deepundergroundpoetry.com
Cremains
I count the tiles
on the bathroom
floor
as I try to stop
the flashbacks
14 white tiles
my ass fell
asleep an hour ago
start again
Try to stop the
flashbacks
and stay here.
In this moment.
Without you.
17 white tiles.
Start again.
Our last love letters
stay on repeat
long enough that
the ends of my
hair are soaked with
dried sentiments
and a pile of
TP-kleenex
keeps me company
on the blue toilet rug
24 white tiles.
Start again
and I'm trying to stay here.
in this fucking moment
1 white tile.
start again
To not fuck you,
or
drink you
or
busy you
out of my mind,
but to
honor
those final pieces of us.
0 white tiles.
Start again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
To stay here in this
goddamn cunt of a moment.
Feel the pain through
my bones
until my bones
are nothing
but ashes
scattered
like a sacrifice to
an uncaring god.
1 white tile
1 white tile
start again
start again
My hands slide through
my hair and dig into my scalp
and tears trip on my knee
to find a path down the front
of my leg.
baby
I'm going to try
to stay in this moment
because if
pain is beauty
then we
were
fucking
gorgeous
3 white tiles.
Start again.
I think the pain
is the only
piece of our beauty
that we get to keep.
So I'm going
stay quietly,
in this moment
of beautiful agony
until the urge to
breathe in a life
without you
returns
start again
until the
crippled fortnights
pass and
I can walk,
start again
until the springtime
golden hour
fades back
to
black summer.
start again
baby
until my heart
0 white tiles.
start again
on the bathroom
floor
as I try to stop
the flashbacks
14 white tiles
my ass fell
asleep an hour ago
start again
Try to stop the
flashbacks
and stay here.
In this moment.
Without you.
17 white tiles.
Start again.
Our last love letters
stay on repeat
long enough that
the ends of my
hair are soaked with
dried sentiments
and a pile of
TP-kleenex
keeps me company
on the blue toilet rug
24 white tiles.
Start again
and I'm trying to stay here.
in this fucking moment
1 white tile.
start again
To not fuck you,
or
drink you
or
busy you
out of my mind,
but to
honor
those final pieces of us.
0 white tiles.
Start again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
To stay here in this
goddamn cunt of a moment.
Feel the pain through
my bones
until my bones
are nothing
but ashes
scattered
like a sacrifice to
an uncaring god.
1 white tile
1 white tile
start again
start again
My hands slide through
my hair and dig into my scalp
and tears trip on my knee
to find a path down the front
of my leg.
baby
I'm going to try
to stay in this moment
because if
pain is beauty
then we
were
fucking
gorgeous
3 white tiles.
Start again.
I think the pain
is the only
piece of our beauty
that we get to keep.
So I'm going
stay quietly,
in this moment
of beautiful agony
until the urge to
breathe in a life
without you
returns
start again
until the
crippled fortnights
pass and
I can walk,
start again
until the springtime
golden hour
fades back
to
black summer.
start again
baby
until my heart
0 white tiles.
start again
Written by
Betty
Published 3rd May 2024
Author's Note
Trying to capture how fucking hard it is to sit with your pain. To stay in the moment. To beat back the wandering mind.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 18
reading list entries 6
comments 30
reads 308
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re. Cremains
3rd May 2024 3:57am
Great write i was there with you on that floor trying to help you count the tiles. Those fucking white tiles!
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Re. Cremains
3rd May 2024 4:26am
would give you an RL but have none
fucking loved this from start to finish
if truth be told it felt voyeuristic
but couldn't avert my eyes
fucking loved this from start to finish
if truth be told it felt voyeuristic
but couldn't avert my eyes
0
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Re. Cremains
3rd May 2024 8:18am
This is so raw. I know the feeling, though I'm better at running at it than sitting with it.
0
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Re: Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 1:03pm
Re: Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 9:35pm
Re. Cremains
3rd May 2024 12:41pm
I can't remember the last time I read a poem so absolutely ragged & agonizingly perfect. I have no words...
1
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Re. Cremains
I did wonder if you were writing about a loved one who had died and been cremated from the title. Don't know if I understood accurately.
0
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Re: Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 1:08pm
It’s open to interpretation.
Something of importance to the narrator was burned and scattered to the winds.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I love it when people pick up on the word plays.
Something of importance to the narrator was burned and scattered to the winds.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I love it when people pick up on the word plays.
Re. Cremains
3rd May 2024 6:12pm
There’s a real power gained when you learn to embrace the suck. It’s tough but throwing yourself into the fire allow it to forge you into something much harder. Own it! The only easy day is yesterday. Really great poem, composition is tight.
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Re: Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 1:10pm
Embrace the suck…. My running mates and I have that as our mantra for marathons and shit. Get in the pain cave and embrace the suck.
Yeah.
(Sigh)
You fucking nailed it. The only easy day was yesterday. And yesterday was a cunt.
Thank you my friend. I appreciate you.
Yeah.
(Sigh)
You fucking nailed it. The only easy day was yesterday. And yesterday was a cunt.
Thank you my friend. I appreciate you.
Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 8:35am
Wow...
"Start again!"
It's so difficult to distract a mind when it's being so stubborn on that track...
Maybe you could count something else...
Like how the other people passing by reminds you of...
I mean like clouds! Or sheep?
Haha.
You seem truly a master at your craft.
♡
"Start again!"
It's so difficult to distract a mind when it's being so stubborn on that track...
Maybe you could count something else...
Like how the other people passing by reminds you of...
I mean like clouds! Or sheep?
Haha.
You seem truly a master at your craft.
♡
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Re: Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 1:12pm
Re. Cremains
4th May 2024 9:37pm
I like the title Betty that's all I got I was cremated it freed me from my tomb then I rose ash to rule. great write here. beep your own horn.
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Re. Cremains
All my best relationships were with women I couldn't have for more than the shelf life of ..... you fill in the blanks !
They were either married, getting divorced, living with someone or looking for husband's and I wasn't ready.
Translation: we get along best when you're not available.
Then I got married to my polar opposite and that is the best relationship I'm currently having for decades. But there's trouble in sex paradise but I'm not going to go there.
How does this relate to your write?
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
I want to know why he left.
I want to know something more about him other than your heartbreak.
Yeah, tough love Betty because I like you.
I always said depression is my only friend.
It never leaves me.
I'm a pain in the ass for asking but you kinda like that..
BIG
They were either married, getting divorced, living with someone or looking for husband's and I wasn't ready.
Translation: we get along best when you're not available.
Then I got married to my polar opposite and that is the best relationship I'm currently having for decades. But there's trouble in sex paradise but I'm not going to go there.
How does this relate to your write?
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
I want to know why he left.
I want to know something more about him other than your heartbreak.
Yeah, tough love Betty because I like you.
I always said depression is my only friend.
It never leaves me.
I'm a pain in the ass for asking but you kinda like that..
BIG
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Re: Re. Cremains
5th May 2024 1:54pm
Re. Cremains
Anonymous
5th May 2024 1:21pm
The simplest thing is diverted within seconds as the mind struggles to perform the simplest act. You really captured the craziness of a breakup in this. And that's a really good hook to repetition that demonstrates the way the mind goes off track when dealing with such pain. Some people need something to calm them down when it gets this bad.
Excellent poem.
Excellent poem.
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
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Re: Re. Cremains
5th May 2024 1:56pm
Thank you Dragon. I appreciate the review.
Yeah. The mind is a fucking twat. It just... does it's own little dancing spiral to hell and it's really hard to be present in those grief tornados.
Thank you,
Yeah. The mind is a fucking twat. It just... does it's own little dancing spiral to hell and it's really hard to be present in those grief tornados.
Thank you,
Re. Cremains
6th May 2024 2:40am
Re. Cremains
6th May 2024 3:33am
Stupid RL counter says I'm maxed. It shouldn't even be a thing. Why a max?!
Anyway Miss Brilliance, wow.
For some reason I kept thinking of mahjong tiles. How we try to match them up, the "perfect" two. With so many distracting pieces in the way.
Yet obviously your descriptive ability does keep us slumped in that bathroom too. The distraction of the count keeping us from dwelling too deeply on the absence of...
The huge hole in your guts. How even air feels like such incredible pain in that hollow.
This is an exceptional write, Betty. It literally floors us reading it.
Wow, how you set us down with you, feeling the pressure of over-thinking.
You are mind boggling good at writing. Your ability is so rare. I hope you know that.
Anyway Miss Brilliance, wow.
For some reason I kept thinking of mahjong tiles. How we try to match them up, the "perfect" two. With so many distracting pieces in the way.
Yet obviously your descriptive ability does keep us slumped in that bathroom too. The distraction of the count keeping us from dwelling too deeply on the absence of...
The huge hole in your guts. How even air feels like such incredible pain in that hollow.
This is an exceptional write, Betty. It literally floors us reading it.
Wow, how you set us down with you, feeling the pressure of over-thinking.
You are mind boggling good at writing. Your ability is so rare. I hope you know that.
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Re: Re. Cremains
6th May 2024 12:25pm
Aw man, you’re gonna make me all vain and shit with this sort of high praise.
Thanks my brother from another mother.
Fuckin lurve you.
Thanks my brother from another mother.
Fuckin lurve you.
Re. Cremains
6th May 2024 8:54pm
You captured a true moment of agony. The stanzas between the counting tiles made counting the tiles so frustrating.
I love this:
"To stay here in this
goddamn cunt of a moment.
Feel the pain through
my bones
until my bones
are nothing
but ashes"
LJ
I love this:
"To stay here in this
goddamn cunt of a moment.
Feel the pain through
my bones
until my bones
are nothing
but ashes"
LJ
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Re: Re. Cremains
6th May 2024 9:56pm
Thank you LJD, I appreciate it.
Fuck, it's comforting and a bag of ass to know that feeling is universal. Thank you for counting tiles with me. It's so shitty.
Fuck, it's comforting and a bag of ass to know that feeling is universal. Thank you for counting tiles with me. It's so shitty.
Re. Cremains
8th May 2024 5:00am
Dear B,
Geez B! Your authors note is as poetic as the poem. This write made me think how many times the situation was either exactly as you write this or so similar we might have been sharing the same brain. The pain, the sadness, the frustration and the GD tiles! Why does love/passion/love/obsession reduce us to this? Staying in the moment as an exercise has me realizing I’m really good at it. For about a nano second. The formatting of this is fab. The breaks and stanzas give such a great meter. Brilliant write. H🌷
Geez B! Your authors note is as poetic as the poem. This write made me think how many times the situation was either exactly as you write this or so similar we might have been sharing the same brain. The pain, the sadness, the frustration and the GD tiles! Why does love/passion/love/obsession reduce us to this? Staying in the moment as an exercise has me realizing I’m really good at it. For about a nano second. The formatting of this is fab. The breaks and stanzas give such a great meter. Brilliant write. H🌷
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Re: Re. Cremains
8th May 2024 3:14pm
Thank you hon! I don’t know why, but it does.
Girl, I love and appreciate you. Thanks for the read!
Girl, I love and appreciate you. Thanks for the read!
Re. Cremains
8th May 2024 2:26pm
I like how this conveys the nature and feeling of an obsessive mind. I’d say that it’s too long, but in a way the over-length supports the theme of unhealthy compulsive thoughts. The title’s clever too.
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Re: Re. Cremains
8th May 2024 3:15pm