The Last First Time

I hover above the warmth,
    knowing of its existence,
But never feeling the warmth.
Yet can you explain why i have these marks of a flame against my skin.



I let you lie to me.


You washed me of any emotion,
Again I regret letting someone in.
                  Again I feel let down by someone who never promised to hold me up.

I am a traitor to myself,
Thinking I could figure out my path,
Find my footing among this ladder I've climbed
                    

                                      so high


                                                                                 and



                  fallen
                                                                                                                                                                       so...

                                                                            
                                                                                             hard.


What is wrong with me.
Why do I do this to myself ?
I ask for no sympathy,
partly beacause I do not own the words to explain this nubness,



it haunts me as pain ought to.
My heart has climbed so high,
I realized as i'm falling that im afraid of heights.

Almost deathly afraid.


   And I want to know.
     How long this can go on.



He was my first of many things.
And I idolized him,
and its my. fault.

I drown myself with thoughts of you.
In the name of love.
I unintentionally self-destruct...