deepundergroundpoetry.com
Baby Ducks
[.............]
That is the part where my childhood goes,
until about twelve anyway.
Some parts were good, and some were bad.
Some were spent shell-shocked
with blood pooled in my ear.
Or a knot on my head, still banging
inside my skull,
like pots and pans thrown together
into the cupboard.
But I learned to flinch, and dodge,
even run, if an avenue of escape
was available.
So being a teenager wasn't too bad
most days.
I had a favorite hiding place,
in the wide open;
~
Lucinda met me at the lake
where we waited to turn eighteen.
It wasn't soon, months away,
but this was as good a place
as any.
So twice a week, or so,
we'd meet up and share a grievance.
She was letting her neighbor, Roger,
fuck her every few days.
He'd give her some money, and
sometimes she'd take his cigarettes.
I smoked one of them, while
she told me that he was getting
rougher about it.
But, I wasn't one to judge,
not really. Who was I, with
my own poor choices
of fight or flight
or just stand
and take it.
~
The last time I saw you alive
was the day I bashed your head
into the wall.
The same last time, you hit me
in the head with the iron skillet.
Maybe it was all the concussions
that made my head turn to metal.
Something like guilty
by absorption.
Didn't hurt anymore, and so
I swirled up and around,
formed a choke around your neck
and chipped the drywall
with your head.
Yeah, there was concrete 'neath,
but I didn't feel like
taking it that far.
I owed you so many more, but
three was enough
to drop you
just like all your pills would,
more peacefully.
~
Lucinda and I stared
at the mama duck leading her babies
like a wobbly locomotive,
with its eight yellow boxcars,
at the edge of the water.
There were nine the other day.
But that ol' snapping turtle
probably plucked one under.
Just like that, and it's gone,
under the surface.
No one has to see it
get gruesome.
~
I didn't deserve your anger.
I tried to be a pretty good kid.
Quiet, tucked away, my room dark.
One side of my headphones still worked
and I'd let the music make me someone
happier than this.
The ringing in my right ear
has never gone away, so I'd
just wear the headphones backwards
and let the songs pour into my left.
You'd bitch about my devil music,
as I stared at you and knew
that God had forsaken you
a long time ago,
because you sold your soul.
And when you'd come to, face down
in your medicated splendor,
your eyelashes scuffing against the carpet;
You thought it was a lush heaven,
yet you were facing hell.
And God watched,
another of his ducklings
go under.
~
We skipped a few days;
Lucinda brought her friend Tory
to the lake.
"How many?"
"Six"
Two more baby ducks gone.
Tory had the wrong shoes
and whined about the mud.
But Lucinda knelt by me
and let her sigh mix with mine.
"What's wrong with the last one?"
"It's missing a leg, probably the turtle..."
"Motherfucker. We gotta kill it."
I had a good aim. One rock and the duckling
didn't suffer anymore. No more waiting
for the inevitable.
"I meant the goddamn turtle!".
~
As the decades passed,
I'd tell everyone that my mother was dead.
I knew you were alive, somewhere north,
in a contained environment where
you couldn't hurt yourself
or anyone
anymore.
Though I heard you tried a few times.
So they'd restrain you for a couple of days.
Try a stronger medicine.
Switch your gears to stalled.
When you finally, actually, did die,
I was a thousand miles and years away.
I wanted to acknowledge it, somehow, so
I fried a steak in an iron skillet.
I fucked it up, it was tough as hell.
But I ate it, grizzle and all.
~
I didn't like Tory, she was like a snapping turtle.
She'd call Lucinda "Lucy",
as if it would make her whiter.
Because Tory's family didn't tolerate
brown and black friends.
And I knew Lucinda never saw where Tory lived.
But I could predict it.
That gated community, that kept out
the undesirables
like us.
I would always call her Lucinda, though,
because it sounded so exotic.
So not here.
It was somewhere I wanted to go to.
One of those somewheres that aren't here.
~
My sister told me that
she thinks that place killed you
and she was going to look into it.
But I asked why bother,
your death was overdue.
She's far too kind-hearted, yet
stronger.
She found forgiveness for you
and ran with it.
I wanted to admire her for that.
But I couldn't.
~
The last time I saw Lucinda,
she came to the lake to tell me
that she was moving to New Jersey.
Some aunt, with two cousins
that Lucinda has never met.
But, fuck it, why not.
We smoked a cigarette;
The last one from the last pack
she'd ever steal from Roger.
And she told me about the abortion
that he insisted she get.
She had refused, but he threatened
to mess her up pretty bad.
All the ducklings were dead.
The mama duck mostly did circles,
waiting for another mate
to come try again.
I saw the snapping turtle,
I called it Roger too.
I vowed to kill it, soon.
~
I heard that you were cremated,
ironic in that you went to where you belonged.
No funeral, no memorial.
Like a bad horror movie being over
and we just turn the TV off.
Not waiting for any credits
to be shown.
And then we try to sleep,
but too pissed off
over that wasted time, but
now we can move on.
~
I borrowed my uncle's rifle.
He called it his plinker,
for getting rid of the squirrels
in his bird feeders.
I shot that fucking turtle,
after baiting it with pork fat,
to get it to come to the surface.
One shot, and I felt stupid,
waiting so long to do it.
Instead of watching the baby ducks disappear
over this brutal summer.
Then I went to Roger's house;
Never met the guy before.
But I was too unfeeling
to be nervous.
He opened the door, and
I grabbed his throat
and bashed him into the
dining room wall
a fuck-load of times.
"Lucinda says goodbye".
~
I know that there is no
heaven and hell.
There's just this place.
I share it with baby ducks
and snapping turtles.
I prefer the ducklings.
These new ones,
they waddle like
yellow freight cars
following a locomotive
on old, crappy tracks.
Maybe even as far
as New Jersey.
At least now,
they have a chance.
~~~
Published 1st Jul 2024
| Edited 18th Sep 2024
Author's Note
This is a brutal write I know. But those baby ducks wouldn't get outta my head until I wrote this.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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This is actually painful for me to read.
It also shows a whole other dimension to your writing that
you don't dive into too often.
I appreciate the time and the effort it took for you to sit down
with your past and creativity to write this. The symbolism of the baby ducks
tied to tragedy. Like they were being hunted in their own home, sharing it
with a predator.
Just like you as a kid, on edge, hiding from the inevitable.
I also loved how you showed compassion in this write for someone who
didn't have strength. How it still evolved for people who are smaller - trying to get by
anyway they can in life.
I'm always in awe of how you overcame a lot of obstacles in your life
and still turn into one of the most loving person I've ever met.
I'm so very proud of who you are regardless of where you came from.
You inspire sweetie - everyday:)
This is a tough read, but it ended with chances!
Cause you just never know:)
It also shows a whole other dimension to your writing that
you don't dive into too often.
I appreciate the time and the effort it took for you to sit down
with your past and creativity to write this. The symbolism of the baby ducks
tied to tragedy. Like they were being hunted in their own home, sharing it
with a predator.
Just like you as a kid, on edge, hiding from the inevitable.
I also loved how you showed compassion in this write for someone who
didn't have strength. How it still evolved for people who are smaller - trying to get by
anyway they can in life.
I'm always in awe of how you overcame a lot of obstacles in your life
and still turn into one of the most loving person I've ever met.
I'm so very proud of who you are regardless of where you came from.
You inspire sweetie - everyday:)
This is a tough read, but it ended with chances!
Cause you just never know:)
4th Jul 2024 3:18am
I was lucky in that I had enough good people in my life to balance it all out. No, actually, the good ones won. We play the cards we are dealt, right?
Life is so good now. I am very fortunate. But, you know that huh! And you are such a huge part of why. I am blessed.
Life is so good now. I am very fortunate. But, you know that huh! And you are such a huge part of why. I am blessed.
1st Jul 2024 1:55pm
Brutal... and yet I've read it several times. The way you weave together some of the most awful aspects of humanity and the cruel realities of nature is so compelling. Damn. And your compassion for the weaker things shines through it all. Speaking for the sheep, in the only language the wolves will understand... or something like that. I dunno. It's violent and beautiful all at once.
Thank you for sharing.
❤️k
Thank you for sharing.
❤️k
4th Jul 2024 3:23am
Heya K.
You nailed it. I learned, literally, that turning the other cheek is a load of crap. There's an old saying that violence begats violence. True. But eventually it also stops it for good.
I'm older now. Mellowed. Content. At peace. It's a good place to write from.
Thanks, btw. You see it.
You nailed it. I learned, literally, that turning the other cheek is a load of crap. There's an old saying that violence begats violence. True. But eventually it also stops it for good.
I'm older now. Mellowed. Content. At peace. It's a good place to write from.
Thanks, btw. You see it.
1st Jul 2024 3:17pm
I’ve read this several times as well.
Some of us have pasts we run away from, bury, ignore, whatever. Then dig up, examine and work to make sense of, come to terms with and hopefully accept when our brains, our hearts, our lives deem it appropriate or we are ready.
I have so much respect for your compassion, your strength, your determination, your vulnerability, your candor, your journey and your willingness to share.
Thank you for posting this, Styxian.
Have a beautiful day.
Some of us have pasts we run away from, bury, ignore, whatever. Then dig up, examine and work to make sense of, come to terms with and hopefully accept when our brains, our hearts, our lives deem it appropriate or we are ready.
I have so much respect for your compassion, your strength, your determination, your vulnerability, your candor, your journey and your willingness to share.
Thank you for posting this, Styxian.
Have a beautiful day.
4th Jul 2024 3:28am
Well hell, I'm not too sure that I deserve that comment. But I'm keeping it, Mary.
It's good to reach a level of maturity where we can evaluate our choices made, good and bad. I suppose it's wisdom. Yet, we are the lucky ones who get as far, to be able to look back. Many don't. We are the total of our history. Our future is what we choose to do with it all.
I appreciate you.
It's good to reach a level of maturity where we can evaluate our choices made, good and bad. I suppose it's wisdom. Yet, we are the lucky ones who get as far, to be able to look back. Many don't. We are the total of our history. Our future is what we choose to do with it all.
I appreciate you.
1st Jul 2024 4:13pm
Some of the baby ducks survive the pond. Some do.
You did.
It’s hard to comment on those sort of real grief. My guts always fall out. I write something meaningful and delete it. Over and overs
So bro?
This was fucking beautiful. One of the best you’ve ever written.
You did.
It’s hard to comment on those sort of real grief. My guts always fall out. I write something meaningful and delete it. Over and overs
So bro?
This was fucking beautiful. One of the best you’ve ever written.
4th Jul 2024 3:42am
I thought this write was a great idea, when I wrote it as a short story a couple of weeks ago. But it was too thick and too drawn out. I deleted the entire thing. Then I began to rewrite it a few days later, and it sucked. That too got deleted. But I didn't want to give up on it.
The cuteness of the title, just to bring the harshness, was key to me. I wanted it to be a gut punch. Even a bit cold. It isn't a reflection of who I am. It's where I come from.
One of the best? I hated writing, and reading it back, after I wrote it. Seriously. It bothered me a lot. Yet, days have passed and I see the value of it. A cleansing of sorts. Like laying down old weapons, finally. I no longer need them.
Thanks you. Any maternal match was purely coincidental!
The cuteness of the title, just to bring the harshness, was key to me. I wanted it to be a gut punch. Even a bit cold. It isn't a reflection of who I am. It's where I come from.
One of the best? I hated writing, and reading it back, after I wrote it. Seriously. It bothered me a lot. Yet, days have passed and I see the value of it. A cleansing of sorts. Like laying down old weapons, finally. I no longer need them.
Thanks you. Any maternal match was purely coincidental!
1st Jul 2024 10:11pm
4th Jul 2024 3:44am
1st Jul 2024 11:58pm
Just wow. Amazing write. I could see this playing out as a movie as I read it
4th Jul 2024 3:47am
Thank you Madame! I write like it's a movie, almost always. I see it and then write it. Don't we all?
I do write a few short stories, so I suppose many of my pieces resemble that. But hey, sometimes I'm a poet! Lol.
Thank you, very much.
I do write a few short stories, so I suppose many of my pieces resemble that. But hey, sometimes I'm a poet! Lol.
Thank you, very much.
2nd Jul 2024 00:03am
There are words whirling around in my chaotic mind, but the elude my grasp. This is just...I mean...yeah...
4th Jul 2024 3:49am
You said plenty my dear. Quite eloquently! Just being acknowledged, and a nod, is reward.
So I kindly thank you bunches.
So I kindly thank you bunches.
4th Jul 2024 4:35am
Dear S,
I can’t deep dive any further than the meaningful comments above. What I heard was the narration as I watched this movie play out. Rather like To Kill A Mockingbird. Brilliant. You moved the story within the story along at just the right tempo. The characters were so vibrant back stories were right there as the here and now took place. Outstanding write. Bravo. H🌷
I can’t deep dive any further than the meaningful comments above. What I heard was the narration as I watched this movie play out. Rather like To Kill A Mockingbird. Brilliant. You moved the story within the story along at just the right tempo. The characters were so vibrant back stories were right there as the here and now took place. Outstanding write. Bravo. H🌷
5th Jul 2024 00:43am
I was reluctant to post this one. Even write it, actually. I'm not a passive type, but I avoid aggression of any kind. As much as possible anyway. It makes things go bad.
But, this was due, to be written. It was on my mind awhile, and using the duck "countdown" gave it a pace and an ending perhaps. All hope was lost. So things get desperate.
Thank you so much, Honoria. It ultimately IS creative writing. The author has to step aside a bit, when they understand that it has to have some merit to the readers too. Why else post, if it's just whiny?
You always encourage me with your comments. As do many others. I do notice. It keeps me trying to write good material. So thank you.
But, this was due, to be written. It was on my mind awhile, and using the duck "countdown" gave it a pace and an ending perhaps. All hope was lost. So things get desperate.
Thank you so much, Honoria. It ultimately IS creative writing. The author has to step aside a bit, when they understand that it has to have some merit to the readers too. Why else post, if it's just whiny?
You always encourage me with your comments. As do many others. I do notice. It keeps me trying to write good material. So thank you.
7th Jul 2024 8:19pm
This has such a raw authenticity in it... excellent flow... vivid... yet dreamlike in a stream of consciousness kind of way... engaging from beginning to end...
7th Jul 2024 8:43pm
Hiya. Maybe the fact that this scenario played out in my head over several days helped build it more thoroughly. It was a short story that was too overdone. So I redid it more direct. Practically emotionless even.
It was a very heavy write, and I was relieved to get it out of my head. Thank you for letting me know that it was worth the task.
It was a very heavy write, and I was relieved to get it out of my head. Thank you for letting me know that it was worth the task.
8th Aug 2024 4:50am
The symbolism with the ducks. Great wordplay, and imagery. Most of all your storytelling is impeccable. Very heavy write. Into the list it belongs. Appreciate you.
DL
DL
13th Aug 2024 2:56am
Thank you Damian.
It was quite a rough write, for sure. But it's effective for what I was trying to convey.
I appreciate your encouraging words.
It was quite a rough write, for sure. But it's effective for what I was trying to convey.
I appreciate your encouraging words.
