Some say....

Some say that he has no idea of meter
and that he only thinks in haikus
that his hearts ticks like a typewriter
and he writes only using alphabetti spaghetti
and can write a seven volume anthology in one hour,
Some say that he has no passport
and is the true emperor of America
that he actually is the writer behind all vampire fanfiction
and his house is made entirely of signed first editions
and his tongue is inscribed with every limerick,
Some say he knows every past particle through marriage
and his favourite novel is Hemmingway's shortest piece
that he is inspired by beer labels
and has to translate everything seven times while editing
and his prose is to sensual to even see the title,
Some say he only reads poetry backwards
and is fluent in Latin and Sumerian
only uses quotations by Jamaican philosophers
and must write Sonnets in complete darkness
and he has a pet dictionary named Robert that he feeds Tequila,
Some say he has never heard of free form poetry
and lives on a diet of blunt pencils
that he has a hammer for writer's block
that he can name eighty rhymes for 'orange'
and has only one antonym for 'word',
Some say he has a license for any vehicle including a space hopper
and he only visits coffee shops for the numbers
that he collects bus station names to arrange in acrostics
and paints villanelles on building sides for fun,
Some say his real name is pronounced '!?'
and he only follows people who use exactly forty syllables
that he learns to type by word of mouth
and has used every expletive in a terzanelle
and that he has already composed his own elegy seven times over,
Some say he cannot see pictures that do not feature cats
and his favourite word is 'mantelpiece'
that he smells books for motivation
that he has no sense of timing
and his magus opus is simply titled 'bleh',
Some say he cannot spell 'and'
and that he bathes in papyrus scrolls
has an extensive collection of biscuit erotica
discusses and debates only in line with the politics of the Purple Mousse
and wrote the screenplay for every film noir using only crayons and leaves,
All we know is,
his name is Dug.