F..... This life diseased  rant

I have planned my suicide several times in the last 2 years but never really had the balls i guess... Right now i think i might  its seaming more and more appealing , when i get in this state of mind / in enough pain . dying or even using would be a relief ... Not really caring how it would hurt anyone it just seams as if you and the kids would be better off you can run around all you want and im sure some family member would finish raising jordan and bella.
They would probibly be a little fucked up over it but hell i think there plenty fd allready after this last two years...
May as well give them a good reason to use dope.
I dont really want to see you again its just to painfull to watch the one you love continue down this road through hell, and since i cant seam to stand up to your disease  enough for you to respect our home and our family i may as well just die because i cannot live this way. And i cant ask anyone for help because they will just fuck me over and tell csd if i told anyone the truth...
Hahaha ha... Truth

I used to think i knew what it was but i lie to myself daily & my wife lied to me for so long i have no idea anymore what that is.

Truth:
I want to use/die.
I want to hang so it hurts just enough
I have nothing left .