Paused on a floor of lava

I really dont know when I became so miserable
A part of me feels like it was when she died
Or maybe it was the times I've almost died
Was it when I realized my family doesn't love me?
It's all gotten so heavy on my body
An tightness in and around my chest
I feel caged in a life where I am paused
Trapped in knowing that I can't move on
Not until I heal my heart, my soul, my body
Everything is fractured all around me
And my mind is a floating puzzle pieces galaxy
Sometimes all I radiate is a deep sadness
I know Im working through the troubles of my mind
Untangling and holding memories in new light
There's so much pain in my spirit that surfaces
Secrets from the deepest parts of my mind
I've started to leave their names out of my day
I'm actively letting the painful memories go
Sometimes it's really okay to just not speak
The memories are alive but I dont have
To give them my limited breath
I've been in this turbulence so long
Fighting, always fighting in every part of my life
Sadness and anger and self loathing
Were these roots that grew down into my core
I have no reason to hate myself
I dont have to hold my sharpness so close
I'm so comfortable in the darkness
That I really wouldn't know what to do in the light
And I can only keep moving forward in steps
The floor is lava and I am barefoot
And even if it hurts I will keep healing and moving
I cant live my life paused