deepundergroundpoetry.com

recovery runs through our morgue


KT tape and sheer ugly will  
hold me together  
after five hard miles,  
and Iím low on both  
as my thigh quivers to  
keep my knee under me  

I stop to water †
a tree with †
forehead sweat and †
angst-filled †
swear words  

reveling in †
my weakness.  

A dead personís  
sinew is screwed †
into my new knee, †
and, fuck if some days  
I can't feel the †
cadaverís ghost  
asking for it back  

My lips stick to my teeth  
as my leg shakes. †
I didnít bring water for  
such a short run.  

Such a short run.  

But surgeries,  
infections,  
broken stiches  
and broken soles  

(broken souls)  

haunt more than my  
lumbering steps. †

This was sanity.  
To run.  
To run until the earth was flat  
and the mountains towered †
below my immortal being  

To run five miles to get out of bed,  
and 20 miles to get out of my head  

It was sex, and drugs,  
and red wine slushies †
and lucidity in the silent dawn †
as godlike, †
I flew through nameless †
dreams of my own mind †

In one moment it was gone.  
One snap.  
One wrong move.  
And I lost it all.  

I rub the throbbing  
scar where the doctors  
Frankensteined me to life  
and I know one thing with surety:  

Iím not who I was last year. †

My body isnít as perfect.  
Iím not a machine.  
My endurance is gone.  
Five miles hurts me in new ways.  

I breathe heavy,  
and smile.  
 
I am not who I was last year.  
 
Iím so much more.  

I lost the part of my being that  
I needed to stay alive.  
The part of me that kept me stable †
and made the †
fucking horror of life †
something †to curl against †
as I dopamined  
a path to freedom.  

I didnít lose a knee,  
I lost me.  

I have it back and every †
goddamn second is the best  
second, ever  

I find myself in tears at the end of †
most runs now  
but not in pain,  
pain pisses me off,  
but in gratitude.  

Because I didnít know how shitty †
life could be without freedom †

And so it goes with you,  
my love.  

So it goes with us. †

You were my sanity.  
You were sex, and drugs,  
and red wine slushies †
and redemption  

In one moment you were gone.  

(gone)

One snap.  
One wrong move.  
And I lost it all.  

Goddamn I hated the injury,  
(goddamn, I hated you)

You left me sitting in a pile of shit †
with an open wound, †
infected in soul †
gnashing out septic promises †
to anyone who'd hear †

but fuck my stupid cunt of a heart †
when you said †
you were sorryÖ.  

(deep breath) †

(Me too.)  

As my feet  
shuffle forward, †
shaking, †
and fearful †
(of you)  
(of us)  
because the wound †
is so fresh †
and recovery †
was so  
fucking †
hard, †

every †
goddamn second †
with you  
is the best  
second, ever.  

Because I didnít know †
how shitty life could be †
without you.  

I find the  
pain and renewal †
of a short run  
on a mended knee,  
in the base of my †
corroded soul  

as I fall back in love †
with the way  
your hair curls †
at the nape  
of your neck, †
even though I know †
how high the rate of †
reinjury †
really is. †

Yet my heart races †
at the way your lips †
feel against my palm †

because we are not †
who we were †
last year  

We. †
(We.)  

are so  
much †
more.  
Written by Betty
Published
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