Depressed as Fuck

It's a quarter past midnight
Am scrolling through endless videos  
But can't seem to connect to anything  
I'm overwhelmed by emotion  
And sad as fuck.
 
Sad Songs on repeat,  
Anything to help me work through it.
 
Though I know someone out there waits for me tomorrow  
I feel an infinite loneliness  
And I know this grave is self dug  
 
Many people try to reach out
Always told them I'm fine  
Put a smile on my face  
I've learnt how to pretend
But deep inside I feel quite the opposite  
 
I've tried to many times to put my emotions to words  
But ended up with too much red,  
Equated myself to the world but nothing seems to balance out...
 
I put some effort behind everything  
But nothing ever works,
I've disappeared from the world  
Pulled away from my friends  
Most of the time I feel better alone than with anyone that care..
 
I have so many plans  
So many Poems in need of being uploaded
One too many relationships in need of mending  
But most of the time I'm tired as fuck.
 
It's hard to go to sleep
It's even harder to wake up
So much expectations  
I don't want to disappoint.
The demands of the day,
The vicious cycle of uncertainty  
All weigh in heavy
 
I'm hanging on by a thread  
Nothing else matter,  
If it wasn't for this dream and plan
I would have been long dead  
 
Just because I'm breathing
Doesn't mean I'm alive  
There's nothing but cold and emptiness inside  
I fail to see the future, everyday it gets darks
So hard to move on when nothing is as more addictive than the past  
 
Too many people look up to me
So it's hard to give up
But if anyone knew how heavy this cross is that I've been carrying
They'd let me go and hope that I get through it.