Jellybean

TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage

The doctor told me
you were just a cluster of cells
like that fact would make
the pain of losing you less

It's been almost a year now
since I woke up to pain
and blood
and a loss I didn't know
could devastate me so completely

I didn't know you yet
but I wanted to
I wanted to see
what miracle had been
created inside me
and lying on that hospital bed
I learned I never would

They told me
you'd been gone
about a week
and it had taken that long
for my body to catch up
and let you go

It's been almost a year now
and I still think about you
my miracle jellybean
that never made it into the light

And I wish in these moments
I believed in an afterlife
because you might have been
just a cluster of cells
but you were still human to me
and I like to think
that your innocent soul
is out there somewhere
waiting to come home