From the Ashes

Staring at the image in the mirror, reflecting on the face,
wondering what became of the girl who fell from grace,
now the memories come clearer,
in the patches of sunlight casting, shadows of darkness everlasting,
her words of courage left unspoken,
by regrets she was haunted,
still unbroken,she was taunted,
for her kindness towards her foes,
believing love could cure all woes,
a foolish child left alone,
when she had come so far from home,
pushed down into the depths of sorrow, letting go the hope of tomorrow,
slipping into a dreamlike state, surrendering to her inevitable fate,
allowing weekness  to control her actions,
selling flesh to feed the fires of madness,
out of darkness came creeping,
the shadows alive and fiending,
a deep hunger unquenchable,
she was consumed by monsters unmentionable,
until there was nothing left but anger and hate,
the hope of rescue came too late,
finding strength in passionate rage,
tasting a bitterness so sweet,
like an imprisoned bird freed from a cage, she spread her wings in the morning heat,
flew beyond the troubled sea,
crashing waves of misery,
past the wicked nightmares she had known,
through a forest of illusions and seeds of doubt she had sown,
the thorny branches reaching up to pull her down,
as the wind cut through her blood soaked gown,
the more she resisted falling back into that darkest hole,
the harder the rain fell drenching her soul,
washing the stains of sin and need,
the more she knew she could never go back,
she was on her way,combating every attack,
finally finding she owed no thing,nor deed to any man,
the realization steadied her still trembling hands,
and clearing her mind to see her worth,
she set the course,and with great caution made her first choice,
she heard the might of her own voice,
renewing her power with each word that she spoke,
like embers still burning beneath the ash and the smoke,
her fire not extinguished by vile misdeeds,
like wind blowing, stirring dead leaves, awakening the somber skape of winter,
revealing foliage still growing,
the past a gift worth knowing,
the battle scars still showing,
mistakes branded in memory,
a reminder of her enemies,
they should have killed her while she was young,
they should have locked her away from everyone,
they had their chance, but let her go,
thinking this frail and fragile child won't know,
she was meak,but strong inside,
the fire in her hasn't died,
she's fed it on heartbreaksand failures alike,
until she saw the time to strike,
now she knows what it is to be week,
but finds strength in the abyss and bleak,
her halo long gone,
all that remains are her wings,
she's embracing her freedom and pain,
the past now fading into her unconscious,
she's learning to live a live a life not promised,
dust still settling from the battles she's faught,
studying the lines on her face and the lessons they taught,
the mirror a window into a far away place,
each day a gift she cannot replace.

Started with passion.
But in years it seems have lost.
That boy running along Main Street was me.
If it’s one thing that’s wanted was to be that boy again.
Someone with fire that matches his actions.
Even after defeated I’d come back.
Close eyes to the night excited about tomorrow.
Only to do it all again.
Return to the person set to challenge my fear.

There was a falling angel
with nowhere to fall on.
Unlike falling stars swooping at
desperate wishers' extended hands
sadistically evaporating in thin air
turning impotent wishes into utter downers,
she kept floating in circles
avoiding landing areas
marked solely for disoriented flying carpets
mindful of self-proclaimed gifted bearing rugs...

And she kept floating
falling and floating forever
unswayed by artificially created screams
unfettered by her broken wings taxing weight
- falling is a necessary
but not sufficient condition for Fallen Angel status -
falling and floating forever
aware if she landed to the left
of everything that was right
she would be alright...

As I go deeper into this reclusive state
The more I meditate to stay sedated,
To get my mind elated and less frustrated.
Excessive thoughts got me feelin discombobulated,
I seem to gravitate towards introversion stayin alienated.
The mind can often drag you down, you've gotta evade the traps and stay elevated
Train yourself to not become aggravated.
Transform your perceptions and you can change your fate.
Release the guilt, the negativity and the hate,
Just drift out of your mind, meditate and let your soul elate.

I should take my own advice still I don't live by my rhymes
A message for me, something I should see but don't at times.
Time to open my eyes and see.

But I'm Acting anxious again which really begins to annoy me.
Can't stop these thoughts no more they're really beginning to irk me.
And all I do is puff smoke to invoke a certain woke state
And to forget that I'm broke, feelin like I'm about to choke on this weed smoke.

Sometimes I get so confused,
I Keep gettin the blues, feels like I stay trapped within this dream.
So lonely and lost, not sure how I should feel
Just confused should I cry or should I scream.

Stayin lost in deja vu, tryna change myself though it's hard to do
And I won't and I don't but I tried and I know that I failed but I can't
Just give up on myself.

Those nights when you feel all alone
When memories leave you lost and cold

Scattered and nervous; what life is this
To continue breathing this existence?

How could I let it go on for so many years?
Why did I wait so long to face my fears?

Switched on autopilot with no control
While fake plastered smiles took their toll

And I try to sleep but the memories cascade
Emotional whirlwinds sweep me away

So I do what I know must be done
I am a warrior and I will no longer run

The truth is clear and I see you
Bastard who used to scream and abuse

You hold no power over me anymore
This is me closing and locking the door

Goodnight you fucker, may you toss and turn
With a guilty conscience that makes you burn

May I rest well and sleep deeply tonight
For this battle is done, and I’ve won the fight

🙏

Some scars you get in middle school will never fade.
They will hurt at odd hours.
They will come calling in the middle of the night like your bachelor friends,
begging to be taken out.
They will visit upon you when your guard is down and lights are off and resting.
Memories like headstones,
Granite and epigraph for you to overlook except in peculiar lighting,
The flinch you
feel taking off your shirt for the doctor,
a small drum in the rhythm of your morning headache.
There--
The squeak under the great hum of adulthood, barely audible, but there, something hanging over it all,
Something foolish you tell yourself to forget about in the blurry mirror on those funny days
When you feel younger
And more dramatic than you normally are.

Growing up is nothing more than staying afloat on choppy waters
Between isles of percieved crises.
But sometimes, when the weather clears, there you are,
A mirage of yourself back in the day
Like looking at a photograph come to life
There you are,
Traumatized by self awareness,
Senses hightened to stay alive in the social jungle
The survival machine you became and then fell out of
Learning to run faster than the slowest among you
Learning to bite or be bitten digging scars on someone else to replace
The flesh dug out from yourself.
The wave comes and you are swept out to sea,
Forgetfully.

I’m supposed to tell you it gets better, and it does.
You will not fear the bark or bite of others
You’ll learn to substitute the arms of your mothers
And in the balance falls the beauty your poets’ hearts will have made,
But some scars you got in middle school will never fade.