livin'

 
yes  
I sat on my front step  
in the sun
and drank myself to bravery  
while watching plane  
after plane  
after plane  
take off overhead  
knowing three of them  
could’ve got me home in time  
to watch him die  
after the last call came
 
“it’s time
 
come”
 
 
I missed the 10:15am flight
I missed the 11:30am flight
I missed the 1:00pm flight
 
did my drinking quiet
belted ‘em home
like nails
in the lid
of a you-know-what
and my mate sat beside me
sober as a judge  
(not judging)  
while I drowned  
 
(aint no life-ring made  
to throw to a man
who won’t grab it)
 
knew then
before all of it
what would come  
after the burying  
when I’d have to come back here again  
and own  
for all the rest of my coward’s days  
this sitting  
in the sun  
smashing bourbon  
 
the. weakest.  
mother. fucker.  
in. hell.  
 
 
 
dyin’ is easy
 
 
but the livin’  
is killin' me