I'm not your family

My family has always been a mess
And I was its sin eater... its fixer
Always attempting to fix what I didn't break
I look back at the child that was sacrificed
For what? So the rest could feel like they're better?
None of you have ever apologized to me
The trauma that my siblings and cousins piled onto me
It was enough that the adults in our lives dished it out
But fuck if y'all weren't bringing pain pie to the potluck
And when everything happened in 2021
The way I idealized our relationships
Crumbled when I could no longer meet that 99% effort that was required to keep you
Your 1%, lazy efforts in me didn't comfort me in the hospital
It didn't lift me up when I wanted to die instead of fight
And I was on my knees begging you to just talk to me
I had stopped asking for the effort so long ago
And I was foolish to think almost losing me would mean something, change anything
Fuck I needed a family last year when I was falling apart
The cold truth of it is that y'all never loved me
Oh, you loved my services, what I could do for you
The pipeline from my therapist through me to your phone
The back breaking efforts to encourage you
To beg you to break the horrifying cycle we were born into
The never ending encouragement to not date abusive partners
To go find something, somewhere, anything better
I was always criticized for wanting better
What could I have been if I had been allowed to be soft...
If y'all hadn't put the title of protector... Sin eater... Fixer on my shoulders
All those beatings I took for YOU
All the fucking bombs I threw myself onto for YOU
All my life I sacrificed everything for you
I could have left so many times...
But the hope that someday I could earn your love
Kept me chained in a place that poisoned me
It was like my life was wallpapered with whispered traces of "family love"
It is mind shattering to realize out of my huge family no one cares about me
But no more chains for me... never again
I left all our chats and have ignored and muted you all
I don't want this family anymore...
The pathways have been severed
It's not like I have ever been a real member... right?
Don't invite me to the funerals because you're already dead to me