you have provided, as sometimes it is needed for improvement. :)
18th Nov 2014 4:09pm
Sir I think this is a very tender write from the heart with love and respect Crim
18th Nov 2014 4:16pm
Thanks, Crim. Gonna try repackaging the same ideas into a different format, as I'm not sure the Ballad was the best idea, but I'm pretty happy with it, for now, atleast. When I presented it to her she was happy with it, that's the important bit.
18th Nov 2014 8:23pm
The emotional innocence written here is complimentary to the rhythmic structure. I like it very much. Thanks for sharing, and glad to see you crafting.
18th Nov 2014 8:32pm
Emotional innocence? I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that was a compliment.lol
Anyways, thanks, Angel :)
Anyways, thanks, Angel :)
8th Dec 2014 10:58am
8th Dec 2014 5:56pm
