To My Grandmother

Throughout the past couple of months, I’ve been watching my grandmother’s health fluctuate vastly. I enter her room and don’t know whether to expect a natural or forced smile. I’ve seen tears roll down her face as she tries to remain strong, knowing her time is limited. The pain has become simply unbearable. I find myself weak in these moments. Something so important to me but far outside of my ability to help.
 
So what do you do?
 
Do you sit back and watch as the woman who has shown you nothing but love since birth die? Do you acknowledge the reality and make the most of it? Do you simply try and make every interaction full of joy?
 
Honestly, I don’t know. I wish I did. So, I listen to music that reminds me of her. The jazz tunes that ring throughout Jackson Square. Louis Armstrong. Sometimes, Chris Stapleton. I listen to the music that makes her happy trying to grasp it for myself. And yet, I can’t. She’s spending her last months, weeks, days, maybe hours here. I don’t know.
 
What do you do when someone filled with such selflessness, such respect, such love is bound to disappear? Honestly, right now, it’s to stop thinking about myself. All of my reactions have been self-centered, most of which have brought significant harm. It’s distanced myself from her. Not anymore. I will embrace the time we have, viewing each one as a blessing. I will become closer to the things that make us closer. And most importantly, I will live with her in mind, now and always. As I visit her today, let it be a turning point. One in which I fully embrace our time. One in which she is the priority. One in which she knows how I feel. Her impact on myself and others. Her character. Her values. Her strength. Her love.
 
These make her the best grandmother I could have ever asked for. I hope to be half the person she is. Because despite the flaws we all have, life is far more beautiful when we recognize the beauty in each other.
 
And, truth be told, my grandmother is gorgeous.