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Little Sin Eater with Worms in her Skull

I can never seem to stop the tears
Gravity always wins in the end
My mind just keeps playing memories
Of standing on the sidelines wanting
The echo of unanswered "I love you's"
The fracturing of what love even means
The heavy loneliness of a little girl
Echoing into this cold room of a present
My skull full of rot and worms dancing
All these memories crawling around my brain
It seems right now I will always be plagued
I don't think I miss them... I miss the people
I naively thought that they were for all those years
Thinking that we were just fractured apart by trauma
That maybe by sheer force of will I could bring us together
That we could be the kids running in the rain
Futilely trying to catch raindrops with coffee cans
Crushing rose petals between our fingers
To make rain rosewater to put in our hair
But gaps like this cannot be filled by singular intent
My mind nor my hands nor my love
Couldn't make these people my family
And once again I am alone in my mind
The memory worms featuring the sins of siblings
A new angle of torture they've yet to look at
Burrowing through memories of their actions
All the pain I have hidden within my soul
The fountain of endless forgiveness has dried up
And demons guide the worms to show it all
Every single thing I ignored in the name of unreturned love
I broke myself thinking that maybe they loved me
Maybe they could love me back someday
I had always been so focused on the actions of adults
That I never took a in account what they did to me
Or rather... All the things they didn't do
Once communities used to have their youth
Draw lots that would choose a replacement
For what was called a sin eater...
They would eat the funeral bread and drink the funeral wine
Thus eating the sins of the whole community
So that one by one they could go to heaven
Spotless of the sins they had committed in life
Lots were drawn in my family in a spiritual way
Anything they did was my fault... Always mine
If they ever did anything wrong my name
Was effortlessly quick to fly to their mouth
A child at school bullied them?
It was my duty to protect them
If someone was rough with me
My sister once made eye contact and walked right by
I was trained to eat their sins and be their protector
To sacrifice everything for people who didn't care
I truly never asked for anything all these years
Except the one thing they just didn't have for me
And it was only my body failing and
Just being so close to my actual end
That lit up how little they cared like fireworks
It highlighted how often my hand was bitten by those I fed
How my soul was stretched so thin loving them
Sometimes unconditional love just has its limits
And I found my limit and walked right past it
Telling myself that I would rather die loving them
Than live in a world knowing they dont love me
But at what point was I supposed to turn that love towards me?
At what point was I going to have enough love for myself?
I speed ran life trying to save them from themselves
But recently... I learned you cannot change people's nature
You cannot protect those who refuse safety
And sometimes to just survive you have to let go
I've never lived my life for myself.
It was always, always their needs before mine
But you don't always get a second chance at life
And when you're told by a doctor that you might not survive
And the only people who do show up
are those without your blood in their veins?
A lover, their family, friends and your dog?
What else can one take from that experience?
My death meant so little to them...
And my mind can show me all the hurtful things
That they've done or said in my past
But in the end it does not matter either
Blood doesn't deserve unconditional love or unconditional forgiveness
Sometimes you just have to live your life for yourself
BlueBeastGirl
Written by BlueBeastGirl (Brown eyed girl)
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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