deepundergroundpoetry.com
He told me last time
There's a man who sits in the pissy doorways around these parts
his fingers hold the neck of a dominating guitar ransom
for whatever the price of freedom is
those fingers that dance between the colours of continents
they deserve a word to breathe when their crooked curves bring the air to climax
the way the frog in his throat shits the world into his voice means music won't do
clink some coins into his bag of hopes
share some smokes when freedoms running low
and ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls
let him remember songs stolen by the ones who left
ask for the ones he found under the feet of those that came back
but the name of a man stooped from the weight of blankets dipped in shame
is a song best saved for days when the sun might rise
and tomorrow stops playing with this toy
Written by
DystopianMelody
Published 19th Oct 2013
| Edited 22nd Oct 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 14
reads 1021
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: He told me last time
19th Oct 2013 2:23am
Written for Hemi's men competition. It's about men in case you were wondering. Would appreciate some critique('s?)
Re: He told me last time
19th Oct 2013 2:51am
2nd stanza L3
edit double when
i dig it dys. the tale of a broken down ol man still at it....
nice bro...
edit double when
i dig it dys. the tale of a broken down ol man still at it....
nice bro...
0
re: Re: He told me last time
19th Oct 2013 3:08am
Thanks for pointing that out, and for the lurve mate. :) I'm practically guaranteed to have a few double words in every write.
Re: He told me last time
19th Oct 2013 2:53am
re: Re: He told me last time
19th Oct 2013 3:09am
Thank you very much crim, I'm gonna need it. It's hemi's comp so all the big hitters are likely to come out of the woodwork.
Thanks for leaving some encouraging words. ;)
Thanks for leaving some encouraging words. ;)
Re: He told me last time
20th Oct 2013 2:51am
This was a heady Write-I dig it much!!!
I like watching how quick You change style-yet keep Your voice...this was Hip DM!!!
Good Luck in the comp!!!
I like watching how quick You change style-yet keep Your voice...this was Hip DM!!!
Good Luck in the comp!!!
0
re: Re: He told me last time
12th Nov 2013 3:22am
Thanks soul, I'm not too sure that's intentional, just kinda happens I suppose lol I've always been a little jealous of writers who have a distinct style but I guess that could get kinda boring...
re: re: Re: He told me last time
12th Nov 2013 2:19pm
Uniqueness breeds diversity (i get in habits...and yes at times it may cause a snore...then i try for a quick left):)
Always excellence with You DM!!!
Always excellence with You DM!!!
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Re: He told me last time
I love this. an understanding unfolds and it has a perfect ending.
the lines "share some smokes when freedoms running low and ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls" feel jumbled and unclear on a first read.
maybe just giving the ratty blankets their own line-
share some smokes when freedoms running low
and ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls
or
share some smokes when freedoms running low
drape ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls
good luck in the competition!
the lines "share some smokes when freedoms running low and ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls" feel jumbled and unclear on a first read.
maybe just giving the ratty blankets their own line-
share some smokes when freedoms running low
and ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls
or
share some smokes when freedoms running low
drape ratty blankets when the air bites deeper
talk of steel traps and pitfalls
good luck in the competition!
0
re: Re: He told me last time
12th Nov 2013 3:20am
Thanks for the pointer, looks a little clearer now I hope.
The competitions gone, along with the host unfortunately :(
The competitions gone, along with the host unfortunately :(
Re: He told me last time
22nd Oct 2013 00:42am
DM good luck in the comp first of all.
Wow! This write was amazing my friend. I have been that silly old man in the doorway. {minus the guitar}
Cool as fuck ink, one of my favs.
KG
Wow! This write was amazing my friend. I have been that silly old man in the doorway. {minus the guitar}
Cool as fuck ink, one of my favs.
KG
0
re: Re: He told me last time
12th Nov 2013 3:25am
Thanks KG, it's appreciated even more when it's coming from someone who's actually been in those shoes. Lol I never said silly, far from it, just unfortunate. Glad you like it, thanks for the comment :)
Re: He told me last time
8th Nov 2013 8:20pm
Holy shit! This is freaking amazing my friend!
Crisp imagery, raw language, deep thought... Love it!!
Crisp imagery, raw language, deep thought... Love it!!
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re: Re: He told me last time
12th Nov 2013 3:25am
Thank you very much, I think that should be the election that every writer hopes for :)