Misery, suffering, despair, loneliness.

Weeping will not do you any good
You stupid son of a bitch
You have done everything against God
teaching, Faggot, you backdoor loving bastard
If you have not been born
If your mother had an abortion
To scrap you out of her womb
No, to erase you obilerate you
You would not be here
In this hospital with that tube in your face

Do you know, I looked for you every where
In the back lane of this sweltering city
Looking into descrepit houses
Into garbage dumps, praying that I
would see you there, find you
even in rags and bring you home
I prayed in churches in parks
In open spaces that I might find you
and bring you home
Even if you did not want us

You left, you little whore-man
without telling your mother
that you left with another man
a faggot he was and so are you
You never said anything to us at all
You just left, bringing us sorrow
and grief before the eventual
would that we grieve for your death
clean death, o dear God, clean
But this? This I cannot stand

How did you become this?
You were my son, so beloved of mine
I remember the first few toys I bought
Darth Vader, Godzilla, robotman
You loved them all then
although you spent your mother's
lipstick on them
The bicycle, remember it?
You painted it with pink hearts
Remember?

Remember the swing under the linden tree
where I pushed you and you sang
that song about the banana man?
Oh my son, my son what changed you?
Can I even get to understand
why you changed? Even your name?
From Billy to Bella, isn't that insane?
And here you lie, eyebrows plucked
like a thanksgiving turkey...
I cannot understand why..why?

Your face pale with oozing pustules
Your lips cracked, your eyes sunken
Your voice is gone, your hands skeletal
You breath rattles you stink of death
Oh my son my son, I will wait with you
if only I could fight the reaper with my fists
for you my son...
But no, I can't , so I bid you good rest
drink this concoction now, it will make you sleep
Nightshade will bring eternal night to you
Good night My son.

internal hoarfrost  
blackened  
my sweaty fingertips  
 
as I read  
the goodbye letter  
you left  
in invisible ink
 
the frostbite  
matches  
the rest of me  
 
I loved you  
with this  
nitrogen-steeped  
heart  
enough  
to brave the cold  
 
but your last hit  
sprayed brittle pieces of it  
on the ground  
with shards  
of our broken  
dreams  
 
I cut my foot on them,  
as if they were glass
from a shattered snowglobe  
 
bloody footprints
limping slowly away  
are all I have left
to show you  
 
that I believed  
 
 
 
 

Such a trip,
A disservice.
To congregate words.
With no bliss.
No happiness.
No chick flicks.
Just dampen the canopy,
With mugginess.

The pools are born,
The mosquitoes swarm,
The creatures huddle,
To relieve the itch.
Another head hung low,
Looking down below,
Into the abyss.

Another classic sight,
From deadly heights.
Another illusionary trick.
To hypnotize,
The unrealized,
Being shoved off a cliff.

May the lagoon,
Deter the baboon.
Hide you from it's grip.
A head held high,
Might reach the sky,
You have to jump,
To ascend.

Today you almost died.

The car wrapped around you
Like silver, jagged arms
Wanting what was mine
Since you were an infant.

That's all they told me.
You were lifted from the scene
By the indifferent, whirring hands of a chopper.
I searched frantically for you,
Calling hospital after hospital,
But to no avail.

And in those few hours
I assumed the worst.
But business was happening
Frantically around me.
There was no time
To sit quietly in a grove of quiet trees
Listening to the birds and the lonesome wind

To watch butterflies flitting
And feel and know
Fully your absence

The fact I have known since the day of your birth
That I do not want to live
Without you here.

Only in the way
Of cars and phone calls and credit cards
Was I pulled from death.

Instead, I finally found you
In a white hospital bed,
Bruised and battered and stitched
Doll, the most darkly beautiful sight
I have ever seen, swollen everywhere.

Hours later, I gently wash your matted hair.
The water in the bucket turns burgundy.
And as you sleep, I walk the silver,
Silent corridors for snacks for you

But collapse in a chair
My face falling into the dark of my hands
Eyes and arms shivering

The scent of roses and your blood
Still cloying on my fingers.

Here's this beautiful bouquet of roses  
My love for you my heart discloses  
Full of vibrant color imagination  
The center of any conversation  
Red and burgundy color explosion  
Symbolic of my love passion and devotion  
The white roses some with pink tips  
The taste of loyalty and unity on your lips  
With purple roses also mixed in  
Our love at first sight begins  
And these unique roses of the rarest blue  
You gave me this true love I never knew  
This work of art is my expression  
For my love of you without question  
But over time the bouquet begins to fade away  
Colors bleeding out leaving shades of gray  
I forgot to nourish and provide life  
I never proposed for you to be my wife  
I didn't commit effort or put in time  
To ensure you would always be mine  
Now lifeless with the petals wilting  
I still ignored instead of rebuilding  
So the petals have all fallen to the ground  
The emptiness I have with you no longer around  
My devoid emotions helped push you away  
Into your heart you found a new bouquet  
The regret I feel as my soul decomposes  
All I have left is this bouquet of sick roses