Said the poet at confession

Thick socks fall in loops over ankles  
displayed like the slipped towel of a naked back  
pushed further down by a bashful hand,  
innocent of the artists eye.  
 
Pale hairy soleus protrude to  
shuffle across cold cracked tiles  
all silent but a hiss of burning gas,  
the frightened kettle screeches a warning  
and I appear outside in heavy frost.  
 
Thick white mascara brushed onto cobwebs  
that cantilever wooden slats.  
This is where my spider goes  
cold toes, cold toes, cold toes!  
   
A bird has laid eggs in my hair  
so I should probably eat them,  
will they be breakfast fried  
or boiled for lunch, maybe  
scrambled for supper?  
 
This page is reaching out  
beyond the blank fields  
the only sound, an ink blot hare  
trapped in a snare,  
the kettle is still screeching.  
 
Good morning! 
you shout, to bring my spider out  
making my toes turn to watch  
your hands move over tea and toast.  
 
I sit next to you  
staring at two empty places.  
"You’re quiet today" you say,
I wait and walk around the white fields  
"I thought we might have eggs for supper"  
I say it softly and see the hare run free.  
   
   
 

My words will eventually devour me: Father
I hold the tool within my mind
it poisions and cannot be confined
my prayer they fall through heavens floor
the devil waits and sweeps them towards
the caldrons roar
the tempest churn within my all
self harm its eating like zombie worms
the empty ear, departed care
pages with a bloody tear
and bleed without pubicity
love so close, hate to choke
my own ode, a last discorse
 

I wondered back then
A long time ago
At fourteen in middle school
A year before the quinceanera I never had
Where I’d be later in life

Everyone my age left middle school
and their teens early
My girlz grew up way too fast

String bikinis
Hickeys on tummies
Laughing in detention
Fights in the restroom
at school or the movie theater

Wasn’t my thing though, never was

I wasn’t scared of fighting
but my mother was a different story
And my friends knew it
They didn’t have to answer to her
I did
 
But makeup was okay
So I’d help reapply
black eyeliner afterwards
The red pencil one
We’d melt the tip with a lighter
cause it was cool as fuck

God I missed them in high school

We were all baby foxes
back then just living
until it was time
to go home

To our dens

And once there
I’d daydream
If I’d survive my neighborhood
It’s dark side
How it perseveres
Like a beast’s underbelly
Always wanting to be fed with a rumble

So many raids
I remember Lenny telling me once
"When they come they’re
going to earn their paycheck"
And they did
It took three to drag him
handcuffed into the cop car

He howled with fearless
adrenaline the whole time
Like a handcuffed wolf
He came from a family of them
The runt that grew into the alpha

It’s odd watching neighbors
you used to play hide and seek
with grow into dangerous people

And I know now
Years later
Why it never appealed to me
That loop
That chaos
The inside of it

I realized I was too smart for it
I’d learned my surroundings well
Much more the observer
on the outside of it

Always learning what not to do
I outsmarted the echoes
Refusing to be a sad story
In shades of red
Like a fox

Her name was June
We were young
I had yet to discover
My self
I was experimenting around
With Penises in my mouth
When suddenly it hit me
I swing both ways
And mostly towards cock

But she rang me on the telephone and said
“Jermaine, you’re gonna be a daddy”
I said I didn’t want that kind of responsibility
That kids are too expensive
And they smell bad
Because they constantly shitting
And can’t clean up after themselves

After a few weeks, I wore her down
She agreed to have an abortion if I would pay for half
But I was young and had recently been fired
For jacking off into a fried shrimp platter
At a fancy ass restaurant

I didn’t have more than 20 bucks to my name
We agreed to meet and figure shit out

The local McDonalds was a nice central location
Words were exchanged
Tears were dabbed off each other’s faces
Until finally she said “fuck this”
Got up to go to the bathroom
And took care of it herself
She brought an extra pair of pants and everything
I couldn’t believe it

I bought us lunch
I figured if I didn’t have to save up for the operation
It was the least I could do
She said she wasn’t hungry, which I guess was understandable
But I love me some nuggets and so I ate hers too
I made a joke about how I was eating for two and she slapped me and stormed
off leaving a blood stain on the chair

As I sat there finishing my chicken nuggets with a side of Barbecue sauce I stared out the window
Thinking on what it must be like to be a father
I never saw June again
And not a day goes by that I don’t regret
Eating her nuggets