Cremains

I count the tiles
on the bathroom
floor
as I try to stop
the flashbacks

14 white tiles
my ass fell
asleep an hour ago
start again

Try to stop the
flashbacks
and stay here.
In this moment.
Without you.

17 white tiles.
Start again.

Our last love letters
stay on repeat
long enough that
the ends of my
hair are soaked with
dried sentiments
and a pile of
TP-kleenex
keeps me company
on the blue toilet rug

24 white tiles.
Start again

and I'm trying to stay here.
in this fucking moment

1 white tile.
start again

To not fuck you,
 or
drink you
or
busy you
out of my mind,
but to

honor
 
those final pieces of us.
 
0 white tiles.
Start again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

To stay here in this
goddamn cunt of a moment.
Feel the pain through
my bones
until my bones
are nothing
but ashes

scattered

like a sacrifice to
an uncaring god.

1 white tile
1 white tile
start again
start again


My hands slide through
my hair and dig into my scalp
and tears trip on my knee  
to find a path down the front
of my leg.

baby
I'm going to try
to stay in this moment
because if
pain is beauty

then we
were
fucking
gorgeous

3 white tiles.
Start again.

I think the pain
is the only
piece of our beauty

that we get to keep.

So I'm going
stay quietly,
in this moment
of beautiful agony

until the urge to
breathe in a life
without you
returns

start again

until the
crippled fortnights
pass and
I can walk,

start again
 
until the springtime
golden hour
fades back
to
black summer.

start again

baby

until my heart

0 white tiles.
start again