Prisoner

They fuck you up your Ma and Pa  
and mine did a killer job on me,  
with their frantic need to seem bourgeois  
stuffed me full of inhibitions, see?  
   
They imprisoned me inside my head  
with their injunctions on public act  
with nervous Ma " Oh, they'll cut me dead! "  
" If you "  to me "  don't behave, with tact..."  
   
My mother  " Come away don't speak with him    
or them or those or her don't skip be still  
be quiet, I'll smack, (she never did)  but looks can kill...
   
Be sure to say please and thank you  
but be quiet till spoken too, mind your P's & Q's    
don't fidget,  keep your hands away from..." as I grew  
I became withdrawn and knew I'd been    
imprisoned in my mind. I doubt I'm the only one  
my parents were imprisoned too.

You can take five steps    
if you know how to do it    
one-two-three-four    
pivot-on-five.    
     
Go back the other way    
pivot again    
the opposite way    
     
this time    
so the equilibrium    
there in your ears    
     
does not swirl  
and throw you into    
a world of vertigo.    
     
Keep going.    
Look out the tiny slit    
of frosted glass window    
     
so high up at six stories    
not even the shadow    
of a passing cloud is cast    
     
but once the beating shadow    
of a bird balancing omen    
on the outside ledge    
     
the shadows fluttering    
like the bird-god Tarkenesia    
playing a squeeze-box    
     
and you think    
how appropriate    
squeezed, squeezed within a box  
     
with no hot water    
but knowing ramen will soften    
in time    
     
even in cold water    
and on Thursdays    
the minimum-wage woman    
     
will come by with her cart
and brown paper sacks    
with commissary   
and visit a bit.    
     
She will be the one    
you will fantasize of    
someday being able to thank    
     
just for her kindness    
the how-you-doing-today    
MR D and this ain't forever you know.  
     
And how the clang of doors    
and the shuffle and squeak      
of Bob Barker clad feet    
     
moving by and the next-door cell   
sobbing during the night    
muffled so you know    
     
he wants no one to hear    
or see, the eyes peeking in    
to violate your privacy.    
     
And when    
it is finally late enough    
with nothing left but regret    
     
you pace again    
no clocks to tell you    
time to sleep, just darkness,    
     
just the body clock    
running down, springs relaxing    
from knots of anxiety    
     
and you think of Jesus    
and how he promised    
in the way of the prisoner,    
     
Yea, though you make up    
your bed in hell,    
even there I am with you, Big Dawg.    
     
Got your back.    
We can do this.  
  
Chinga su madre

I'm wintering from frigid air
my bloodless bones cold air can't bear,
north winds were whistling ' get inside '
I did, thanks, and got my hide fried
now I hibernate, like the bears.
 
I've three square, warmth, but not much care
a window through which I can stare,
these six months I shall so abide
I'm wintering...
 
An' I guess it was only fair
my boots worn thin my clothes threadbare,
soon, there's Christmas dinner, besides
who cares, as Hobo, I got tried...
and jailed, as I pace my small lair
I'm wintering?

 
I am trapped in his prison
And I’m almost passing out
Because I haven’t been sleeping  
I’ve been living on stimulants  
And I haven’t been eating  
Meals replaced with cigarettes  
Muscles cramping from straining  
To continue their daily tasks  
 
While I hide in the dark  
And face my own nightmares  
I choose to lose sleep and to starve
If it means I can work through this  
Fucked up scenario in my head  
That speaks in double standards
Confusion questioning my sanity
He manipulates with profanity
 
Preaching a verbal beating
His lecture meant to demean me
Fists of temper strike the walls
Screams left echoing down the hall
This is where I belong
I am left in his chains
They were there all along
Thought he had changed his ways
 
But the fucking truth is a cyclone
Cannot lean in its wake
I can see it so clearly
And I’ll have to be brave
If I’m to stray from his side
My fears doused in the day
When the lights are all bright
And he cannot dim or downplay
 
But I can’t even sneak away
Live in fear of his wake
Live in fear in his cage
He doesn’t even have a key
I stay very well trained
So scared to try to speak up
Scared he was right all along
Self-ashamed, I will look away
 
Please don’t look into my eyes
Please save me from his lies
Please tell me he is lying
Shake my cage, wake me up
From this nightmare I’m living
Free me from his chains
Free me from this craze
Can’t think straight now for days
 
 
 

Prison sentence, vicinity.
Pictured premise, exhibiting.
Given entrance, envisioning.
Hidden spectrum, captivity.

Simple hellion, duplicity.
Kismet destined, activity.
Signals tempted, considering.
Wicked hexes, invisibly.

Mingled methods, proclivity.
Symbol pendants, divinity.
Inner essence, asymmetry.
Sinner semblance, instinctively.

Wishes beckoned, affinity.
Riddled guesses, epitome
Bigger questions, delinquency.
Quickened tenses, stability.

Civil sentience, fictitiously.
Pitted trespass, divisively.
Hinted selfish, nobility.
Cyclic sexes, soliciting.

Pickled penchant, predictably.
Ridden reckless, rapidity.
Riches reckoned, persistently.
Bitter bettor, ability.

Bicker blended, indignantly.
Killer ethics, antipathy.
Fixture tested, utility.
Kinship exits, resistantly.

Wisdom nexus, epiphany.
Scripture stresses, facsimile.
Written blessings, continuing.
Witness vexes, humility.

Absent-minded citizens.
Cash-enlightened images.
Fashioned bias bigoted.
Mass divided, in effect.  
 
Passing by is ignorance.
Trapped inside oblivion.
Laughter likens sinfulness.
Actors eye the interest.  
 
Basking pride, inquisitive.
Crafted, guided, inner self.
Mask disguises this intent.
Hacks decided visages.  
 
Masters try their wickedness.
Knack devises wits, contempt.
Pact, implying hinderance.
Actions liven disrespect.  
 
Apt design of hypocrites.
Practiced violence, hidden steps.
Passions, lies, indifferent.
Plastic pilots, simple sense.  
 
After time, it limited.
Asking why can trigger them.
Waxing rights, revisited.
Active sides that interject.  
 
Madness, fighting, fits perplex.
Drastic, binding discontent.
Brash denying, pitiless.
Sacrifice forgiveness then.  
 
Capture cry for innocence.
Factor Christ, considerate.
Passive, kind significance.
Ration life, deliverance.

When OCD is in my head  
It fills me up  
With so much dread  
And thoughts of disastrous  
Events appearing real  
The "what if's" come  
It's fear that I feel
 
What's best for now  
Is some needed distraction  
To help me focus  
On something of value  
A slow deep breath  
Makes for a productive start  
 
The door was shut  
But now it's open  
To help me move in  
A different direction  
A glance up at the sky  
A bird flying high  
Can help me to get  
Alright in my mind