Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Dec 2018 8:00pm
Truly enjoyed the imagery of this. In honoring your request for honest critique, I would suggest the following ( keeping in mind that original Eastern haiku goes by phonetic sound count ( on ) vs Western syllables ):
radiant aura
surround [ a ] marooned moon
clearing clouds
I altered the tense of surround to enhance the consonance of n. You may find that curious, as ing contains an n; however, read it both ways for yourself and you'll experience what I'm referring to. I substituted a for the to enhance the assonance of a, although I honestly think it works without either. I do suggest removing the in L3; this would allow the alliteration of C to shine.
Also, traditional haiku are typically untitled and rarely contain capitalization and/or punctuation.
Lastly, the mark of a really good Haiku is that it can be flipped:
clearing clouds
surround [ a ] marooned moon
radiant aura
Very well done.
radiant aura
surround [ a ] marooned moon
clearing clouds
I altered the tense of surround to enhance the consonance of n. You may find that curious, as ing contains an n; however, read it both ways for yourself and you'll experience what I'm referring to. I substituted a for the to enhance the assonance of a, although I honestly think it works without either. I do suggest removing the in L3; this would allow the alliteration of C to shine.
Also, traditional haiku are typically untitled and rarely contain capitalization and/or punctuation.
Lastly, the mark of a really good Haiku is that it can be flipped:
clearing clouds
surround [ a ] marooned moon
radiant aura
Very well done.
