Heartbreak, depression, anger and all that good stuff

It's been a couple years since it started to happen
And my life still feels like it's crashing.
Can anyone tell me how to handle a life that's smashing
I just need some advice, like a rookie playing madden

It feels like I'm trapped in a cage
My only release, laying all this on the page
Everyday the cage closes in
What the hell do I have to do to be myself again

I keep all this bottled up inside
My smiles slowly fading on the outside
Already dead inside, my soul leaving me piece by piece
All I need is some ease, Just a little bit of peace.

These days everyone "understands" what you're going through
Yet everyday they ask what happened to the old you
I'm a disappointment, a failure, just another slob without a job
I lost it all, and I can't seem to break my fall.

At her dads got back her favorite Place
hair still soaking wet from the beach

Doesn’t look at ease like normally
Silent till she said she has a question
That Had me thinking universe over
She said I'm might be drunk

But my minds all made up
that’s when I asked her
Why would you want to end your life
Told me If it doesn't happen tonight,
it'll happen another time,

Can you make it look like a murder
So I won't be judged
by the people that I love
And when god comes a knocking
I'll tell him what happened
Say it was a favor  
You helped
You’re my savior  
when your final day comes
I can return the favor

I just wanna end this,
silent fight
My god, you know he won't
let me pass gates,
if I end my fate
Other than tanning,
hell isn’t a good fit for me
she joked to make me feel better
And Convinced me
I shouldn’t have let her

We hold hands walking Upstairs
I prep the bathroom
Testing water for the perfect temp
Thoughts rush through my head
the tubs full as the door pulls

She’s wearing the Same two piece
from this morning
I started crying With early mourning
I love her so much
So afraid of life without her
My words stutter to convince her

She shut me up with a last kiss
Then Took my hands to her neck  
Now she’s in the bathtub
Head under the water
I read her lips past the bubbles
her last words were I love you

Can you make it look like a murder
So I won't be judged
by the people that I love
And when god comes a knocking
I'll tell him what happened
Say it was a favor
You helped
You’re her savior
when your final day comes
I can return the favor

Didnt want time to move because now
I’m here dressed in black
sharing memories With her family
Looking at her face
that peaks from the box
As the pastor speaks

Her Memory Colors the sky
Her laugh echoes from
somewhere up high
I see Her everywhere
I see her above the casket  
She’s Thanking me
And finally happy
i feel selfish To pray
for her to come back down
From her cloud for a last kiss

I can shrink to the size of a fruit fly.  
Almost invisible,  
and with a tiny voice to match.  
No one hears a word I say.  
No one gives a frick what happens to you when you’re this small.  
They’ll just as soon smash you as to look at you.  
They won’t think twice.  

Or I can become my shadow.  
Just a hazy silhouette.  
Again, almost invisible, but solid.  
Like tinted glass.  
People bump into me a lot when I’m my shadow self.  
“Oh," they say.  "I didn’t see you standing there."  
 
I can become completely hollow so that wind whistles through me.  
It’s like music, but eerie,  
like the moan of a ghost.  
People don’t like the sound of it.  
I'm light as ocean froth when I’m hollow.  
I have to hold onto something lest I blow away  
like a dust bunny in a wind storm.  
 
I can be completely invisible but it's worthless
because it only works when nobody's looking.  
I know I’m invisible because I know how it feels,  
but then somebody looks in my direction and there I am,  
plain as day.  
Hiding, as they say, in plain sight.  
So complete invisibility, at least in my case, is not that big a deal.

D.R.E.A.M

Drifting detached daydreams decaying. Dividing dearest delusions departing darker dreary dimensions deducing destinies drastic detachment defining downward destructive damnation. Deaths delightfully drones demonically dancing dizzily dreamlike disillusion. Days decompose delivering devils delighted dues, desperation descends down distorted delusions definitively declaring defeat.

Reality rushes rapidly releasing reverences reserves. Roughly ripping righteous remedies remaining remanence, ruining reassurances restitution. Remaining raw rancid rhetoric reverberates raging wraiths relentless wrath. Redefine wrongs rights restlessly.

Esoteric euphemisms embody enlightenments eulogy. Enraged energies enforce earths entropy. Erasing every elated entities evolving essence. Evil eradicates emerging emotions, enveloping everyday easement.

Alleged allegations anoint absurd anecdotes about altruism, assuring absolute annihilation. Afflicted anthropoids angerly amass amongst agitated angst. Aiming armies arsenals at an all-encompassing atlas. Alas aimless apes age and awaken aloof amongst arduous atrocities.

Meaningless moments meander mindlessly making memories morph maddeningly. Music’s murderous melodic metronome making modern men mental. Modesties masquerade manipulates most men’s manners making melancholy monsters. Modern madness multiplies making manipulative masters.      

The scars on my wrists tell a tall tale
I was born to lose, set to fail
The razor slices across the tattered vein
I see my reflection in the bloodstain
I find the pleasure hidden in the pain
You may think what I do is inhumane
There is a method to all of this madness
Hidden in the self-hate and sadness
These are the confessions of a cutter
What you read may make you shudder
The scarlet spills onto the floor
I just can't take it anymore
Cutting towards my palm
No longer can I keep calm
Lying in this blood that won't clot
It's more of a mess than I thought
This time will be my last
It all happened so fast
There is so much blood, what a mess
It's much more than I can assess
As my eyes close, I see a bright light
I'm not making it through the night

10/24/18

(c) Sean Paul Gillum

jrw
the three letters i once loved to write
you told me you loved me
youd never leave me
especially for someone else
and then you fucking did
you left for her
the same girl who has caused me heartbreak for years
and because i love you so much
i decided against happiness so i wouldnt hurt you
funny
you shattered my heart
and i kept it shattered to protect you from the pain i feel
you have hurt me so much
i cant touch my sketchbook without wanting to scream
you inspired my art
you asked to see my art
to read my poetry
you asked for drawings
and then you left
stole a piece of my heart
and 3 months of my life
and my inspiration to draw
i want to hate you
but i cant
because unlike you
i didnt tell lies
ill always love you jrw
just remember that...